#1
oh, i’ve been settled
with lush outlooks
and littered bottle caps.
do cuts sometimes not bleed?
i’m dry, looking over
these tree tops to
a lake, distant.
my tongue tastes like cotton.
balled up in my throat.
coughs of resolution
just keep me choked.

hey, trickled brown eyes
you’ve got blues in yr hair.
and i’m tracing them to yr hem.
i’ve been dreaming of the casual;
like bar stools and dirty sheets,
meeting little sisters,
lunch and inside jokes.

but my heart is smeared
from coast to coast.
casual just means commitment
and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.


crit 4 crit
#7
One of my favorite things for songs to do is to mix literal images describing a situation with figurative images describing a character's resulting state of mind. You do this really well.

There are some really good lines in here. Some of my favorites are:
"with lush outlooks/ and littered bottle caps"
"hey, trickled brown eyes/ you've got blues in yr hair"
"I've been dreaming of the casual/ like bar stools and dirty sheets"

I, too, wonder at the use of "yr" instead of "your". Is there a significance to this?

What's the music like?

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Death to Ovation haters!
#8
"do cuts sometimes not bleed?"
I like what you're trying to say, I just thought this line was horribly weak.

As far as what #1 synth said, I don't see how any other verb could work..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
Quote by pixiesfanyo
oh, i’ve been settled
with lush outlooks
and littered bottle caps.
do cuts sometimes not bleed?
i’m dry, looking over
these tree tops to
a lake, distant.
my tongue tastes like cotton.
balled up in my throat.
coughs of resolution
just keep me choked.



I loved all of this apart from the third line. The rest of the piece has an almost arrogant air which is almost split by this one line that comes across as a little...desperate. It could just be my perception, it does flow well.


hey, trickled brown eyes
you’ve got blues in yr hair.
and i’m tracing them to yr hem.
i’ve been dreaming of the casual;
like bar stools and dirty sheets,
meeting little sisters,
lunch and inside jokes.


I loved this, I'm basically pleased by anything that exercises the sordidness of human behaviour. It flows well and good choice of imagery.


but my heart is smeared
from coast to coast.
casual just means commitment
and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.


This is a good ending, a little simplistic and maybe (though i hate the overuse of the word) cliche. Its very conclusive though.

All in all this is a good, strong piece of writing. My only problems were with the third line, I couldnt figure out if the use of yr was just a slip up or intentional so I'm not going to comment on that,

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=690278
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