#1
First post!

I've written some songs before, but this one's about someone else rather than nonsense about myself, matters more to me if it's good so I thought I'd get some feedback. Be as harsh as you like.

Will C4C

Defense of the Mind

Verse 1

He chases dreams, he can shape the world
You could live in the book he keeps now at his side
Gone are the lies that froze him inside, watch him challenge God

They say the pen is mightier than the sword
So take this blade and put your demons down

Chorus

He sleeps alone with the voice in his head
Though he tries to hide from it, he can't silence it
Makes him believe he gets carried away
He's always waiting for this, always waiting for you

Verse 2

Fire follows him, his face burns
Talons rip through him, so he looks to them but his friends all turn away
And age yields none wiser

Dreams of the open but kept in a cage
He doesn't know how to play their games
No-one tells him why it's so hard

Chorus/Outro

He sleeps alone with the voice in his head
Though he tries to hide from it, he can't silence it
Makes him believe he gets carried away
He's always waiting for this to get to you

Always waiting for this, always waiting for you
Always waiting for this to get to you
Always waiting for this, always waiting for you
Last edited by 7 or Open at Oct 11, 2007,
#3
Defense of the Mind

Verse 1

He chases dreams, he can shape the world
He can take you somewhere no-one else can go
Gone are the lies that froze him inside, watch him challenge God

They say the pen is mightier than the sword
So take this blade and put your demons down

its alright, nothing really stands out as good, which is not bad either.

Chorus

He sleeps alone with the voice in his head
Though he tries to hide from it, he can't silence it
Makes him believe he gets carried away
He's always waiting for this, always waiting for you

pretty good, i like it more then the first verse, some nice flow in here, not bad man,

Verse 2

Fire follows him, his face burns
Talons rip through him, so he looks to them but his friends all turn away
And age yields none wiser

Dreams of the open but kept in a cage
He doesn't know how to play their games
No-one tells him why it's so hard

again its ok...., its not the best song, needs some work to make it a bit more interesting, it seems kinda boring, like there is no story behind it,

Chorus/Outro

He sleeps alone with the voice in his head
Though he tries to hide from it, he can't silence it
Makes him believe he gets carried away
He's always waiting for this to get to you

Always waiting for this, always waiting for you
Always waiting for this to get to you
Always waiting for this, always waiting for you

dont really like the "Always waiting for this, always waiting for you
Always waiting for this to get to you" this doesnt sound to good man, i would change it,

overall this song was not a total failure, work on it and improve on the flow and maybe make it a bit more interesting you know, but that just my thoughts, crit mine when the future's gone
#4
M.B.MetalTabber - Judging from your name I don't think you'll like it but I put a crappy software generated version of it on my profile. Can't really record it or anything cause I'm away from home, but that's what I used to write it so it gives you a feel for the song. The xylophone and acoustic guitar sound is meant to represent the vocal line, though it's proberly a bit hard to follow.

Greg_23 - Looking back at it, it does seem a bit vague like you said. I changed a line in the first part that I thought didn't really say much and I might change the ending too. I was trying to be a bit less direct in this song, although maybe that didn't work out so well - it's about a guy who writes/draws to vent his feelings, kinda like I imagine some people on here do with lyrics/poems. There's other stuff in there too but that's the general gist of it.
#5
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like the song is about someone is trapped by his own fear. At least that's what I get from it.

Assuming that I am on the right track, I'll say that I like the song on the whole; it's very continuous, sticking to its point and not getting off track.

I'm particulary fond of the second half of verse 2. "Age yields none wiser" is quite an insight.

Lines about voices in one's head and being kept in a cage come out a a little cliche, but they don't hurt the song much on the whole.

What's the music like?
Death to Ovation haters!
#6
You're pretty much right, he does have fears, specifically a lot of self-doubt.
There's some naff music on my profile for it, if you don't want to actually have to listen to it it's pretty light, main instrument's piano.
Thanks for the crit!