#1
so this is my first song in a while, i guess i had some writers block or just didnt have the time, but anyways here it is,

an onward push,
takes me to the break,
and life goes on and on,

what if all stopped,
swept away from time,
as the sun burns in our eyes,

its to much to take,
you try an escape,
the fear you feel inside,

and life goes on and on,

when your mind turns thin,
theres no where to begin,
to explain the craziness in my mind,

it feels as though,
my minnd slips away with time,
as the panic seeps through my eyes,

its taken control,
you sit paralyzed and dim
push on, push on, and carry on,

this is what i feel,
when i stop to think if it was all real,
was it just me,
or was it all a dream.

Crit 4 Crit
Last edited by Greg_23 at Oct 10, 2007,
#2
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate. Second of all, I would fix all of the grammar mistakes. (There are a lot). The flow was great. The pace and rhythm were excellent. However, the piece still needs some work. The piece just seems too generic, like it's all been done and said before. I think you should add more description. Perhaps describe an event in detail. Paint a picture in the readers head. Anyways, sorry to sound so harsh. But I hope this helps and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.