#1
sup guys this is my first song I have written. Please give me opinions on what I can fix and stuff like that. Thanks

Verse
As the sun is setting
And I'm lookin in your eyes
All I see is my reflection
And you paying no attention, to me

Chorus
She was my armor
She was my soul
I just can't get rid of
These memories

Verse
I'm losing my mind
Which I can't seem to find
While your so pure
I can't find a cure

Chorus
She was my armor
She was my soul
I just can't get rid of
These memories


Verse
Your loosening your grip
At the finger tips
While I'm trying to hold on tight
When I think of you at night

Chorus
She was my armor
She was my soul
I just can't get rid of
These memories

Verse
I don't wanna let go
And I'm trying to show
That you mean everything to me
And that you are my key

Chorus
She was my armor
She was my soul
I just can't get rid of
These memories
#2
I'll have a go

Verse
As the sun is setting
And I'm lookin into your eyes
All I see is my reflection
And you paying no attention, to me
3rd and 4th lines =/ You could refer to the reflection rather than the girl. "And it's paying no attention to me" Don't need the comma. Love the first 2 lines.

Chorus
She was my armor
She was my soul
I just can't get rid of
These memories
Again 3rd and 4th lines don't flow. I likethe idea of your girl being your armour, but i'm just not feeling the 3rd and 4th lines. Try making the verse a 6 line chorus maybe and incorparate the memories bit into it again.

Verse
I'm losing my mind
Which I can't seem to find
While your so pure
I can't find a cure
I'm not a fan of this verse if i'm honest. I know it doesn't always have to follow the same rhyme scheme as the previous verse, but the previous one had no rhyme scheme whatsoever and this one does. It just confuses me. Its one or the other for me.

Verse
Your loosening your grip
At the finger tips
While I'm trying to hold on tight
When I think of you at night
At least this verse has the same rhyme scheme as before. It doesn't fill me with passion but its ok.

Verse
I don't wanna let go
And I'm trying to show
That you mean everything to me
And that you are my key
Now this verse, i like a lot more. "You are my key" is a great line, well done. Favorite verse. and favorite part.

It wasn't the best to be fair, but it definetly has potential. I'm sure the more experienced "crit'ers" will be able to give you more insight.



Stefan.