#1
I hope i made my thread correctly this time.

This is my first song im posting on the UG forum so i hope you all like it. I have the music to go with it, i just havent had a chance to record it with my new acoustic that should be here in a few days.

-Move on-

Thank you for telling me what i need to do,
Now i know I'm capable of pleasing you,
Your the one who inspired me,
To move on and forget about who i used to be,

The time is now, lets move on and forget our past.
This is the time to remember all the great times we had.

You made me realize what life's about,
I can trust you and have no doubt,
All those long nights waiting for that call,
I realized your the one who saved me from a fall,

The time is now, lets move on and forget our past.
This is the time to remember all the great times we had.

The time is now, lets move on and forget our past.
This is the time to remember all the great times we had.
Last edited by AndrewDulina at Oct 9, 2007,
#2
Quote by AndrewDulina
I hope i made my thread correctly this time.

This is my first song im posting on the UG forum so i hope you all like it. I have the music to go with it, i just havent had a chance to record it with my new acoustic that should be here in a few days.

-Move on-

Thank you for telling me, what i need to do,
Now i know I'm capable of pleasing you,
Your the one who inspired me,
To move on and forget about who i used to be,


There are major punctuation issues here and through out. Every time you place a comma, think of it as a soft stop, and a period is a hard stop. I would read it aloud and think about that. Other than that, this stanza is clear. I would add "to move on" to the third line and start that last line with "and"


The time is now, lets move on and forget our past.
This is the time to remember, all the great times we had.



I don't like the comma in the last line, but its okay other than that.


Drinking and running, from what our parents said,
You made me realize what life's about, its nothing to take for granted,
All those long nights waiting for that call,
I realized your the one who saved me from a fall,


I really don't like the first line...it doesn't really convey a single idea, and thats something that I think a line or phrase should accomplish. Specifically, the drinking part doesn't fit. I think it would be okay if you took that part out. The second line has too much in it I think.


The time is now, lets move on and forget our past.
This is the time to remember, all the great times we had.

The time is now, lets move on and forget our past.
This is the time to remember, all the great times we had.



This wasn't bad...but you could do some work to clean things up a bit. Taking a look at the punctuation would help me understand it better if you edited it.


Crit mine?

Untitled in my link.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#3
I did some minor punctuation edits and i changed a line too
"You made me realize what life's about,
I can trust you and have no doubt,"
that sounds a little bit better and it kind of flows with the topic.
Last edited by AndrewDulina at Oct 9, 2007,