#1
I wrote these to a song we wrote in one band practice this Saturday just gone. It's only for the verses (both are six bars long) i will post the chorus when i write something worthy of being called a chorus lol

C4C of course


Untitled

I am corruption
Coursing through your veins
I am the blood
Bubbling up through the drains
I am crawling
'Cos you own my soul
I am dying
Aflame with the cold
I am hate
That manifests inside
I am decay
That eats away your mind


Maybe I am inside you
Torturing, telling you what to do
And as this poison spreads
Tainting every thought in your head
You’ll wish you’d never wanted me dead


And you will get to see what you did to me
Crystal clear it’ll drive you to insanity


I am gold
Decorating the proud
I am heaven
Alive amongst the clouds
I am waiting
For my time to come around
I am here
But I will never be found
I am screaming
It's fear that keeps you from sleep
I am cancer
The kind you will not beat



(instrumental break)



Maybe I am inside you
Torturing, telling you what to do
And as this poison spreads
Tainting every thought in your head
You’ll wish you’d never wanted me dead

(outro lyrics to go here)
Last edited by PXi at Nov 4, 2007,
#2
DAM THAT IS A KICK ASS SONG! I love the feel of aggressiveness in it. keep up the good work.

all my songs are sigged.
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#3
Really good, good flow, good rhyming, all around great job. The only thing is that the rhyming is pretty simple, nothing too fancy. If that's what you want, sweet, but it doesn't sound too professional is that sense.
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#4
Untitled

I am corruption
Coursing through your veins
I am the blood
Bubbling up through the drains
I am crawling
'Cos you own my soul
I am dying
Aflame with the cold
I am hate
That manifests inside
I am decay
That eats away your mind
i really love the feelings you convey in this opening stanza and the alliteration in the first couple lines

I am gold
Decorating the proud
I am heaven
Alive amongst the clouds
I am waiting
For my time to come around
I am here
But I will never be found
I am screaming
It's fear that keeps you from sleep
I am cancer
The kind no-one can treat
I like how this stanza starts out kind of happy then you completely turn it around. and you did it great!

real good man. try to get around to who's twisting your sheets in my sig
#5
I like it; besides the fact that the "evil" lyrics aren't my style, there is good symbolism and the repetitive "I am" works well. The rhyme is tight, but maybe a bit too simple-- it's up to you if you want to mix it up, but it works really well as is. A chorus would definitely work, but so far it looks pretty good.
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#6
Murder inspiration
Redecorate the soul
Argue the creation
Insert your mind control

Fire my inspiration
Ignite my dormant soul
Fuel the insurrection
With the truth I know

I hope this helps. Maybe someday you can help me.

IamOmega
#7
Quote by PXi
I wrote these to a song we wrote in one band practice this Saturday just gone. It's only for the verses (both are six bars long) i will post the chorus when i write something worthy of being called a chorus lol

C4C of course


Untitled

I am corruption
Coursing through your veins
I am the blood
Bubbling up through the drains
I am crawling
'Cos you own my soul
I am dying
Aflame with the cold
I am hate
That manifests inside
I am decay
That eats away your mind
I love it dude, cant find anything wrong

I am gold
Decorating the proud
I am heaven
Alive amongst the clouds
I am waiting
For my time to come around
I am here
But I will never be found
I am screaming
It's fear that keeps you from sleep
I am cancer
The kind no-one can treat
again excellent, cant wait to see the choruses

thats pretty sweet man, im guessing its for a kinda metal growl type lyrics
again i would like to see the final draft, sry it took so long to crit back
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Last edited by Keyphur at Oct 30, 2007,
#8
Thanks for all the crits. I didn't actually write them growly lyrics - I hate that type of 'singing' lol, guess it's good if they're diverse though :p

Here's a possible chorus I came up with now (i'll add it to the first post too) so tell me what you think of that. I'm not completely thrilled with it (especially the word 'insanity' but couldn;t think of a rhyme at the time and the 'spreads, head, dead' rhyme as well which is kinda cliche) but they work for the time being. just need to write lyrics for the outro now

here's a #real rough# recording of what they'll be going over (galloping riff=verse, 'big' chords bit = start of chorus. should be easy enough to see )

http://www.fileden.com/files/4866/new_one_06_10_07.mp3

anyway, with chorus (still C4C of course):

Untitled

I am corruption
Coursing through your veins
I am the blood
Bubbling up through the drains
I am crawling
'Cos you own my soul
I am dying
Aflame with the cold
I am hate
That manifests inside
I am decay
That eats away your mind


Maybe I am inside you
Torturing, telling you what to do
And as this poison spreads
Tainting every thought in your head
You’ll wish you’d never wanted me dead


And you will get to see what you did to me
Crystal clear it’ll drive you to insanity


I am gold
Decorating the proud
I am heaven
Alive amongst the clouds
I am waiting
For my time to come around
I am here
But I will never be found
I am screaming
It's fear that keeps you from sleep
I am cancer
The kind you will not beat



(instrumental break)



Maybe I am inside you
Torturing, telling you what to do
And as this poison spreads
Tainting every thought in your head
You’ll wish you’d never wanted me dead

(outro lyrics to go here)
#9
This sort of writing doesn't really appeal to me... but for what it's worth this was pretty good for the sort of song it is.

V1 is way too cliche and boring and generic though. To me, it just seems like you have grabbed random lines out of metal songs and blended them together to make some half assed attempt at sounding pissed off.

The Chorus is eh... The rhyming is boring, and the entire thing just really does nothing for me... with music i am sure it'd sound better, but whatever.

The little post chorus bit is good, simple and effective.

V3 is awesome though. I love the descriptions and comparisons. Only the last two lines put me off about cancer - change them if possible... they just come off as ignorant.


Overall this could be any metal song - it's a good thing I guess, you've got your niche just as I have mine. Try and build on your imagery and use of rhyme, and don't be afraid to chuck in some really original metaphors - take a risk.

crit mine? waxman and the museum of wicks. link's in my sig.

cheers.
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#10
Thanks for the commments. You couldn;t hear vocals on the recording cas they're aren't any hehe, sorry - shoulda said

And just so you know, I'm not just using cancer to be obtruse or anything - I understand all implications of using it but i'll try and find something to replace it