#1
You Are...
A vacant space, a hint of memory
Like a tune of an old song
Of childhood dreams left to decay
Between pages and walls
Towering above and around my head
As I wait for chances that keeps slipping away

Oh I wish I worked harder
I wish I worked at all.

A pretty face with a prettier future
At least until you graduate
Where I’ll be freezing moments from the crowd
Old, hopeless and dying
At mere seventeen.
Callus-free fingers clutching noone’s hands
Trapped under routines refusing to cease

Oh I wish I worked harder
I wish I worked at all

So grow, little seedlings while fortune’s on your side
Why carry yourself into a world of shallow lies?
Slicing sliced metals
Tracing scarlet in self-denial
Eyes glued to hands dancing in three-sixties
Counting each spin for an end of time

The flock is headed in my direction
With painted eyes, a shade of carbon
Stay away, stay away
Hold on to what you are
I’ll keep all the hard luck mine


I was bored so...
C4C if you give me your link
#2
This is amazing. I think I'm in awe. A beautiful piece of poetry that's both artistic and accessible. A joy to read. I'm having trouble finding things to say about this that aren't just vapid compliments; it really is great.

I don't think I like the "I wish I worked harder" part as it is. Maybe it'd work better (for me, anyway) integrated into a stanza.

Imagine what you can come up with when you aren't bored.

If you're still bored, C4C?
#3
I like this piece also - it has interesting uses of words throughout it and is not-so-typical which is what I love most about all pieces. I might sound like a Nuttfish's parrot but I also didn't like the 'I wish I worked harder, I wish I worked at all' - this is not at all poetic (imo) compared to the rest of the piece and could be replaced by something far more powerful and interesting. With what? Why, that is not for me to decide =]. But overall I like this piece very much - I can't, however, see it as a song, if that's what it is intended to be. Iunno why. Too good for today's mainstream radio maybe?

Michal

Edit: C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691701
#4
Thanks for the crits. Last night I was bored and in the mood for writing. I didnt know whether I wanted to write a song or a poem so I just wrote and this is what came out. Maybe I might edit this later and put it in song form. The "I wish I worked harder" bit may be the blueprint for a chorus, perhaps. It does need changing for sure, I showed it to my sister and she didnt like it either.
#6
I really like the flow in many parts of this:

"A vacant space, a hint of memory
Like a tune of an old song
Of childhood dreams left to decay
Between pages and walls"

"So grow, little seedlings while fortune’s on your side
Why carry yourself into a world of shallow lies?
Slicing sliced metals
Tracing scarlet in self-denial
Eyes glued to hands dancing in three-sixties
Counting each spin for an end of time"

...beautiful, but very dark. I'd like to see some more of this type of writing, just on a brighter side maybe?
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.
#8
Hey, thanks for the crit.

The first thing I noticed, and liked, about this piece was the lack of punctuation. In most cases it doesn't help, but I think in this it did. It allows the reader to intepret the piece as they feel fit.

For the most part everything flows well and your descriptions are pleasing and original, but this entire verse seemed forced and choppy and did nothing for me -

A pretty face with a prettier future
At least until you graduate
Where I’ll be freezing moments from the crowd
Old, hopeless and dying
At mere seventeen.
Callus-free fingers clutching noone’s hands
Trapped under routines refusing to cease

But the last verse thoroughly made up for it. Everything was beautiful.

I liked this, other than the verse I pointed out... change it a bit and you've got a great piece.

O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
I don't know why, but the first verse reminded me of a scene from silent hill... beutiful work... if you would like to give me any crit, links are in my sig.
#10
yeah, this was good
what genre is it for
that would help
i dont see much wrong though, line breaks seem good
it flows pretty well
only minor grammar thing that doesnt matter is noone isn't one word
it should be no one
idk if you forgot to hit spacebar or something
but yeah, overall it was good
Show me the fever into the the fire, taking it higher and higher.
#11
Thanks. This isnt really a song, I was just bored one night so I started typing things up on MS. Word and I copied them here. I always forget that no one thing, lol. Thanks for reminding me.
Last edited by xxemo_kittyxx at Jan 1, 2008,
#14
This is pretty good. When you read it, it's like..... whoa. I'm a terrible critter of poems and deep deep deep stuff like this, but I find that poems that make me go "whoa" even more ususally have fancy vocab. Only suggestion is to add better vocab, you have good stuff in there already though. Pretty good for something you just whipped up out of nowhere. C4C please, in my sig, crit either one, I'd prefer if you crit Denial though.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#15
Awesome, I like very much.

A pretty face with a prettier future
At least until you graduate
Where I’ll be freezing moments from the crowd
Old, hopeless and dying
At mere seventeen.
Callus-free fingers clutching noone’s hands
Trapped under routines refusing to cease


My favourtie bit =]

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#16
Quote by Scottzar
Only suggestion is to add better vocab


I'm trying. It's kinda hard for me to use big words since english isnt my first language but I'm always trying to find new words. It does get kind of boring when you keep using that same word to describe something over and over again.