#1
I've been working on this for months on and off and i still don't know if i like it. Musically it's a jazzier piece. any help? c4c.

Who's Twisting Your Sheet's?

Look around and you'll clearly see
That your whole life's nothing but a worthless dream
Why's everything you want way more then what you deserve
And Why is everything you said way different from what I've heard
It seems I caught you at an interesting time
When I found you with some other guy
I don't need love cause I don't need lies and
I don't need anymore surprises

So hide it on your chest
While I wear it on my sleeve
Forget what we had
Just get up and leave
Take all your wrongs
Although you'll never make them right
And tell me cause I wanna know
Who's twisting your sheets tonight?

Look again read between the lines
You had your chance but you missed the signs
Cause everything we had we always had to fake it
Cause everything we had was always animated
You can try to pretend nothing ever occured
Cause sorry's really nothing but a 5 letter word
You took your time as if you had it all rehearsed
So now I hope for the best but I expect the worst

So hide it on your chest
While I wear it on my sleeve
Forget what we had
Just get up and leave
Take all your wrongs
Although you'll never make them right
And tell me cause I wanna know
Who's twisting your sheets tonight?
#2
Quote by private
I've been working on this for months on and off and i still don't know if i like it. Musically it's a jazzier piece. any help? c4c.

Who's Twisting Your Sheet's?

Look around and you'll clearly see
That your whole life's nothing but a worthless dream
Why's everything you want way more then what you deserve
And Why is everything you said way different from what I've heard
It seems I caught you at an interesting time
When I found you with some other guy
I don't need love cause I don't need lies and
I don't need anymore surprises
i LOVE this part, except for the last line where it seems a bit 'thrown in there'.

So hide it on your chest
While I wear it on my sleeve
Forget what we had
Just get up and leave
Take all your wrongs
Although you'll never make them right
And tell me cause I wanna know
Who's twisting your sheets tonight?
once again, LOVE all of this except for one line, line four. seems a little forced and throws off the otherwise great flow. maybe try "pack up your things and leave"? it flows a little better in my head

Look again read between the lines
You had your chance but you missed the signs
Cause everything we had we always had to fake it
Cause everything we had was always animated
You can try to pretend nothing ever occured
Cause sorry's really nothing but a 5 letter word
You took your time as if you had it all rehearsed
So now I hope for the best but I expect the worst
my favorite part of this piece. great flow. i love "Cause sorry's ... 5 letter word".

So hide it on your chest
While I wear it on my sleeve
Forget what we had
Just get up and leave
Take all your wrongs
Although you'll never make them right
And tell me cause I wanna know
Who's twisting your sheets tonight?


love this piece. let me know if you ever record this!
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#4
how long till you guys got it all recorded?
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#6
already have, haha. i love the songs on your my space page, good stuff.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
Last edited by DiveRightIn63 at Oct 12, 2007,
#8
Quote by private

You can try to pretend nothing ever occured
Cause sorry's really nothing but a 5 letter word


I love it
c4c


Quote by ckellingc


So I threw a rock at her.

Fuck heelies.
#9
Look around and you'll clearly see
That your whole life's nothing but a worthless dream
Why's everything you want way more then what you deserve
And Why is everything you said way different from what I've heard
It seems I caught you at an interesting time
When I found you with some other guy
I don't need love cause I don't need lies and
I don't need anymore surprises

I really like this first stanza - the half rhymes make it seem more off the cuff but at the same time like it's planned out. I also like the shape of it - how it grows and swells in the middle and then recedes to the last line which sounds like you'r eexhausted with the whole situation. One problem I do have is the word 'surprises'. If there's some way you can change it round so it ends on 'surprise' or even 'surprised' it would just finish it off perfectly.


So hide it on your chest
While I wear it on my sleeve
Forget what we had
Just get up and leave
Take all your wrongs
Although you'll never make them right
And tell me cause I wanna know
Who's twisting your sheets tonight?


No qualms here at all. It is stylish and, once again, brings that off the cuff-ish feel to what is a very strongly structured stanza. I especially like the opposition of the first 2 lines


Look again read between the lines
You had your chance but you missed the signs
Cause everything we had we always had to fake it
Cause everything we had was always animated
You can try to pretend nothing ever occured
Cause sorry's really nothing but a 5 letter word
You took your time as if you had it all rehearsed
So now I hope for the best but I expect the worst


This is probably the weakest stanza of the lot but it's still very strong in comparison to most of the stuff posted :P. Both the 'Cause everything...' lines seem a bit clumsy in terms of syllabic length to me and would suggest a break from the rhythm of the rest of the song on those parts? I like the 'sorry's nothing but a 5 letter word' - a thought I had was that maybe saying 4 letter word would suggest that it was insulting just to hear 'sorry' all the time as well as it being meaningless after it being said so much but it is sort of cliched and therefore completely down to taste


So hide it on your chest
While I wear it on my sleeve
Forget what we had
Just get up and leave
Take all your wrongs
Although you'll never make them right
And tell me cause I wanna know
Who's twisting your sheets tonight?


See Above


Thanks for the crit - I will look out for more of your work after reading this
#10
Really like this! I pretty much agree with PXi, apart from I'd leave it as a 5 letter word, cause I thought it was a really strong line like that and saying a 4 letter word would confuse me!
#11
Quote by private
I've been working on this for months on and off and i still don't know if i like it. Musically it's a jazzier piece. any help? c4c.

Who's Twisting Your Sheet's?

Look around and you'll clearly see
That your whole life's nothing but a worthless dream
Why's everything you want way more then what you deserve
And Why is everything you said way different from what I've heard
It seems I caught you at an interesting time
When I found you with some other guy
I don't need love cause I don't need lies and
I don't need anymore surprises
Flows well, although a few lines are cliche works well together, goodwork.


So hide it on your chest
While I wear it on my sleeve
Forget what we had
Just get up and leave
Take all your wrongs
Although you'll never make them right
And tell me cause I wanna know
Who's twisting your sheets tonight?
Defiantly my favourite part of the piece, flows excellently , creative.

Look again read between the lines
You had your chance but you missed the signs
Cause everything we had we always had to fake it
Cause everything we had was always animated
You can try to pretend nothing ever occured
Cause sorry's really nothing but a 5 letter word
You took your time as if you had it all rehearsed
So now I hope for the best but I expect the worst
I think this verse flows better then the first verse, but again a tiny bit cliche, but works well.


So hide it on your chest
While I wear it on my sleeve
Forget what we had
Just get up and leave
Take all your wrongs
Although you'll never make them right
And tell me cause I wanna know
Who's twisting your sheets tonight?



Really good work - a common topic to write about, but you made it unique in your own way , well done.