#1
Same song I wrote before, but with alot of editing, I think it's alot better, let's see what you guys think.

Verse 1
You say I need to stand up for myself,
And when I do, you go insane.
You say I need to admire myself,
And once I do, you fill me with pain.

Bridge
I do not understand your logic,
You fight against the actions you told me to do.
And now that I've finally realized it,
I know what you told me is just to help you.

Chorus
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You must deceive to get your way.
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You confront your guilt every day.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I refuse to be selfish like you.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I will fight for what I know is true.

Verse 2
You say I am too considerate,
Yet you get mad because I resist.
You say I need to learn more of reality,
Yet you deny what truly exists.

Bridge

Chorus

Breakdown
Forget you I don't need your deception
F*** you and all of this tension
Forget you I don't need your deception
F*** you and all of this tension
Forget you I don't need your deception
F*** you and all of this tension
Forget you I don't need your deception
F*** you and all of this tension

Chorus

(*) = group shout
Everything but the bridge was edited, biggest changes are the breakdown and fancier vocab. Here's the old song to compare:

Verse 1
You tell me to defend myself,
And when I do, you get mad.
You tell me to learn to like myself,
And when I do, you make me sad.

Bridge
I do not understand your logic,
You fight against the actions you told me to do.
And now that I've finally realized it,
I know what you told me is just to help you.

Chorus
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You must do wrong to get your way.
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You deal with your guilt every day.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I won't become selfish like you.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I will fight for what I know is true.

Verse 2
You tell me I'm being too sincere,
Yet you get mad because I still fight.
You tell me I need to learn more about reality,
Yet you say in the end I am right.

Bridge

Chorus

Breakdown
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice

Chorus

Those of you who critiqued the older version, I'd appreciate if you told me your thoughts on the edit. I also still need a name for it. "Sadist" seems to work for it well I think. Thanks to everyone that helped me improve it, and thanks to dictionary.com

I'm C4C, as long as you give me a link to your song. I'm not searching through the threads to see if you've ever made a song...
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
Last edited by Scottzar at Oct 7, 2007,
#2
Hmm, it's nice. I like the almost tragic story it tells, i hope it isn't based off too real of an experience.

The bridge however, i think at least, is redundant as it just restates what the verses implied, but that's up to you if you want to change that. I think overall it's well written, as for a title, call it something almost ironic like "Your love" (stupid, but i think it might be cool)

crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=686650
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#3
First of all I have to say that the changes you made were good. But i would change the last line of verse one. That "fill me with pain" is just too cliche. Also I would change the last line of the bridge. it's not bad, I just think it could use some dressing up. Perhaps something like, "your wisdom only teaches self-abuse". The last two lines of the second line were great. Throughout the whole piece I would feel the tension. (i usually don't like swearing in songs, but it works here). Also the flow was great. Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading more of your pieces.

Crit mine please
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#5
Nice straightforward lyrics, tad generic I'll say, but good. I would say while I think the rhyming in the chorus is nessecary to maintain flow, if you are intending on screaming or growling, the rhymes in the verses could be dropped for more meaningful and less forced word patterns.

-Cody
#6
Good song, agree with what themarsvolta said about how the tension can be felt throughout. The get mad / sad rhyme can sound a bit iffy, but if the phrasing and singing is done right, it'd all be smooth sailing.
#7
Quote by Shihonage
Good song, agree with what themarsvolta said about how the tension can be felt throughout. The get mad / sad rhyme can sound a bit iffy, but if the phrasing and singing is done right, it'd all be smooth sailing.


That's from the older version, I changed that in the newer one.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#8
not bad, but its a little bit straight forward in my opinion. i'm curious as to how you would sing it. seems almost like you'd just be talking to somebody with music in the background.
#9
Quote by hxc5150lp
not bad, but its a little bit straight forward in my opinion. i'm curious as to how you would sing it. seems almost like you'd just be talking to somebody with music in the background.


I scream/sing very loudly. Right now I can only scream, but I need to learn to do the latter. Maybe that helps improve the song, or does that make it seem worse?

Sorry for posting again, I'm answering a question.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#10
Ok I owe you a crit I think:

Quote by Scottzar
Same song I wrote before, but with alot of editing, I think it's alot better, let's see what you guys think.

Verse 1
You say I need to stand up for myself,
And when I do, you go insane.
You say I need to admire myself,
And once I do, you fill me with pain.

This stanza is good. A strong start.

Bridge
I do not understand your logic,
You fight against the actions you told me to do. Terrible grammar. You've clearly tried to hard too get a rhyme here. Change it.
And now that I've finally realized it,
I know what you told me is just to help you.

It's ok.

Chorus
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You must deceive to get your way. Don't like it. These lines lack any substance or depth, and shouting "you're a liar" is very blatant, which in turn is quite dull.
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You confront your guilt every day.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I refuse to be selfish like you.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I will fight for what I know is true.
Kinda cheesy last line, but it can work well. Just be wary of the cliches.

Verse 2
You say I am too considerate,
Yet you get mad because I resist.
You say I need to learn more of reality,
Yet you deny what truly exists.

I couldn't really see what specific message you were giving in this verse, but it fits in alright

Bridge

Chorus

Breakdown
Forget you I don't need your deception
F*** you and all of this tension
Forget you I don't need your deception
F*** you and all of this tension
Forget you I don't need your deception
F*** you and all of this tension
Forget you I don't need your deception
F*** you and all of this tension

Reminds me of Killing in the Name. Nice.



Not bad, not great, IMO.
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#11
I like it.. its one of those songs you can tell has a kick to it.. the use of the words was good..it has a rolling quallity to it.. nice..
#12
I was going to do a full crit of it, but I didn't really like it, so I'm not going to (I don't want to be harsh ). I thought the writing itself was pretty blunt, and while it might sound good with music, it's not good writing. I thought you were like really to the point in everything you said, but I'm not sure it that's a good thing. I think you should try to throw in some imagery, some metaphors, you know, spice it up a little. I thought the last stanza was a bit of a RATM rip-off.
Now, I commented on your writing as it is. Don't get me wrong, this is probably a good song if you put the right music to it. It's just from a writer's perspective that I didn't like it.

Thanks for critting mine.
#13
we all love to say f**k especially me, but its being over used in the song, it gets to the point were your waiting for something new...it just gets old hearing the same thing over and over again
When in doubt, sweep it out