#1
Scorn

You press against concrete flesh, while I sleep,
Throw a rope, pull me out, and murder me,
In bleeding skies, your warm air, helps to breathe,
In bleeding skies, become the eyes, and help me see,

Pardon, Love I love,
Feeling colour and carefree,
Pardon, Love I love,
Drinking drunken and ugly,
Living in similarity,
Pardon, Love I love,
Memories of reality,

You press against an open chest, while I sleep,
Throw a rope, pull me out, and murder me,
Let me inside, your warm air, helps to breathe,
Let me inside, become the eyes, and help me see,

Pardon, Love I love,
Feeling colour and carefree,
Pardon, Love I love,
Drinking drunken and ugly,
Living in similarity,
Pardon, Love I love,
Memories of reality,
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#2
... i cant really put my finger on it :\ it looks good tho
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#3
i like it alot. i like the flow, (it flows to me at least) Only problem i have with it is that your song is just a little to short but it depends how you sing it i guess i sang it wicked fast lol nice though.
#4
Quote by Andzee
Scorn

You press against concrete flesh, while I sleep,
Throw a rope, pull me out, and murder me,

Fantastic. Nothing bad to say.


In bleeding skies, your warm air, helps to breathe,
In bleeding skies, become the eyes, and help me see,

I would like to see the 'me' repeated here... because I think it ties these two lines more closely, which you've already started by repeating the first part. So in the first line, I'd recommend, 'helps ME to breathe.' I think this also makes it flow more smoothly, though it isn't bad your way either.


Pardon, Love I love,
Feeling colour and carefree,

Nothing to do with the piece... but I love that you used a 'u' in Colour... I don't know where you are from, but in America we drop the 'u', and I miss it dearly.
Pardon, Love I love,
Drinking drunken and ugly,
Living in similarity,
Pardon, Love I love,
Memories of reality.


Very solid ending.




Overall Impression: Very good, Very original. Main problem is that its so short, and your variations from the first round to the second round are so minimal that I don't feel that they change the meaning or anything... you may as well just repeat it... so maybe add something, or make the second time around much more different, so that it feels like a more complete piece.

Thanks for checking mine out.

Peace and coconuts,

-ZC