#1
there's a man in the shade.
at the edge of the wood.
his gaze is like fire.
he'd burn it down if he could.

he had a woman back home
they'd lie on the sand
a shack of green and blue
no palace more grand

that woman left him there
one night a while back
the shack was hit flame
fuel, a heart with a crack

that man had never felt
any feel more real
than a cracked heart
no bandage could heal.

he walks like a ghost
his feet leave no tracks
the devil came to vist
and decided to unpack

now he can't find no peice of mind
no cure for his disease
the devil got a a grip on him
and the devil got no-one to please
#2
Kinda bluesy. I like it. I like the combination of specific images to describe the events leading up to the song, and then metaphoric images to describe the man's current state of mind. It gets the listener into the character's head.

What's the music like?

(If interested in C4C, there's a link in my sig)
Death to Ovation haters!
#3
I like it. Spelling error: change "peice" to "piece." And in line 3 of the last stanza, you added an extra "a." The fifth stanza is pretty cliche, try to make the rhymes/vocab better. Other than that, good job.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#4
Quote by PatchworkMan
Kinda bluesy. I like it. I like the combination of specific images to describe the events leading up to the song, and then metaphoric images to describe the man's current state of mind. It gets the listener into the character's head.

What's the music like?

(If interested in C4C, there's a link in my sig)


the music has unintentionally become very "something in the way" and nirvana-esque.


did i crit you back? i can't remember. thanks for the crits guys