#1
Hey guys,
Newish song wrote about 2 days ago while i was locked out of my house .
Crit for Crit.
Thanks.

(Verse 1)
Without all the blue, the sky is so red
Watch the sun set
Sinking right down, a flame burns to death
Can't get to bed
Mixing around it's a twist with no sound
Losing my ground
My heart won't stop beating, I'm breathing aloud
Losing my mind
On this night, in this dream, the picture seems so real
Where are you, why can't I just reach out to you

(Chorus)
Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Verse 2)
Without all the blue, his smile's so bright
And he laughs out loud
Sometimes you're searching for what's perfect
And end up with the best
On this night, in this dream, the picture seems so real
Where are you, why can't I just reach out to you

Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Bridge)
Ooh ooh aah...

On this night, it's so real, I can see, I can feel
Hold me tightly as we're melting into one

(Chorus)
Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Verse 3)
Though the night sky, studded with its stars
is dark it makes a form of art
And makes a shadow of the truth
We're dancing on the edge of earth
We're dancing on the edge of earth
#2
not really into this kinda of music, emo? but the flow was good and you used some awesome imagery which is good, so its a not half bad.
#3
Quote by symphathy
Hey guys,
Newish song wrote about 2 days ago while i was locked out of my house .
Crit for Crit.
Thanks.

(Verse 1)
Without all the blue, the sky is so red Nice start, I like this line
Watch the sun set
Sinking right down, a flame burns to death
Can't get to bed Sounds a little odd, since I've heard variations on "can't get to sleep" so many times, could possibly change this line
Mixing around it's a twist with no sound Not sure what this means, but its kinda cool
Losing my ground
My heart won't stop beating, I'm breathing aloud
Losing my mind
On this night, in this dream, the picture seems so real
Where are you, why can't I just reach out to you

(Chorus)
Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words This line doesn't seem right to me. Maybe "softly whisper" or "soft, pretty"?
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Verse 2)
Without all the blue, his smile's so bright
And he laughs out loud
Sometimes you're searching for what's perfect
And end up with the best
On this night, in this dream, the picture seems so real
Where are you, why can't I just reach out to you

This is fine

Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Bridge)
Ooh ooh aah... lol

On this night, it's so real, I can see, I can feel Slightly cliche line and rhyming
Hold me tightly as we're melting into one

(Chorus)
Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Verse 3)
Though the night sky, studded with its stars
is dark it makes a form of art
And makes a shadow of the truth
We're dancing on the edge of earth
We're dancing on the edge of earth
I don't like the this as much as the other verses....it's not that bad though


Overall I did like it, especially the images it made, as you can probably tell since I didn't crit a huge amount. I would definatly change that line in the chorus though since you have repeat it.
Last edited by 7 or Open at Oct 10, 2007,
#4
Quote by symphathy
Hey guys,
Newish song wrote about 2 days ago while i was locked out of my house .
Crit for Crit.
Thanks.

(Verse 1)
Without all the blue, the sky is so redlove this. it's completely true lol
Watch the sun set
Sinking right down, a flame burns to death
Can't get to bed
Mixing around it's a twist with no sound
Losing my ground
My heart won't stop beating, I'm breathing aloud
Losing my mind
On this night, in this dream, the picture seems so real
Where are you, why can't I just reach out to you
I love the first few lines and i really like the last 2 also

(Chorus)
Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth
good chorus

(Verse 2)
Without all the blue, his smile's so bright
And he laughs out loud
Sometimes you're searching for what's perfect
And end up with the best
On this night, in this dream, the picture seems so real
Where are you, why can't I just reach out to you
wow i really like this stanza

Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Bridge)
Ooh ooh aah...

On this night, it's so real, I can see, I can feel
Hold me tightly as we're melting into one
idk here i just don't like melting into one. i just think it sounds awkward

(Chorus)
Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Verse 3)
Though the night sky, studded with its stars
is dark it makes a form of art
And makes a shadow of the truth
We're dancing on the edge of earth
We're dancing on the edge of earth good verse



good stuff. I'd love to read more of your work. keep posting. get around to who's twisting your sheets in my sig if you can
Last edited by private at Oct 10, 2007,
#5
Quote by symphathy
Hey guys,
Newish song wrote about 2 days ago while i was locked out of my house .
Crit for Crit.
Thanks.

(Verse 1)
Without all the blue, the sky is so red
Watch the sun set
Sinking right down, a flame burns to death
Can't get to bed
Mixing around it's a twist with no sound
Losing my ground
My heart won't stop beating, I'm breathing aloud
Losing my mind
On this night, in this dream, the picture seems so real
Where are you, why can't I just reach out to you

I love the imagery in this, especially the lead-off. and "a flame burns to death" is a class line. This is great so far

(Chorus)
Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

No problems here either, quite an epic take on things.

(Verse 2)
Without all the blue, his smile's so bright
And he laughs out loud
Sometimes you're searching for what's perfect
And end up with the best
On this night, in this dream, the picture seems so real
Where are you, why can't I just reach out to you

Your use of repetition seems to bookend the rest of the stanza..I really like the ffect that creates.

Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Bridge)
Ooh ooh aah...

On this night, it's so real, I can see, I can feel
Hold me tightly as we're melting into one

Not sure how this fits in with the rest, but standing alone it's rather powerful.

(Chorus)
Be here with me, tell me what hurts
And whisper softly pretty words
Cause when I fall I find you first
We're dancing on the edge of earth

(Verse 3)
Though the night sky, studded with its stars
is dark it makes a form of art
And makes a shadow of the truth
We're dancing on the edge of earth
We're dancing on the edge of earth

And a good end to cap it all off. Nicely done sir

This was quite interesting. The only flow I could find made the words seem quite powerful in their coherence, and your meaning is quite lucid without being overbearing. You've taken a ****ty thing that has happened to you and made quite the work of art out of it. Nicely done.
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#6
Thanks for the crits guys,
Really appreciate the comments,
Yeah ill have a look over it and really take your ideas into consideration.
Thanks