#1
This one I think needs a little touching up, especially towards the end...and help would be of big thanks.


***
Somebody interrupted a conversation I had
with a east coast wind.
It was fine, I didn't mind,
for I had no point anyway,
or any interesting spins.
Just a collection of words
that were misted by the tide,
then slapped up against the rocks,
my nerve-endings agreeing that this is worse
than any kitchen counter top.

You prayed a little longer last night
with perfect posture against the bed.
The bad taste from your eyes and the glare in your mouth
suggested I had little escape and no way out.
Later you gripped the sheets with your hands and teeth,
shivering from the words
that crept in through the drapes and over the bay.


Remember that time we tried to collect and name
every piece of sand on this beach?
We lost track and gave up
before we could even establish a colony.
You were the one who dropped the cup of our sand,
and I cried; cried cause they were lost forever,
mixed in with the rest of all the nameless foes.

The tide breathes it's final breath against my forehead
before the sun checks out for the night.
It is a similar breath I felt back before we were interrupted.
Back before I had a name.
And I feel like I have a point this time,
and i feel like there will be someone there
to listen and remember who I really was
back before I ever had to restart...
and then begin.
#2
I don't know, I'm really mixed, after an initial read through, it seems filled with just bad cliches for "beach/sand" poetry.

My first problem started with the last two lines in the first verse:

Quote by Streetcarp19
my nerve-endings agreeing that this is worse
than any kitchen counter top.


I'm pretty good at interpretation, and I fill that last line is just poor, it doesn't make any sense in the context of the piece, and just feels so out of place and tacked on. It threw me off, and it was hard to get back into the piece.

The whole italicised part lost the flow the first verse had, but it wasn't prose, it just lacked the rhythm you had previously, and again, it threw me off and at this part I was really not for continuing. It just lost me, and there wasn't an early hook, and I just felt like I was drifting.

So the next verse starts with a lame cliche that I didn't like at all, and I get the message here of meaningless and being "forgotten" but I just don't care at this point, it doesn't have any punch because there isn't any build up to this point, you may not have looked at this like a narrative, but it is in a way, and I don't think it has proper build up to the third stanza.

The fourth stanza tries to tie everything together by referencing "being interrupted" and it's an interesting concept, infact I like it a lot, I just think the whole idea could've been pulled off more gracefully and naturally, it seems like the beach imagery was kind of forced, and a few of the metaphors were a little weak.

Sorry BJ

matt.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
nothing to be sorry about matt, I really appreciate the time that you took to look at this. It is a piece that certianly needs some work and I will be taking a look at it

thanks
-BJ
#4
Longtime no see. Anyways on to the crit.

Somebody interrupted a conversation I had I would start it off with a more specific word than "somebody". Even something s simple as he or she would be better.
with the east coast wind.
It was fine, I didn't mind,
for I had no point anyway,
or any interesting spins.
Just a collection of words
that were misted by the tide,
then slapped up against the rocks,
my nerve-endings agreeing that this is worse
than any kitchen counter top. This line really doesn't fit with the rest of the imagery.

You prayed a little longer last night
with perfect posture against the bed.
The bad taste from your eyes and the glare in your mouth
suggested I had little escape and no way out.
Later you gripped the sheets with your hands and teeth, I would get would delete "later". Also I like the rhyming in this line.
shivering from the words that crept
in through the drapes and over the bay. I changed the line breaks in the last two lines. I think it helps it flow better.

Remember when we tried to collect and name
every piece of sand on this beach?
We lost track and gave up
before we could establish a colony.
You were the one who dropped our cup of sand
and I cried; cried cause they were lost forever,
mixed in with the rest of all the nameless foes. I'm not really feeling the "nameless foes". I don't know, I just think you can find something else to put in its place.
The tide breathes it's last breath against my forehead
before the sun checks out for the night.
The same breath I felt before we were interrupted I shorten this line up. It was way too long before
Back before I had a name. i love this line here
And I feel like I have a point this time,
and i feel like there will be someone there
to listen and remember who I really was
back before I ever had to stop...
and then begin again. Actually I love the whole ending. I think its beautiful.


Well, I think the biggest problem with this piece is that gets too wordy. But nevertheless I did enjoy reading it. I can't wait to read more from you.

Crit mine please
Ghostown Photographs
#5
think you can get to my latest, it's on the front page. :]

and here's your complimentary bump.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
Quote by streetcarp19

Somebody interrupted a conversation I had
with a east coast wind.
It was fine, I didn't mind,
for I had no point anyway,
or any interesting spins.
Just a collection of words
that were misted by the tide,
then slapped up against the rocks,
my nerve-endings agreeing that this is worse
than any kitchen counter top.


like matt said the kitchen counter top line needs to be changed. bad flow and in general a badly piece together sentence. other than that this is a tiny bit lifeless but besides that a pretty good intro. the use of east coast wind is nice and the image of words misted by tide and slapped under rocks is nice.

You prayed a little longer last night
with perfect posture against the bed.
The bad taste from your eyes and the glare in your mouth
suggested I had little escape and no way out.
Later you gripped the sheets with your hands and teeth,
shivering from the words
that crept in through the drapes and over the bay.


this is okay but it seems really abrupt.. especially in the change of dialect or writing style its a massive difference from the first portion. kind of an awkward sense of counterpoint is given off here that you might want to correct. in my opinion the best bet would be just to removed this section, but i'm sure if you are set on having it you could salvage the pieces somehow.

Remember that time we tried to collect and name
every piece of sand on this beach?
We lost track and gave up
before we could even establish a colony.
You were the one who dropped the cup of our sand,
and I cried; cried cause they were lost forever,
mixed in with the rest of all the nameless foes.


the first line is so good. its like a line i wish i wrote. then you kind of fudge it with the word colony and the repetition of sand. find different words for those and only say cried. the repetition is just making everything here a mouthful instead of making the piece more powerful. the first line though. damn.


The tide breathes it's final breath against my forehead
before the sun checks out for the night.
It is a similar breath I felt back before we were interrupted.
Back before I had a name.
And I feel like I have a point this time,
and i feel like there will be someone there
to listen and remember who I really was
back before I ever had to restart...
and then begin.


yeah. like you said this is probably the weakest part. i think how many times you say I is really turning me off and also the sun checks out for the night line is just kind of childish, especially in terms of your writing. basically start from scratch with this section.

pretty good work. always good to see you around carpy.
#8
I really want to crit one of your pieces, but everything I would have said(and much much much more) has been covered.

I don't want to repeat what everyone has said, so I'll just pretend I am your old chumy chum from down the road:

I'll get your next, BJ.

Thanks for that crit on one of mine.

EDIT: I owe you two now.
Last edited by confusius at Oct 19, 2007,
#9
Somebody interrupted a conversation I had
with a east coast wind.
an*
It was fine, I didn't mind,
for I had no point anyway,
or any interesting spins.
Just a collection of words
everything up to here is abyssmal. too over the top
that were misted by the tide,
then slapped up against the rocks,
these two lines are beautiful
my nerve-endings agreeing that this is worse
than any kitchen counter top.
fah.


You prayed a little longer last night
with perfect posture against the bed.
beautiful. the way you put "against the bed" is a bit too vague. 'my' or 'yours' or 'ours' would be more personal and feel better.
The bad taste from your eyes and the glare in your mouth
i actually rather like this line and idea.
suggested I had little escape and no way out.
little chance of escape* ?
Later you gripped the sheets with your hands and teeth,
"with your hands and teeth" is a bit much and too wordy. i'd just cut that part.
shivering from the words
against the words, would sound better
that crept in through the drapes and over the bay.
this is really great, i just don't like how you organized this stanza. it would mean more if the "the bad taste... way out" lines were put somewhere else, or even better, gone.


Remember that time we tried to collect and name
every piece of sand on this beach?
We lost track and gave up
eh. i have mixed feelings on this. it's interesting, i suppose, just a bit abstract.
before we could even establish a colony.
this line is awful.
You were the one who dropped the cup of our sand,
and I cried; cried cause they were lost forever,
mixed in with the rest of all the nameless foes.
its a bit too wordy. "cried cause" doesn't need to be there. this last line needs to be redone, with a different word than foes. it's much too harsh.

The tide breathes it's final breath against my forehead
before the sun checks out for the night.
gorgeous
It is a similar breath I felt back before we were interrupted.
Back before I had a name.
i dont like the full stops. it ruins this flow
And I feel like I have a point this time,
and i feel like there will be someone there
to listen and remember who I really was
back before I ever had to restart...
cut the ...
and then begin.
i don't care about the excessive "I"s, it really makes the flow. I love this stanza with the exception of punctuation. Really great. Made the piece for me.


you have such a talent for these beautiful images. i hate that you muck it up with over-the-topness that isnt necessary at all and ruins a lot of these images. your diction in some of these lines, such as the first two lines in the last stanza is stellar, while others, such as the last line

really love the last stanza though
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Nov 11, 2007,