#1
or, I Pity You So Much I Actually Learned To Use The Iambic Pentameter Just To Convey It
pretentious much? I just cant think of any good titles to give a sonnet, which is what this is, I've finally had a stab at one.


Wrapped like a holiday around the rose
Of wine and casual longing; she slips
Through polite borders and her clothes;
The pale Siberian wastes of her lips
Drink from this wretch as though he were the night
If her reflection doesn't wither when
Their eyes meet in the morning she's alright
To stain some lonely evening yet again.
Amnesia's a drug and a best friend.
The pallid headache lain between her thighs
Remains; she fears this dream will never end
Or that it will, and she will have to rise.
Flowers fade like fuzzed sub-sunset skies,
There's ringing in her ears but no replies.


Okay, I cheated a little on the rhyme scheme of the ending couplet, but it's pretty difficult! Critique please.
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The Adventures Of Cigaro

Today, Cigaro didn't take his pills, and the purple-headed monster is telling him to get off the Internet.
#2
wow thats pretty damb good
fender strat
fender acoustic
line6 spider 2 150 watt
...
can of, rock your face off

..................you cant spell crap without rap.......................
#4
Shit.

That's incredibly good. I'll write a full crit later, but seriously impressive writing. A really skilled and tasteful description of some pretty dark subject matter.
#5
wow.
that was fantastic.
i drank in every bit of that (not to steal your metaphor) and loved it.

the only thing that caught me was:

To stain some lonely evening yet again.
Amnesia's a drug and a best friend.

the fact that you started the next bit of rhyme with such a similar sounding word as the last bit of rhyme threw me off, not in a huge way, but just enough to make me pause and think "well thats a bit odd isnt it"

not anything very bad, but it distracts that small bit of attention from the sublime poetry that is the rest

on the other hand, to fix it would be to rewrite a semi-large amount, and i dont know if it would be worth it for such a trivial problem
#6
thanks for the nice comments, glad you enjoyed it.
with those two lines i thought it may have intensified the meaning like i did with the last couplet (the repetition of the end sound sort of making it hit harder?). i dunno. it was just something i picked up on english class. thanks a lot.
Member of the 'We Hate PETA' club. PM robbie to join.

The Adventures Of Cigaro

Today, Cigaro didn't take his pills, and the purple-headed monster is telling him to get off the Internet.