#1
Well this is the first thing i've ever written. Its about my friend who told me she was suicidal and when i tried to get her help she just stabbed me in the back and made me look like a complete retard. The harder i tried to help the more she resisted.

I know it sucks and i honestly don't care what you guys say, thats the point of this forum right?

So any feed back would be helpful. Maybe ways to make it less choppy or ways to get my points accross in a clearer way. Anyways here it is:

Jessie


The sickness was already eating you away
when you told me you weren't here to stay
A dark fantasy world is what contained your thoughts
It consumed you and your mind began to rot

you came for comfort, you came for advice
but i followed your munipilation and fell for your lies
Now theres a new side of things i've come to see
and you wont be seeing any more of me


Chorus:

Its time for you to grow up
Its time for you to handle your own problems
and hopefully one day you'll be alright
but now i have to move on with my life


You've painted me as the enemy
but i don't understand it because its easy to see
that i was the only one really who cared
as i watched you drip into insanity


And now its over, the transitions complete
Although you still put on the Mask, its just a sign of defeat
Your disgues, it fools no one at all
but you cannot be helped because your pride is too tall


Chorus:


Its time for you to grow up
Its time for you to handle your own problems
and hopefully one day you'll be alright
but now i have to move on with my life
because there is nothing more i can do
and i'm giving no more tears to you
Quote by iantheman
I went to school stoned twice. the first time was a lot of fun, but the second time we had a guest speaker from the women's resource center come in, and talk about rape. I couldn't contain my laughter. Never again.
#2
First off, don't say it sucks, because it doesn't. If it did, you wouldn't have posted it, and I wouldn't be taking the time to point this out.

It's a great set of words at the moment, but it seems to lack flow in a number of areas. Read it out loud to yourself, as you would a poem, and make a note of where there are too many syllables, or perhaps some awkward rhymes (eg. thoughts/rot; advice/lies).

But on the flipside, you needn't worry about getting your points across clearly; there's very little there to confuse the reader/listener about what you're saying. Maybe even too clear; there's room for more metaphoric language, to add artistic value. I do like the line "Although you still put on the Mask, its just a sign of defeat", and that's the sort of thing you might want to add elsewhere in your song; using images, such as the mask, to convey realities such as the subject's facade towards the world.

One more thing: munipilation should be spelt manipulation, and pronounced as such .

Great set of ideas, and a great way to tell your story. Just work on the technical bits n' pieces
#3
You should try and change the rhyming scheme in the verses. Instead, of rhyming every 2 lines try some other schemes like 1+3 and 2+4, or anything or none at all (depending on how well it goes with the music).

I don't really like the chorus, it just doesn't seem good. Sorry that's not much help.

This kinda sounds like I didn't like it at all, but I didn't think it was that bad, the verses would be okay if they rhymed differently on occasion. If it's the first thing you've ever written then it's better than my first, so well done for that.
#4
Don't like the chorus, seems too cliche really. I understand what you are saying though. Just maybe try some metaphors or imagery and hide some of the things that may be a blatant line with a different idea.
Matt M vocals/rhythm guitar
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