#1
What’s this sub-righteous
excuse you throw upon the world?
Where did you hide your dignity?
which closet is your honour
trying to come out of? Why,
opposition to everything sane
demented or preposterous,
do you cloak yourself in such a
despicable disguise?

Fuck you. Reviles of the world,
throw your antics down the drain.
My sarcasm is a fun way to spite you,
basking in your ignorance, talking about
freedom and speech and the combined
effect of thereof.

Your ostentatious ideals make me sick,
feeling of a bathe in slime and mucous.

Live birds, with dead spirits and broken wings.
That’s all that you are.
Chirp
Chirp
Chirp.

Everybody listens to you, but
nobody cares.
Last edited by confusius at Oct 14, 2007,
#2
I enjoy the sentiment man, but the poetic element sucks. Still, not sure poetry counts when the sentiment is so enjoyable.
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#4
Quote by Hdap101
I enjoy the sentiment man, but the poetic element sucks. Still, not sure poetry counts when the sentiment is so enjoyable.


Are you talking about my poetry? My actual writing? And/or about poetry in general? Expand in both cases
#5
i agree with hdap on the second and third stanzas only

i thought the first was a little shallow in its metaphor, you couldve written somethng more involved or complex to help challenge us, but i still thought it nice

the last two stanzas are also a bit shallow, but also quite clever, and i enjoyed them

i also agree with hdap on the sentiment, i liked it a lot

good, however slightly one dimensional in its metaphors


crit mine perhaps?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691623

-mike
#6
The amount you remind me of myself two years ago is ridiculous. You are writing good, though completely impersonal, sentiments that UG just eats up completely because of your basic word-play, not quite avante-garde images, and striking endings that appear to mean something.

[And just a quick aside: why mask your work in "poetic" font? It only takes away from the piece you post]

Really, what does this piece mean to you? Critics suck. Yep. (and I do appreciate the unintentional irony of posting something like this on a forum along with the glee you're probably having at my expense because of this post) But why does that matter? I want to know why the fuck you care. And if you dont, why are you writing it?

And in general, why do you write?
[If you can answer that sincerely and without hesitation then I applaud you and will be infinitely envious.]

You're a plenty good writer and you have plenty good potential, just at this point I dont care about what you're writing. I dont believe you do either aside from the fact that you can brag about being a "reg" on this forum, who posts only to get a quick ego shot in the arm. I also dont believe that I'm the only one who feels detached from what you write and I definitely do not believe it just is "unrelatable."

Just to quote myself
"But theres no point to fucking writing if inspiration is death and slit throats and fractured skulls are just broken tears of friendship that come across as halfassed images over an internet forum where your hoping to impress and squeeze just one bullshit reply that will make you smile gently knowing that someone who doesn't matter or care about anything your going through says gj.

Poetry is dead, I killed it. Josh is dead, I killed him. And whats past death, what can I hug and hold to my heart? Just fucking lines and words on a page and a false crit to some guy I'll never meet. Poetry is dead, I killed it. And I fucking hope some guy who fucking hates life fucking finds this relatable and some other guys who hate trends bash these hopeless tears I'm shedding. Come get me, I'm the killer of poetry, all writing is dead, and all that's left are words."
{https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=420360}

Point is I guess, reading over what you've written over the past month or so, that I dont care about what you're saying in your pieces and I get the feeling that, deep down, you dont either. Dont be me, dont go through the same transition I did. And make us care, you have too much talent not to.

aww, just one man's opinion, take it for what its worth.
Last edited by #1 synth at Oct 14, 2007,
#7
I don't really like this poem, compared to other pieces of yours that I have read. It seems like a rant at somebody that you are trying to bring down - poetically - but at the end of the day it seems you are just trying to bring somebody down, and I don't really even sense anger, just a mocking, sarcastic tone to it, and I don't like that.

But hey - that's just my interpretation
However compared to your other works, I do not like this.
Harsh crit, I know, but I believe that somebody at your level deserves an honest opinion, from who being unimportant.

Michal
#8
I will.

<3333 Synth.


That was great. You've made me think and you are sort of right. Hell, you are perfectly right. You have just told me more in a few paragraph than the combined efforts of all of the members on the forum. Thanks. A lot. I can answer the questions in PM, if you want, the answers seem cheesy and jumbled, not the imaged I'd want to give off. Shall I?


EDIT: I also fixed something, due to general misinterpretation.
Last edited by confusius at Oct 14, 2007,
#9
Well done on this. I'm no good at speeches, and my advice can't be compared with synth's because, well, it's just not as useful. But, I agree with synth in that you do have talent, that's for sure. This piece actually made me feel something, as do many of your other pieces. In fact, I have no advice. Synth said it all, literally - even if i don't feel exactly the same way.
Last edited by samoo at Oct 14, 2007,
#10
In response to synth..

I just don't understand why so many people post Poetry on here... it's a Songwriting and Lyrics forum on a Guitar Tab website... surely you would get alot better crit's of your poetic writing on some kind of poet's gathering, where they hint gently at societies flaws with witty metaphors and don't wash for weeks.

I post lyrics here sometimes to see if people can relate to them, edit them slightly, and get on with a song... I don't undetstand what people would get out of posting poetic works on here, bar a small ego boost as Synth mentioned. Not that I think there's anything wrong with it, I love it, and I love reading the pieces from clearly talented young writers...

I don't really know what I'm saying, just I guess that you could be getting alot more feedback somewhere else online, confus...

Anyway, I'll edit it in a crit of the piece tomorrow. I'm fatigued.
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 14, 2007,
#11
Ending was genius, I liked the rest to, but the ending's stuck in my head now

Well written.
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#12
I love it. I relish sarcasm/irony in pieces.


I'll crit it properly tomorrow though, I'm off to bed soon.
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#13
I thought this was pretty good on first read. I don't have much time at the moment, I'll try to get back to this later.

J.