#1
I cannot word
Whats going on, so deep inside me.
I don't want to
Reveal my darkest secret
Cause if I do
I fear, that
It will come to life.

I cannot see
What's making, me feel this.
I havent ever really,
thought about it till now.
I've got my reasons,
I can't say;
I've tried, but it's too hard

My inner voice
seeks help, but thats no option.
It's too hard to break it out,
the words just drown away.
It's not what I want,
but theres no other way to stop it.
I've got to end it.


more will be written, but please crit what i've done so far, ill crit back ofcourse. it is a screamo type song, some lines will be sung and some will be screamed to show emotion. i was thinking something along the lines of 'my darkest secret' as the title, but it sounds, i dont know, not powerful enough.
#2
cliche. Screamo isn't an excuse to write lame lyrics and then just sing them with emotion... you need to come up with a more concrete idea IMO because meaningful lyrics can mean more obviously, even if you choose to use them in a screamo style. This song is trite, it's all pronouns and it's uninteresting man. refine the idea and think of more clever ways to paint an image with your words that's concise (not vague like this song is), because then your song will be infinitely more meaningful.
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#3
Quote by MadMudgeN
cliche. Screamo isn't an excuse to write lame lyrics and then just sing them with emotion...


word. that's what sets bad screamo bands apart from the good ones.
well, that and bad screaming.
#4
read the rules on what your allowed to have as your title

not reported however

p.s. madmudgen put it better than i ever could have
#5
"I cannot word
Whats going on, so deep inside me."

To improve your piece, maybe attempt to not directly word it, but through metaphors and similes, to make it open to interpretation - otherwise the song sounds no different to what emo/hardcore/screamo bands have been doing over the past... however long they've been around =S
#7
Quote by rockintheblues
read the rules on what your allowed to have as your title

not reported however

p.s. madmudgen put it better than i ever could have


Don't be a fool. Report, it won't bite you...