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#2
I was so ugly as a kid, that i was the poster child for birth control
Quote by nexteyenate
+1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

leftybassdude's opinion is superior to anyone else's

Member of The Weakerthans Fan Club
PM TechnicolorBoy or maybe_I_am to join
#3
On my Profile?

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...


"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything


A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.


"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "


Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls


"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"


The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.


He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.


He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.


"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang


Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.


'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.


Maybe not but it's had some lols.
#4
You might be a bassist if your band sells your amp to buy a PA

Don't remember where I heard this one, but I love it
Weird Al = Awesome
Buckethead = Awesome
Ergo, Awesome = Buckethead = Weird Al
Quote by Hart_Attack
the logic... its. so. precise! you broke the code! hail Omni-Ragnarok for answering lifes biggest question, who is buckethead.
#6
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years, then we met." - R. Dangerfield
Last edited by soulphonate at Oct 8, 2007,
#8
whats the worst part about ****ing a dead baby?

cleaning all the blood off of your clown suit.
Tool kicks ass
#10
...so then the necrophiliac says," that body doesn't belong in the morgue! it belongs in my bed!"


Q#m
e|--6--|
B|--5--|
G|--7--|
D|--7--|x2586
A|--5--|
E|-----|


Play until she breaks up with you.

The most brutal band to ever exist is...

You should go like them...even if you don't like them.


-Sloppyjoe24
#12
That's not a one liner^

EDIT: To Arkane.
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
#13
Quote by wiggyisgreat
On my Profile?

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...


"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything


A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.


"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "


Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls


"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"


The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.


He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.


He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.


"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang


Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.


'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.


Maybe not but it's had some lols.



lmao man

+1000000000000001

'08 Ibanez S5470 Prestige
Gibson SG Special - discontinued teal finish
Mesa Boogie Triple Rectifier
4x12 Mesa Oversized Slanted Cab
BOSS TU-2
iSP Decimator
#14
Quote by wiggyisgreat



"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything


A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.


"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "


Maybe not but it's had some lols.


Oh my god....I thought iw as gonna die laughing...
#15
Quote by Serial 177
screw girls... literally

That's one of the worst jokes i have heard in a long time.
#16
Quote by MedicreDemon
That's not a one liner^

EDIT: To Arkane.



i dont care, its funny
Tool kicks ass
#18
"Your mum."

OH, the lulz.
Quote by buckethead_jr
^And known for that bloody awesome croissant with a crown.
Man that's badass.


MINE SIG R PINK
#20
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

that one cracked me up for a good 5 minutes
Ibanez RGT42FX
Vox AD30VT-XL

Quote by Attack
No. In Soviet Russia, Hell goes to you,
#23
Quote by Saintsatan
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...


...And then what, don't leave me on suspense here.
#25
Quote by that1l)ude
Wiggy that was some funny ****.
but is it a one liner?

I think it could just fit into that category.
#29
Quote by IclaptonisgodI
^ i think it sould be

So a dyslexic man walks into a rab


rab=bar backwards

...but bra is just funny anyway, rab isn't.
FUCK YOU! GET PUMPED!
#30
Although this isn't a one line joke, it's one of my favorites:


There was once a child who's family was very rich. He could have anything his heart desired. One day, his father came up to him:

"Hey son. Your birthday is coming up. What would you like us to get you?"

The father expected a response like "A new computer" or "a newer "iPod", but his response was:
"Well....honestly, father? You have given me all I could ever want. However, I still would like on thing"
"What is that?"
"A pink ping pong ball."
The father got very confused, but he decided not to ask questions.

On the boy's birthday, the father gave the boy one pink ping pong ball. The boy put it on his desk and went to bed. The father went to his room the next morning and the ping pong ball was gone. The father decided his son might feel bad about losing the gift, so he decided not to ask questions.

The next year came and the father went up to the boy:

"Hey son. Your birthday is coming up. What would you like us to get you?"
"Once again, dad; You have given me all I could ever want. However, I still would like on thing"
"What is that?"
"A set of pink ping pong balls"
The father got very confused again, but he decided not to ask questions.

The father bought and gave his son a set of pink ping pong balls. The boy once again set them on the desk and went to bed. The father went to the boy's room the next day and the set was gone again. He decided not to ask questions.

The next year came

"Hey son. Your birthday is coming up. What would you like us to get you?"
"Once again, dad; You have given me all I could ever want. However, I still would like on thing"
"What is that?"
"A box of pink ping pong balls"
The father got very confused again, but he decided not to ask questions.

The father bought and gave his son a package of pink ping pong balls. The boy once again set them on the desk and went to bed. The father went to the boy's room the next day and the package was gone again. He decided not to ask questions.

The next year came

"Hey son. Your birthday is coming up. What would you like us to get you?"
"Once again, dad; You have given me all I could ever want. However, I still would like on thing"
"What is that?"
"An entire factory that makes pink ping pong balls"
The father got very confused again, but he decided not to ask questions.

The father bought and gave his son an entire factory that makes pink ping pong balls. The next day, the father went to drive to the factory, and saw it was gone. He could not believe it. He drove to his house to ask his son what happened all these years. On his way, he received a phone call from his wife:

"Our son accidentally was hit by a car. He's in the hospital"

The father frantically drove to the hospital to see his son. When he arrived in the room, his son was in critical condition.

"Son, are you okay?"
"I don't know...I might not make it"
"Want do you want? I will do anything for you right now. If this if your last moment, I want it to be as pleasurable as possible."
"All I want is one pink ping pong ball"
"Son, I must ask you; what did you do with all of those pink ping pong balls over the years?"
"I promise I will tell you as soon as you complete my last wish"

The father quickly drove, bought a pink ping pong ball and gave it to his son.

"Thank you father..."
"...your promise? I'm sorry, but I have to know what you did with all of those pink ping pong balls"
"I....I...."
"YES?!"
"I....I...I......."

And then he died.
#31
Ever here about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
#32
Three flies are sitting on a toilet seat, one gets pissed off.
Quote by mcw00t
"so you mean if the father is sterile, the kid will be sterile too?"

Proof God exists and evolution is a lie:
Quote by elguitarrista3
the prove is u because u did n create urself and ur parents dindt and their parents didnt and so on and we are not monkeys peace

#33
Quote by The Madcap
Although this isn't a one line joke, it's one of my favorites:


There was once a child who's family was very rich. He could have anything his heart desired. One day, his father came up to him:

"Hey son. Your birthday is coming up. What would you like us to get you?"

The father expected a response like "A new computer" or "a newer "iPod", but his response was:
"Well....honestly, father? You have given me all I could ever want. However, I still would like on thing"
"What is that?"
"A pink ping pong ball."
The father got very confused, but he decided not to ask questions.

On the boy's birthday, the father gave the boy one pink ping pong ball. The boy put it on his desk and went to bed. The father went to his room the next morning and the ping pong ball was gone. The father decided his son might feel bad about losing the gift, so he decided not to ask questions.

The next year came and the father went up to the boy:

"Hey son. Your birthday is coming up. What would you like us to get you?"
"Once again, dad; You have given me all I could ever want. However, I still would like on thing"
"What is that?"
"A set of pink ping pong balls"
The father got very confused again, but he decided not to ask questions.

The father bought and gave his son a set of pink ping pong balls. The boy once again set them on the desk and went to bed. The father went to the boy's room the next day and the set was gone again. He decided not to ask questions.

The next year came

"Hey son. Your birthday is coming up. What would you like us to get you?"
"Once again, dad; You have given me all I could ever want. However, I still would like on thing"
"What is that?"
"A box of pink ping pong balls"
The father got very confused again, but he decided not to ask questions.

The father bought and gave his son a package of pink ping pong balls. The boy once again set them on the desk and went to bed. The father went to the boy's room the next day and the package was gone again. He decided not to ask questions.

The next year came

"Hey son. Your birthday is coming up. What would you like us to get you?"
"Once again, dad; You have given me all I could ever want. However, I still would like on thing"
"What is that?"
"An entire factory that makes pink ping pong balls"
The father got very confused again, but he decided not to ask questions.

The father bought and gave his son an entire factory that makes pink ping pong balls. The next day, the father went to drive to the factory, and saw it was gone. He could not believe it. He drove to his house to ask his son what happened all these years. On his way, he received a phone call from his wife:

"Our son accidentally was hit by a car. He's in the hospital"

The father frantically drove to the hospital to see his son. When he arrived in the room, his son was in critical condition.

"Son, are you okay?"
"I don't know...I might not make it"
"Want do you want? I will do anything for you right now. If this if your last moment, I want it to be as pleasurable as possible."
"All I want is one pink ping pong ball"
"Son, I must ask you; what did you do with all of those pink ping pong balls over the years?"
"I promise I will tell you as soon as you complete my last wish"

The father quickly drove, bought a pink ping pong ball and gave it to his son.

"Thank you father..."
"...your promise? I'm sorry, but I have to know what you did with all of those pink ping pong balls"
"I....I...."
"YES?!"
"I....I...I......."

And then he died.

Can you tell us the concept of the story? I really don't get it..
#34
Quote by Saintsatan
So a seal walks into a club..


(Clubbing seals in Antarctica.. such cruelty)

I actually lol'd. how sad.
#35
Quote by Saintsatan
Can you tell us the concept of the story? I really don't get it..

Yeah, either he's missed a bit out or i've just wasted 7 minutes of my life.
#36
Quote by The Madcap
Although this isn't a one line joke, it's one of my favorites:


Wow


I laughed but I also feel like I got jipped.
Quote by herby190
Every thread I've seen you in has been a complete success. Yay you!

Quote by theking182
i'm voting for GNiCk89. i just like how he speaks TO me, not AT me.

Quote by \m/Angus\m/
Yea, Sublime is a great band. You have an Underoath icon, so I think your opinion doesn't matter.
#38
Quote by The Madcap
That's the point.

You horrible person. My long one-liner was a lot more worth while
#40
Quote by kidsilcon
Yeah, either he's missed a bit out or i've just wasted 7 minutes of my life.

You spent 7 minutes reading that? XD
FUCK YOU! GET PUMPED!
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