#1
Alright, this is pretty unfinished and may or may not need a different ending. Any criticism is welcome, and leave a link if you have something you want me to look at. In case it's not clear, the structure is basically intro/dedication, stanza, conclusion. I'd consider making any given part longer or shorter, but I want to keep the basic structure.


for all our atheistic melodies
who don't believe in anything
but love and drugs and angels
clothed in paper bags and radiant Converse.

They pluck the strings on their guitars,
only god (or no god) knows how far
they've gone, and come right back again,
a little worse for wear but with lightning in their eyes
and more stories than i dare
to ever tell.
The mystics and the uncontrolled
laughter of the holy ghosts
who flit between the light and dark,
and never stop for long enough to die;

for the poets and the saints of anger,
holy righteous creative fire,
i dedicate these words
and consummate their ashes
to the open seas and city streets.
#2
Yeah, it seems to stop short, leaving the listener/reader unsatisfied. I don't think you were going for that, so put something else in. The flow of it suprisingly works well. Some lines are too long, and should be shortened with better vocab words or simply by making it two lines. Try to make each line have around an equal amount of syllables, unless you're going for the opposite of that. I like it though, it's deep.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#3
I thought it was an interesting read as it is. According to my interpretation, nothing substantial needs to be added.

The line "a little worse for the wear but with lightning in their eyes" seemed a bit long, and "and more stories than i dare to ever tell" implies a subtext that significantly alters my interpretation. If this is intentional, kudos to you for subtlety.
Originally posted by Capua47:

Oh well if your from austrailia then grades shudn't matter considering your just gonna grow up to be ol' stevie erwin eh?!


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Schecter Omen-6
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Jimi Hendrix Wah
#4
Thanks for the crits.

I'd like to know what your interpretation was. The way I intended it was as a sort of dedication to all the truly mad people I've met, in the Jack Kerouac sense of the word. I wanted to make it almost religious or mythological in tone, but with an awareness of the self consciousness and conceit of the indie and alternative scene (hence the title and line about converse sneakers.) I guess that line is longer than the others, but as a whole I think that section flows quite well so I'll probably leave it as it is.

Any more crits?
#5
Length-wise, I think this is pretty spot-on. I couldn't really imagine any individual section being much different, size-wise, than it is.

As has been said before, it's the flow of the words that make this piece extra special; the words that melt into one another, and the metaphors that define realities that couldn't be expressed any other way.

My favourite part is:
only god (or no god) knows how far
they've gone, and come right back again,
a little worse for wear but with lightning in their eyes
and more stories than i dare
to ever tell

- This is because of the true essence of these people, how they have gone through everything they have, and returned a little older, a little wiser, but with the same "lightning in their eyes"; a true love of life and living. At least, that's what it says to me.

A mini-epic, and a fitting tribute to the mad people of the world. Inspiring work.

#6
I like the subject matter and vocabulary of this peice more than anything I've read in the Lyrics board so far


good job oblique
#7
It read very...how can I put this, "Ye Old Thoust In Danger, Leopold, Ye Shall Seek The Cave of Mordor!"

I didn't like it, there was little emotion to it, and it has cold and distant in terms of writing. I'd just say move on to something else, it seems coherant and complete, just personal preference stopped me from liking it. I prefer things to be more natural and more personal and this seems more directed at a grander idea.

It's well written though, and that counts for something. Just not my personal cup of tea.
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#8
Haha I get that... I was wondering towards the end if I went overboard with the mythological language, it does get a bit grandiose during the last stanza. I dunno, it definitely felt personal when I was writing it. Thanks for the crit.