#1
I guess this would be my first Poem, Drowned.


Confusion fills the room, it starts to flood.
Finally I begin to drown, in tons of questions. They push me down.
Looking around, wondering "what is that sound" It's the sound of fear.
The fear of seeing the end, of this life that's for rent. From behind
there sounds a scream, that comes from a dream that seems to have lost reality, it seems so far away, as far as the life he wanted,
but took for granted.

You spot a dot of light in the distance, you catch it just to find out it's a broken promise, of the girl that now makes me vomit.

Above me there is another spot of hope in the darkness,
the spot of hope that stopped me from being broken-hearted.
Altough I soon found out, the hope was the one, to push my last bit of breath out.
And now I'm not afraid to admit, I'm drowned, in my pain, in the flowing tears, and my fears.


Cheers for reading
#2
I really liked the inner rhyming, but the vocabulary use was just a bit plain at times... it didn't really interest me much due to a lack of imagery I suppose.. I don't really know the flow-go, but this is whack hoe.

I would recommend just kind of spicing it up with some sugary nice spice, or something like that... just go over it and try and make it less like a textbook in terms of vocabulary,

it has a great idea though, and like i said, the rhymes were fantastic

crit myn? - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=687727
#3
I really like this, it flows well and is nice and solid. I do agree with skagitup though, some of the choices of vocabulary are a little...obvious. Still though-you've got a good idea with theme here, plenty to work from!
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
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