#1
Autumn
begins with the mix of winter's clouds
and summer's sun, eclipsing each other
in a cycle of smiles and shouts. Stray
rays filter through and create silhouettes
that skate across the water, brushing
dyed leaves to the banks. Across the
field a set of wet swings rock back and
forth, pertaining to the ominous breeze.

A child's laughter draws brighter pastels
on the scene. Two small girls of a tender
age wander towards the gate, behind them
(with weary steps) follows their father. For
them, it's five more minutes that they can
enjoy; home is now five minutes more away.

Closing in on another eve
the sun skulks off,
hidden in a mist of tears.

#2
First Stanza. I would change the first line to "autumn begins with winter's cloud". I don't think "the mix of" is necessary. Also in the second line I don't know if "eclipsing" is the right word. Perhaps "dancing with" or some variation of "fighting" would fit better. Also in the sixth line I would replace "dyed" with "dead".
Second stanza. First line "bright" instead of "brighter". (Because what exactly are the pastels brighter than?) Also in this stanza I would like to see some more description. Describe what the girls walk past on the way to the house. Or have the girls engaged in conversation.
Third stanza is fine.
And you know I love your writing but there is one thing I will always hate about it. The way you break up your lines. It's not natural and it takes away the flow, making the piece difficult to read. However, despite some minor hitches, this was a solid piece. Nice job, man.

Crit mine please
Ghostown Photographs
#3
begins with the mix of winter's clouds
and summer's sun, eclipsing each other
in a cycle of smiles and shouts. Stray
rays filter through and create silhouettes
that skate across the water, brushing
dyed leaves to the banks. Across the
field a set of wet swings rock back and
forth, pertaining to the ominous breeze.

some of the best imagery i have seen in while, and i must say, that is exactly autumn, overall its good, your imagery is great, but the flow and rhythm are nothing special,

A child's laughter draws brighter pastels
on the scene. Two small girls of a tender
age wander towards the gate, behind them
(with weary steps) follows their father. For
them, it's five more minutes that they can
enjoy; home is now five minutes more away.

didn't really like the verse to much, its just didnt do anything for me you know, but maybe it just me, it quite different from the first verse, changes styles a little,

Closing in on another eve
the sun skulks off,
hidden in a mist of tears.

i like it, a nice way to end it off, nice flow and imagery.

overall it was good, it started off real well and then kinda died for me, but it def wasnt bad at all, care to crit one of mine?
#4
Thanks you two.

The line breaks feel natural to me, as I write them, and for pieces like this I like the sort of unnatural flow, because it gives it a slightly more distant picture, which is what I intend. I'd ony seriously think about revising how I use my line breaks if people wouldn't read anything by me if I carried on with them. Do they detract that much from the piece?

I'll try and crit you both back tonight. Greg, could you leave a link?

Thanks.
#5
I can't really critique it, I'm not really a poet, sure I write metaphorical songs, but this poem is an idea above my station.
I really like it, there's something about it that seems...magical? As overused as that word is.
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
Autumn
begins with the mix of winter's clouds
and summer's sun, eclipsing each other
in a cycle of smiles and shouts. Stray
rays filter through and create silhouettes
that skate across the water, brushing
dyed leaves to the banks. Across the
field a set of wet swings rock back and
forth, pertaining to the ominous breeze.

Great stanza. I love the way you make it sound like the clouds and the sun are playing. The only word I don't like is "pertaining." Unless I'm way off the ball, it doesn't work in the sentence at all to me. Maybe the word "bowing?"

A child's laughter draws brighter pastels
on the scene. Two small girls of a tender
age wander towards the gate, behind them
(with weary steps) follows their father. For
them, it's five more minutes that they can
enjoy; home is now five minutes more away.

Nice first line; it sets the tone very nicely. The girls playing strengthens the idea...the last line is good, I'm just not sure how much like how "enjoy" and "away" play off each other.

Closing in on another eve
the sun skulks off,
hidden in a mist of tears.

another great stanza. Great play with words.





Not that I have read a lot on here, but it is very refreshing to see something other than the metal and punk type lyrics. This is way better than any of that.


Could you crit one of mine in my sig? I'd prefer "untitled" but whichever is fine with me. Thanks!

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.