#1


Look out!
That flamingo in the corner
plays guitar much better than
the flamenco sitting on the stool.

The pink-feather-joy-layered animal
always enjoyed playing the guitar, though
has never had an audience, except for the
flamenco, who always sits on his wonky-stool
pretending not to stare at the flamingo's ability.
He will secretly observe the bird while drinking
four glasses of mouldy pisco sours, by the hour…
Only to find a way to emulate that magical sound
coming constantly from the bird.
Back onto the topic now:

The flamingo also smokes
Benson and Hedges on the
week-ends. Only then, so
all the squatty little twats
can enjoy throwing peanuts
at him while receiving severe
lung damage.

Trust me,
that flamenco
has never seen
such eye for an eye
#2
The ending was not that gr8 for me . Structure was really awkward.

though
has never had an audience, except for the


This bit can be replaced with something better.

The change of tone didn't really worked for me . Some of the things were really rushed and were put just to show off . Don't take it in a wrong way just sharing my opinion .


Like the "whole benson and hedges"

Overall its ok.
Hi
#3
You're an interesting man. I don't know what this is meant to symbolize (if anything?) but it is, for sure, interesting. The beginning was great. In the second stanza, the first sentence is a little too long. The "back onto the topic now" kinda spoiled it for me, I'm liking everything apart from that one line. It's not exactly poetic, & just seems so out of place. But well done, enjoyable piece.
#4
I don't get it. However, I thought it was quite an interesting read. It's.. well, let's call it 'refreshing', because it's different from what you usually read on these forums. I thought the vocabulary was amazing, the flow was good, but yeah, the only thing that bothers me a bit is that I can't get anything out of it. It's just so weird..

I'm sorry for the **** crit. I'll read it again tomorrow and I might come back to it. K?

J.
#5
Wait a second. I have seen this before.

?

What the...

You posted this ages ago, I swear.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#7
I like some of the images it gave me and I can certainly tell it has a lot of symbolism, but I will have to disect it further if I am going to be able to get very much meaning from it. Good stuff and I can see why you are so well liked around here.
#8
I get a hugely strong feeling I've read this before as well.

Pretty good nonetheless.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
i agree, i dig this, it definitely holds my attention and makes me want to read on
the back to topic line was a bit unpoetic, if maybe slightly necessary.
the only thing i dislike is that i cant derive any meaning from it, if this is indeed an allegory, would you mind shedding light on it?
if it isnt an extended metaphor however, then....well...would you mind shedding some light anyway? hah
#11
"Only to find a way to emulate that magical sound
coming constantly from the bird."

that could of been put alot better, surely? It just didn't really flow as well as the rest of the writing...

"Back onto the topic now:"

I really dislike that, but it's just personal preferance I suppose. It took alot away for me.. kind of cut off the imagery that I was getting.

I did like it generally though, the benson and hedges bit made me smile

if you crit myn i'll give you something very precious..