#1
I'm called upon to show up
in a whore infested place,
where the air is filled
with eerie silhouettes to embrace
and familiar faces that
I'm holding grudges against.

They say you have to experiment
with the disease to find a cure.

I'll be out demon-haunting
with microscope eyes,
taking notes on the cancer that's killing you(th)
and inventing drugs overnight.
#2
I'd say the first stanza can be accurately described as clumsy.
I'm not really sure the line breaks really suit it well at all, the exception being the one spot this stanza stands out, which would be the "place/embrace" rhyme.

There might actually be a grammatical error with the "I'm holding..." line and the one before it. You might need a 'that' or something, it just didn't sit well with me, I'm not sure of course, I'm not spectacular with grammar myself. Also ending on against adds to this feeling I'm getting from it. Just doesn't read well. I'd say take a look at the flow more than anything.

the second just seems to be rather sophomoric attempt at being clever.

and with the third, the (th) is just a bit much and overall it still feels a bit base like the 2nd, especially the use of 'cancer'. The metaphors and imagery were a bit lacking in their execution, just sort of blandly put. I actually quite liked the last line though.

overall I expect better, but not bad though.
k bai.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Oct 7, 2007,
#3
I'm called upon to show up
in a ***** infested place,
i wouldn't say "place"; it just seems kind of bland.
i also don't like "whore infested" either.
it seems sort of juvenile, and i can think of much better,
much more eloquent-sounding ways to say the same thing.

where the air is filled
with eerie silhouettes to embrace
and familiar faces
I'm holding grudges against.
this all just seemed kind of clumsy
and sort of... i don't know... distant?
it just seems like you don't mean
what you're saying. it's not sincere.
it just feels sort of. uninspired.


They say you have to experiment
with the disease to find a cure.
this is pretty decent, and i like the idea.
nothing wrong here. good jobbbb.


I'll be out demon-haunting (hunting?)
with microscope eyes,
taking notes on the cancer that's killing you(th)
the (th) seems somewhat unnecessary.
choose one or the other (you or youth).
it just seems like you wanted to seem like
you had more to say than you actually do.

and inventing drugs overnight.


anywayyyyyyy. overall, it was decent.
the first stanza really needs improvement,
but the rest of it is pretty good.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
Thanks Jesse. appreciate the honesty. Tried to fix it.

Thanks kyle. Too bad it seems like it's not sincere. Because I did put a whole lot of sincerity in this. I know, though, it just came out wrong. Haunting was on purpose, even though now it just looks silly to me. I'll think about it. as for the (th), I just still can't make my mind on which one I want to keep. I'm leaning towards youth.

Thanks, guys. jesse, got any you'd like me to look at?
#5
Quote by circular.parade

I'm called upon to show up
in a whore infested place,
where the air is filled
with eerie silhouettes to embrace
and familiar faces that
I'm holding grudges against.

While I'll agree with the others that this stanza is a bit clumsy, I actually quite liked the use of imagery, espescially the "eerie silhouettes to embrace" line. The ABCBDB rhyme scheme is a good idea and helps the flow a bit, but as I said, because it's a bit clumsy, the flow is slightly choppy...Also this could be the way that I'm reading it, but it seems like theres one too many lines in there, you know as opposed to 6 there being 7...but then I don't know the rhythm or melody so...

They say you have to experiment
with the disease to find a cure.

The second line here is good, almost an (crap I've forgotten the fancy English Language word for this) oxymoron (maybe?). However because the stanza is only two lines long the first line seems a bit cut short, maybe adding another couple of lines would justify it a bit more...then again as I said above, I don't have the rhythm or melody, so it could fit really well...I just can't tell...

I'll be out demon-haunting
with microscope eyes,
taking notes on the cancer that's killing you(th)
and inventing drugs overnight.
Please drop the (th) bit here...it ruins the line for me...other than that I, personally would have put "haunting demons", just because it is again abit backwards, demons are meant to haunt you (I've given up trying to remember the right word...). A slightly arupt ending, but then I can imagine that it would just sort stop at a cadence maybe?


This wasn't too bad really, the flow needs a bit of work in the first stanza, but other than that it's not bad...maybe a bit short?...

If you wouldn't mind having a look at the top one in my sig? Cheers