#1
Verse 1
Look deep in her eyes
and dont let your voice go flat
just keep on smiling
while you stab her in the back
hold your lips tight
but dont let your face go blue
because maybe you dont know
but she's betraying you too

Dont ever let your mind
get outside your pretty head
because its just another game of
"did you hear what that girl said?"
dont ever let your thoughts
slip out through your lips
because really no one cares
what you think of that girls hips

(chorus)
I'm not a fucking bitch, im just unself controlled
I know I really shouldnt believe everything im told
But all the rumours get to me, and drive me of the brink
Sometimes maybe before I act, it might be smart to think

Verse 2
So Hug her tight
and tell her your best friends
because at the end of the day
most everyone pretends
flash that perfect smile
and a little twist too
becuase you wont be smiling
when that knife is in you

(chourus)

Verse 3
Every word you've said
has hit the floor again
and sometimes everyone wonders
when the fuck this will end
So just keep smiling
and hold those comments down
because everytime something goes
it will come around

(chorus)

You crit mine, i'll crit yours, any comments appreciated
Quote by adamk991100
I'm not in college, but i'd imagine the parties like the ones I just downloaded...

Quote by Weaponized
vagelier and PinkFender_69 are actually pretty dope
Hey, one of those people is me!

Just hang on a second, I'll be back.
#2
Quote by PinkFender_69
Verse 1
Look deep in her eyes
and dont let your voice go flat
just keep on smiling
while you stab her in the back
hold your lips tight
but dont let your face go blue
because maybe you dont know
but she's betraying you too

The meaning of this verse is very clear. I think you should take out the "and" and the "but" from the beginning of the lines that have them, they are implied, and they make the flow of it worse.

Dont ever let your mind
get outside your pretty head
because its just another game of
"did you hear what that girl said?"
dont ever let your thoughts
slip out through your lips
because really no one cares
what you think of that girls hips

I like this part, but what is it? Verse 2, and the first after is supposed to be verse 3? If you're titling everything else, this needs a title too. Other than that, I think it works well, flow is good.

(chorus)
I'm not a fucking bitch, im just unself controlled
I know I really shouldnt believe everything im told
But all the rumours get to me, and drive me of the brink
Sometimes maybe before I act, it might be smart to think

"Unself" is not a word. I'm not sure if you knew that and were going for that, but if you didn't know, use "not self," and I don't think you need the "just" before "unself," it takes from the flow. For the second line, you should take out "really," that doesn't flow well either. The third line is good, but for the fourth line, I just don't like "sometimes." Maybe use a different word with the same meaning there, or something that flows better.

Verse 2
So Hug her tight
and tell her your best friends
because at the end of the day
most everyone pretends
flash that perfect smile
and a little twist too
becuase you wont be smiling
when that knife is in you

The second line doesn't make sense, it's missing a word or something. Take out the "and" at the beginning of the lines again. Other than that, pretty good.

(chourus)

Verse 3
Every word you've said
has hit the floor again
and sometimes everyone wonders
when the fuck this will end
So just keep smiling
and hold those comments down
because everytime something goes
it will come around

I'm not sure what you mean by "Every word you've said has hit the floor again." Maybe I've just never heard that phrase, but try to come up with a different phrase with the same meaning. For the third line, reword it, maybe to "Everyone is wondering." The phrase of the last two lines makes sense, but it doesn't flow too well, plus it isn't the original phrase of what you were going for. I can think of something that's gone that hasn't come back, and there are alot of situations that prove that phrase wrong. Reword it, or take it out altogether.

(chorus)

You crit mine, i'll crit yours, any comments appreciated


I see where you're going with the song, but the vocab and rhyming isn't too special, and there some parts that just don't flow like a song should. A few typos here and there, I'm sure you'll see them later. The meaning of the song is very.... meaningful. You never got off track from the meaning, and I'm sure alot of people could relate to this song. Good for a start, but has much more potential. Thanks for critting mine too.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#3
Thanks chief, you've been a lot of help
Quote by adamk991100
I'm not in college, but i'd imagine the parties like the ones I just downloaded...

Quote by Weaponized
vagelier and PinkFender_69 are actually pretty dope
Hey, one of those people is me!

Just hang on a second, I'll be back.