#1
Hey everyone, I'm gonna start posting some of my lyrics here in this thread, hopefully I can get some positive input on some.

This one is a fairly old piece, wrote it a while back. No title.

on the third day I froze
limbs blue, senses numb
how could i have fell so astray
oh how ive been so dumb

all around me the dissenting jeers
squeel and howl and conceive fears
within my sould of harboured tears
a wondrous machine not using its gears

many nights have passed
since i penned a tale so true
now it is time at last
to reveal the real fool is you

or could it be me
the one to lay the blame
for choosing the safer path
am i the reason for this shame

i've felt....

cold, yet colder still
i've felt...
so alive in the past
how is it that it took
a poison to bring me back
to warmer dawns?



Critique welcome, I want all opinions and help from some of the better songwriters on this board.
#2
Please read the Rules.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
^He hasn't broken any rules...
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#4
Quote by break-me-in
^He hasn't broken any rules...

break-me-in, if you believe that to be true, I suggest you read the rules yourself, before continuing to post in this forum. You can save yourself from trouble down the road. But regardless of that, please don't give bad advice to others about the rules.


Thread Titles.
Two things and two things only should be in your thread title; the name of your piece, and a genre, where applicable. No other symbols or attention seeking devices are permitted - This includes capitalisation too. Your thread will just be closed if you do. Do not beg for a critique or say ‘C4C’ (Crit for Crit) either, or it will be closed. Smileys also are not permitted. HTML does not work in titles either, don’t try it, it will be closed. If you can't think of a title, 'Untitled' will suffice.
In addition to this you can put "unfinished" alongside your title, for any work that is incomplete, I stress just "unfinished". The only other permitted extras in your title is O.T.S. (On the spot).


Admittedly, I was in violation of the rules myself by not properly marking this thread.


*Reported*


...
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.