#1
red & yellow
catching leaves beneath the trees
blowing wind
lifted coats, laughing kids
curious hands find their way to shattered shells
salty wind
breathing in that pleasant smell

letting go of the world
we will laugh like we should
just like kids we will play
with autumn leaves on a sandy beach

fairy tales
footsteps imprinted in sand
rustling sheets of red & yellow in our hands
walk with me
share this moment before, it ends
reminisce
watch the memory hand in hand

letting go of the world
we will laugh like we should
just like kids we will play
with autumn leaves on a sandy beach

say goodbye to the seagulls on those trees
say goodbye to the waves crashing on concrete
say goodbye to that park bench laying on the sand
say goodbye to the autumn leaves on that sandy beach
Last edited by turnfoot at Oct 8, 2007,
#2
Very specific, yet very open to interpretation. Flow is decent, could be better. It didn't grab my attention that well, throw in some more interesting vocab, for example "Rustling things." Things isn't a very good word to use.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#3
hey thnx man. i made the "things" change like u said. any more suggestions on how i could make it better?
#4
Yeah that was a good improvement. Maybe for the last part, you could say:
Say goodbye to seagulls in the trees,
to the waves crashing against the concrete,
to the park bench laying on the sand,
to the autumn leaves on the sandy beach.

Or something along the lines of that. You spelled "pleasant" wrong in the last line of the first verse. And try to use "the" instead of "that" so much, using that makes it too specific, in my opinion. You're getting there.

Do you think you could crit my songs? Links are in my signature.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression