#1
This poem was written after my best friend helped me out of some hard times. And it's sorta of a way to thank her. Just wanta know what you think. I will crit you back.

"Hold My Hand"


In the dark its cold
and my mind is dwelling
on the things that aren't there
but my brain keeps swelling
its about to burst
my heart's about to give out
I need you much in this time of doubt

Hold my hand,and hold it tight
It's all I need to get through the night
Protect me from all the monsters about
Your voice a calm and silent shout
It covers me over
Every inch of my shoulder

Theres no fear now.
no fear now at all
your her my love
and thats all I need.
Founder of UG's Club

Quote by Kadaj
Yes, that's why it has big fangs, for tickling you with.

Quote by JC13
The banker has proposed an offer of FOUR BJ's...lucky911charms, Deal, or No deal?
#2
Quote by lucky911charms
"Hold My Hand"

In the dark its cold
and my mind is dwelling
on the things that aren't there
but my brain keeps swelling
its about to burst
my heart's about to give out
I need you much in this time of doubt

I didn't really like the "dwelling" "swelling" rhyme, it's a bit obvious, that is to say slightly unimaginative. Maybe change the dwelling to stalling? IDK...

Also the "about to burst" line didn't really do it for me...IDK maybe theres some other way to convey the same meaning, it just seems slightly immature to me, not quite sure why...

Oh and should there be a "so" in that last line?


Hold my hand,and hold it tight
It's all I need to get through the night
Protect me from all the monsters about
Your voice a calm and silent shout
It covers me over
Every inch of my shoulder

The "about" "shout" rhyme seemed slightly forced here, the "tight", "night" one seemed a bit obvious...IDK, it could be because my rhymes are so awful that I'm trying to justify them using someone elses work

Seriously the imagery in this stanza is good and the flow is good aswell...I couldn't quite work out the melody, but then that's not what I'm supposed to do in a crit...


Theres no fear now.
no fear now at all
your her my love
and thats all I need.

"here" rather than "her"? But if that is meant to be a "her", and the "your" is meant to be "you're", it's a pretty good image

I think I prefered the way you didn't try and force the rhyme in this stanza, it made it have a bit more impact, compared to the rest of them...



Yeah it's pretty good...reading back over what I've written I've maybe been a bit harsh in places, but yeah, a solid effort...

If you wouldn't mind having a look at the top one in my sig? Cheers