#1
ok, first time i have ever posted my lyrics on UG. I have no idea if this song is good or not, because it is completly different than any thing else i wrote. Its pretty much inspired by old school chili peppers, and has major funk vibe until the end.

Bar Room Speaker

Verse 1:
Knees buckle, stand up straight / wait a minute, fashionably late
Everyone sees me in black and white/ turn on an amplifier to cast a gray light
Feel the feedback screamin’/ Power chord turns into a demon
Plug it it/Turn the muthaf***** up to ten!!!

Chorus:

Communication, blarin' through a bar room speaker
See me singing & wonder if it makes her will a little weaker
Express yourself using six strings
Turn it up to ease my sufferings
With power in the palm of my hand
I gotta sing my song and take a stand

Verse 2: Funky/ slowish

Flash a smile as I mask myself in the music/ Try to tell a story with a guitar pick
Found myself a new found power/ Please God don’t let me cower
See the faces of the people/ Adrenaline is unbelivbull
Confidence glows off my face/ Temporairly won my own race

Chorus:

Communication, blarin' through a bar room speaker
See me singing & wonder if it makes her will a little weaker
Express yourself using six strings
Turn it up to ease my sufferings
With power in the palm of my hand
I gotta sing my song and take a stand

Verse Three: slower/ reflective

Climbing down off the stage/ I go back inside my cage
Hide my feelings tell nobody/ These lyrics I will study
Try to find a cure for my disease/ It only me I need to please

Its only me I want to please/ This song is for my peace
END


please be nice but honest
"Tuning... who the f*** needs tuning?!"
#2
I like this a lot, there's some really great ideas in here. And the self-awareness of the song itself; singing it would be narrating your own performance. Very smart .

Rhymes are a bit of an issue; some of them are great, some aren't. I very much like "screamin'/demon" and "speaker/weaker", but there are some that I very much do not like, such as "strings/sufferings" and "please/peace".

Flow is similarly up and down. Change the word "fashionably" ASAP, as it ruins your flow early on. You have a lot of unnecessary or long words that also ruin your rhythm. For example, at the end of verse 2, "temporarily" is a pretty chunky word, and you don't really need the word "own". Read through it out loud, and check for things like that. Syllables are also important, so check where your lines are running for too long, or stop short. The second line of the chorus especially seem too long.

As is usually the case, the song's content is great, but technique-wise, it falls down. Keep at it, though, it's a good song!

C4C, mon ami?
Last edited by Nuttfish at Oct 14, 2007,