#1
This is a work in progress and is not still not quite finished yet, but tell me what you think.

Feelings, Not Captains

I wore my heart on my sleeve
You threw it under your feet
New definition of the word mistreat

It has pulse, there is a beat
Beaten, but not broken yet
I think it is finally falling asleep

And I always...I always...

Wonder, what it could have been
But it's over, No turning back, I'm giving in
To this emotion, that courses through my veins
That says it's over
and I don't want it back again

I threw the anchor on a sinking ship
And feelings, not captains, went down with it

Down to the bottom of the
Ocean gray, in the aqua
A hidden treasure never found again

And I always....I always

Wonder, what it could have been
But it's over, No turning back, I'm giving in
To this emotion, that courses through my veins
That says it's over
and I don't want it back again
Last edited by BigWillE24302 at Oct 11, 2007,
#2
Unfortunately most of your metaphors and phrase choices have been used before so it sort of takes away from the piece.

But there were a few interesting ideas you had in there, chief among them the title and subsequently the ending. You did a good job of slight rhyming there and it went well. Moreover, I wasn't a fan of the constantly beating/bleeding heart- it's just so simple and overused. But "I think it is falling asleep"- ah, something new! I really liked that line.

I just don't feel like you delivered the message in a lyrical way that would make a reader feel involved or...anything at all, really. I don't mean to sound harsh especially since it is a work in progress. One thing is that, clever though the title/ending may be, you really didn't expand on the ship/captain metaphor throughout. You should give us, the audience, little inklings about what's coming up. Just use some water-related words or phrases to tie things together. It's a good idea and I'd really like to see some more thorough writing on it. If there are edits or reposts you'll hear from me .
#3
Thanks for the constructive crit, its appreciated.

The bleeding/beating deal is pretty overused, I admit. Im gonna definitely have to change that up. Ive never heard "I wore my heart on my sleeve, your threw it under your feet" before, has that also been used? Excuse my ignorance.

And thats actually not the ending of the song, its the first two lines of the second verse. Im gonna expand on that idea soon. Again, thanks for the crit. Comment back if you can.
#4
This time around is much better! . I like your third line.

I didn't mean that that phrase had been used before necessarily, but the whole heart thing...It might just be personal, I'm sick of hearing about everyone's hearts! lol.

The message in your chorus is really strong and I think repeating it adds to that. I still don't think that the title really represents the piece because it only deals with part of it. This might just be me though, you might want to see what others have to say about it too.
#5
Well at first the title was going to be simply "Wonder." Which was because it would probably make people think it was a love song, when its actually the opposite. But when I thought of the Feelings, Not Captains part I decided to make it the title because I loved the line. Thats about the only reason
#6
This is really good! Flow is great, rhymes aren't lame and simple, and the meaning of it and metaphors are awesome. I really don't have much to crit about it, other than "To this emotion, that courses my veins." Is that supposed to be "To this emotion, that courses through my veins."? Great job either way, I just didn't know if something slipped by you.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#7
Actually I just realized that I do say "through my veins" That was a fault on my part
Last edited by BigWillE24302 at Oct 11, 2007,