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#1
PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

"When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel," Murphy said. "Who's in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who's going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we'd all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday."

Government-conducted zombie-attack scenarios described on the State Department's website indicate that a successful, citywide zombie takeover would take 10 days, but according to ZPI statistician Dr. Milton Cornelius, the government's models fail to incorporate such factors as the zombies' rudimentary reasoning skills and basic tool use.

"Today's zombies quickly learn to open doors, break windows, and stage ambushes," Cornelius said. "In one 1985 incident in Louisville, a band of zombies was able to lure four paramedics and countless law-enforcement officials to their deaths by commandeering an ambulance radio and calling for backup."

ZPI researchers noted that tens of thousands of Pittsburgh citizens live in close proximity to a cemetery. This fact, coupled with abnormally high space-radiation levels in eastern Pennsylvania and ongoing traffic issues in the East Hills and Larimer areas, led Cornelius to declare the likelihood of a successful evacuation as "slight to impossible."

"The designated evacuation routes would be hopelessly clogged, leaving many no choice but to escape by foot," Cornelius said. "Add a single lurching zombie into that easily panicked crowd and you've got a nightmare scenario."

Cornelius' model shows that after the ensuing stampede, "the zombie could pick and choose his victims," and predicts the creation of hundreds of new undead "in a single half-hour feeding frenzy."

Pittsburgh's structural defenses are particularly inadequate. The city's emergency safe houses, established by a city ordinance in the early '70s, lack even the most basic fortifications for zombie invasion.
Enlarge Image Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack

"Under the ordinance, wooden tool sheds and rusty station wagons are classified as adequate shelter," Cornelius said. "But once dozens of zombies hungering for living flesh begin pounding on the walls and driving their half-decomposed fists through the windows, sheds and cars quickly give way."

Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a "long-term, even fun" refuge from zombies.

Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier Baptiste, who calls FUMA's information "hopelessly outdated."

"Dr. Aurora's claims are based on decades-old zombie models," Baptiste said. "Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human."

Added Baptiste: "That FUMA trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is."

Evans City, PA Police Chief Gino Fulci said zombie preparedness comes down to training on the local level.

"Children need to be taught from preschool that they might have to put a bullet between the eyes of their own undead mother," Fulci said. "'Destroy The Brain' banners should be hung above the entrances of schools, churches, and town halls everywhere."

Cornelius recommends that Pittsburgh residents prepare a "go-bag" containing a Glock 17 pistol and 50 rounds of ammunition. If leaving the house is not an option, Cornelius advises residents to barricade all first-story doors and windows, and have at least one method of suicide prepared, should zombies successfully breach the home.

Read it here
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#5
+1 to much reading and also he is dumb due to the fact zombies do not exist
#6
What movie was the fourth statement from? I love that movie just forgot the name.
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#7
Quote by josh999x
+1 to much reading and also he is dumb due to the fact zombies do not exist


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#10
no derek you are a pathetic idiot...they realize that its a joke dumb*ss, everyone knows about the onion
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#12


I find it highly disheartening that some people find that to be 'too much reading'.
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#13
"In one 1985 incident in Louisville, a band of zombies was able to lure four paramedics and countless law-enforcement officials to their deaths by commandeering an ambulance radio and calling for backup."


read up to that lol'd and now im gonna go to bestbuy and buy Return of the Living Dead cuz that was possibly the best and worst zombie movie of all time
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#14
What could a pit dweller possibly be doing that is important enough to tag this as "too much reading"?

Anyway, great article. I will be sure to ask my public safety adviser about St. John's zombie awareness.
Survivor of the St. John's Lockdown
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#15
Too much reading?
The zombies have already won.
Damn Yakvlt and his shiny bauble tactics.
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#16
Quote by josh999x
+1 to much reading and also he is dumb due to the fact zombies do not exist


Night of the Living Dead, and Dawn of the Dead were both filmed in pittsburgh, the new Land of the Dead takes place in Pittsburgh (as well as other, less notable crap fests).

Its a joke paying homage to the cities rich Zombie history.


#17
Quote by josh999x
+1 to much reading and also he is dumb due to the fact zombies do not exist


It's a joke you lazy asshat.
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I met this chick I really liked and wanted to practice sex, so I practiced on some guy I met at a gas station...
#18
Quote by metalisbest
What movie was the fourth statement from? I love that movie just forgot the name.


Return of the living dead i believe.
#19
zombies!
best thread. ever.
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
#20
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best thread. ever.




Now I feel accomplished.
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#21
Quote by Slaytanic6606


Now I feel accomplished.

run for president, you got my vote. lol. youd be the only canditate who could defend us form zombies, the others are leaving us open to a atatck! if not president i demand that you be added as the minister of zombie defense for whoever does get elected.
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
#22
Quote by The Evil Hat
run for president, you got my vote. lol. youd be the only canditate who could defend us form zombies, the others are leaving us open to a atatck! if not president i demand that you be added as the minister of zombie defense for whoever does get elected.




I'll do my best.
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I met this chick I really liked and wanted to practice sex, so I practiced on some guy I met at a gas station...
#23
Quote by Slaytanic6606


I'll do my best.

niice,
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
#24
When the zombie holocaust comes, a sufficient degree of preparedness is recquired, but we don't know yet what kind of zombies they wil be. Examples of the following types:

Natural Zombies
Traditional, rules apply (headshots), these zombies only attack other people, but not animals or other lifeforms. It is believed this way that zombies have basic recognition skills, with an underlying hunger. They 'see' humans, but think of food. Hence, humans = food. These can be on a staggering array of mobility, from traditional staggering to full out run.

Scientific Zombies
Explainable for their existence, these usually spawn from a virus, nuclear radiation, etc etc. Same rules apply for natural zombies, but the biggest danger here is the ability for it to get into the ecosystem. Decaying flesh gets devoured by animals, animals get it, circle or life gets it into aquatic life, bug life, and then plant life. So you can survive as long as you can in a SZ outbreak, but once they take over, it is complete and total game over. Crops don't grow, bug bites cause virus injection, all life burns itself out.

Fantasy Zombies
The following 2 are the most dangerous to deal with directly, though an outbreak of fantasy zombies are slim to done. Tradtional rules typically do not apply, no headshots, no spinal cord severing. Usually born from magic, the only way to kill them is also with magic. You're pretty much ****ed because how many people know how to use magic nowadays? The advantage to these is that you can stop the outbreak if you kill the main guy, usually someone like a necromancer. Big advantage here, because headshots apply to him.

Science Fiction Zombies
The most dangerous to deal with directly, tradtional killing rules usuallly apply, as well as the risks associated with scientific zombies, namely eco-collapse. The danger comes from the fact that most of the time for SFZs, the 'zombie' state is only a gestation phase, before something far more powerful and mobile arises. A good example of this is The Flood, outlined in the future non-fiction documentary Halo. Again with fantasy zombies, usually an Overmind is born once the zombies former brain power cumulates and reaches critical mass. If the overmind can be killed, the entire outbreak is halted. A suit with a +90 armor rating is recommended, as normally sci-fi zombies have tentacles that can hit pretty hard.

These are the main archetypes of zombies, do your own research and prepare for each appropriate outbreak, as the preparations are different for each.
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
#25
Pittsburgh unprepared!? Get me a pitchfork, a torch, a bottle of beer, and a one way ticket there and I'll change all of this!
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#26
"Today's zombies quickly learn to open doors, break windows, and stage ambushes," Cornelius said. "In one 1985 incident in Louisville, a band of zombies was able to lure four paramedics and countless law-enforcement officials to their deaths by commandeering an ambulance radio and calling for backup."




RotLD ftw!
#DTWD
#27
Quote by Slaytanic6606

"Today's zombies quickly learn to open doors, break windows, and stage ambushes," Cornelius said. "In one 1985 incident in Louisville, a band of zombies was able to lure four paramedics and countless law-enforcement officials to their deaths by commandeering an ambulance radio and calling for backup."


Wasn't that Return of the Living Dead? Or am I to now assume that movie is based on a real story...
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#28
how do you rate threads? this needs a 5 star rating.
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
#29
Ahaha, I love the Onion.

And people are idiots. If there were actually a full-scale zombie invasion...who would care? They walk slowly and are completely weak. Even Pittsburgh could take care of them.
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#30
Quote by CM_X5
Wasn't that Return of the Living Dead? Or am I to now assume that movie is based on a real story...


It was. This is a satirical news article. They mentioned it as a joke.
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I met this chick I really liked and wanted to practice sex, so I practiced on some guy I met at a gas station...
#31
Quote by primusfan


RotLD ftw!


Zombie at hospital over CB radio: "Come to the hospital, its safe!"
Old doctor: "Who is the current US president."
Zombie: "..........Harry Truman?"
Doctor: "I rest my case."

Classic film.
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#32
Quote by Sonicxlover
Ahaha, I love the Onion.

And people are idiots. If there were actually a full-scale zombie invasion...who would care? They walk slowly and are completely weak. Even Pittsburgh could take care of them.



We do have zombies. We just call them bums. Honestly, i was watching campus TV at pitt, and this kid filled a whole half hour segment about how a looney bum named shuffles took a dump on his porch.
#33
Quote by Slaytanic6606
It was. This is a satirical news article. They mentioned it as a joke.


Yeah I just barely read the real article and found a link to another called "92 percent of souls in hell there on drug charges"
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#35
Quote by josh999x
+1 to much reading and also he is dumb due to the fact zombies do not exist

Thats what they WANT you to think..
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This man deserves my +1

+1

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#36
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You will be a unregrettable loss.

fixed
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#37
Its a sad but true reality that most of America is indeed in danger of zombie attacks due to Bush's negligence.
#38
Quote by Doofag
Its a sad but true reality that most of America is indeed in danger of zombie attacks due to Bush's negligence.


Bush is doing everything he can.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IoXgRtDysLY
Quote by HuckIt
I met this chick I really liked and wanted to practice sex, so I practiced on some guy I met at a gas station...
#40
ZOMBIES DON'T LEARN ANYTHING, THEY DON'T EVOLVE, LEARN OR TALK OR CALL FOR MFING BACKUP!, THEY ARE JUST PARASITES!

Jesus, the mayor of Pittsburg needs to read the whole Zombie Survival Guide.
Loser, just cos he watched Land of the Dead....

In other words:


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