#1
Edit: I get this is long and its a lot to give a full crit to. I just want to hear what people think overall, i guess more thematically than anything. Full crits would be amazing though crit 4 crit

Smart enough to trick myself to hating myself and the hand I've been dealt.
Smart enough to play my hand but my attention span falls short like my seratonin,
'Cause sometimes the lines just don't
-Connect
,And sometimes you'll get on my nerves but the feelings don't get past my neck,
I could be the next generation, pimped out small skills for playground procreation, but instead I'm in the attic that's feelin' like a basement.
I could see the sky if I wanted.
But I'm looking at the cement.
Now I know I'm better, and I know misery will change, but I guess I'm just not
Smart enough to weather the rain.
I'm happy with this drought but when my happiness runs out,
It's back to the same cycle,
The same road trip,
I simply suspends the spinning,
Everytime my reason slips.
Evertime I close my eyes,
My brain gets jipped.
Because I deserve more than I give myself, more than this sullen ****.

Organization's a long word, and length can make things mighty messy,
I'll kill it the first verse, but by the chorus Fear, he's testin' me.
My old enemy, he
Interuppts the jam,
He knows where I am,
So I break this routine of fakery and openly sing.

I say this, I pray this, and I know somehow I'll get by,
I know the beauty in the humble and the cracks in the wall,
'Cause its the life that inspired the writing, not the sermons written on the stalls,
Its what you apply from the message, not what you think you withdraw.

So I,
Bounce, past you, kickin' my old brother's shoes,
A throwback jersey,
I adamantly appreciate, but never come to choose.
Dr. J said everyday, your thoughts continue their way, they must if progress is to be made,
So I tell you now,
You're beautiful.
And I wish I could have told you this before right now,
but Jealousy's a really big bitch, a chip on his shoulder, the heart of a snitch.
I know him quite well but now I'm cutting the ties,

I've spilled my guts to you,
So I've got some cleaning up to do.
Last edited by BigBassFishing at Oct 12, 2007,
#2
Smart enough to trick myself to hating myself and the hand I've been dealt.
Smart enough to play my hand but my attention span falls short like my seratonin,
'Cause sometimes the lines just don't
-Connect

Interesting line break for L3-L4, I like how it ties in with the context of the poem. [obviously that was the idea though] L2 doesn't really do much for me though, at least the first part of it - I can't quite place why though.

And sometimes you'll get on my nerves but the feelings don't get past my neck,

I love this line, but the flow from this idea into the next really doesn't happen well, you stay on this part for a mere line, then jump onto how you could be famous or whatever.

I could be the next generation, pimped out small skills for playground procreation, but instead I'm in the attic that's feelin' like a basement.
I could see the sky if I wanted.
But I'm looking at the cement.

This entire part is perfect. No complaints.


Now I know I'm better, and I know misery will change, but I guess I'm just not
Smart enough to weather the rain.

Eh. I despise the use of misery. That's just me though. A) Because it reminds me of the girl I used to like and B) it's used in that horrid GC song.

I'm happy with this drought but when my happiness runs out,
It's back to the same cycle,
The same road trip,
I simply suspends the spinning, suspend? plural?
Everytime my reason slips.
Evertime I close my eyes,
My brain gets jipped.
Because I deserve more than I give myself, more than this sullen ****.

This part doesn't do much for me, it seems a lot less deep, and the swearing seems out of place IMO. it is way more cliche than the rest of it, and the word choice seems less thought out.

Organization's a long word, and length can make things mighty messy,
I'll kill it the first verse, but by the chorus Fear, he's testin' me.
My old enemy, he
Interuppts the jam,
He knows where I am,
So I break this routine of fakery and openly sing.

I really don't get this at all. The flow is all over the place. And i don't particularly like the rhyming.

I say this, I pray this, and I know somehow I'll get by,
I know the beauty in the humble and the cracks in the wall,
'Cause its the life that inspired the writing, not the sermons written on the stalls,
Its what you apply from the message, not what you think you withdraw.

This is a lot better. The rhyming is top notch. I don't quite get the 'beauty in the humble' part, unless the 'humble' is a noun, instead of an adjective which i expected it to be at first.

So I,
Bounce, past you, kickin' my old brother's shoes,
A throwback jersey,
I adamantly appreciate, but never come to choose.
Dr. J said everyday, your thoughts continue their way, they must if progress is to be made,
So I tell you now,
You're beautiful.
And I wish I could have told you this before right now,
but Jealousy's a really big bitch, a chip on his shoulder, the heart of a snitch.
I know him quite well but now I'm cutting the ties,

This is good. The flow in the first few lines is awkward though... why so many commas? Also, I would take out the 'really big' part in the bitch line. And the last line I'd change to 'I knew him well' in place of what you already have.

I've spilled my guts to you,
So I've got some cleaning up to do.

LOVE these last two lines. So powerful, so emotive and bitter. Really great ending.


Great piece. Crit mine? either of the last two in my sig. Thanks
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#3
Wow.
Of everything I've read on this forum (which, admittedly, isn't alot) this is the best.
It's such a breathtaking mix of pretty, but clever, really poetic and deep lines, (eg, the verse after 'connect'-amazing, original figurative language there, i thin it's great) and at the same time a really personal, kind of simple vulnerable feel to it. The snaps of bitterness '...more than this sullen ****' are cool too. I love the way the structure breaks alot, (and maybe that's what you meant by '...the lines just don't -connect') or even seems to not really exist. I dunno if that's symbolic of anything, or if it's meant to tie in with the line about 'organization' -I'm probably just over analysing.Sorry

I also love how you seem to write about writing the song, again, in the connect bit, but mostly here:

'Organization's a long word, and length can make things mighty messy,
I'll kill it the first verse, but by the chorus Fear, he's testin' me.
My old enemy, he
Interuppts the jam,
He knows where I am,
So I break this routine of fakery and openly sing.'

I could really over-analyse this bit too, but I think I'm starting to treat this like it's an English test XD

The last verse begins to sound like a love song (by no means the cheezy kind though) and those last two lines are a legendary conclusion-it's like it slams you back down to earth (or further)and from reading it, it does actually sound as though you've sat and really wrote what's inside you, not woolly crap.
That's another thing I admire-how you've refrained from overusing generic words like 'blood,soul,heart,love you,etc'-and if you have they've been meaningful. I don't know if you've done the music yet or not, but I think these words have alot of potential for a mint song.
Err...I should probably say something bad too, to even this out...Oh yeah there's like two typos or something. Tut Tut

Seriously. I want to write an essay on this XD Well done.
#4
Oh yeah, and if you want to laugh at mine when I get them on here, it's dragonstriker14 not dragonstriker.
#5
Word, thanks for the crit Snowblind. Helpful... I'll read yours soon.
Dragon:Wow, that's crazy, I'm so glad you like it so much. I'll check your stuff out definitely, this song is really more of a rap, so thats why the flow probably doesn't make a lot of sense in writing.
#6
This doesn't need a whole lot of cleaning up, it's pretty strong. But my advice would be to explore different ways of saying the same things. Saying this, your way of getting your ideas across was effective, but you do use too much of "I" and suchlike. The final two lines weren't enough to make a big impact, for me. But that could totally change with the music.

When I read this I kept in mind it was a rap, not poetry or whatever else, and I was thinkin it would be interesting to hear with music. So if you record or have recorded it, let me know? Sorry if you were hoping for a step-by-step crit but I'm generally crap at those, but I can edit this post if you want me to. Thanks for the thoughts on mine.