#1
Though it still refuses to accept,
It screeches back into a reality,
Where each breath is nothing more,
Than a harsh gift, from a weak body

But a sense of satisfaction,
Creeps in nonetheless.

--------------------------------

c4c =]

Only recently have I started to experiment with poetry.
#2
First off, is this a finished piece? It's hard to say much about something like this, since it's designed to be taken as is, a little snippet of poetry. Like a polaroid as opposed to a landscape photograph.

It's all about flow, which you have down to a tee. It's smooth to read, and pretty to hear. Not sure what it's about, but I don't think I need to know so much.

A good piece

C4C?
#3
Quote by Nuttfish
First off, is this a finished piece? It's hard to say much about something like this, since it's designed to be taken as is, a little snippet of poetry. Like a polaroid as opposed to a landscape photograph.

It's all about flow, which you have down to a tee. It's smooth to read, and pretty to hear. Not sure what it's about, but I don't think I need to know so much.

A good piece

C4C?



Thankyou very much, I appreciate the crit! It is indeed a finished piece, though a short one, I know. I find that longer pieces unless perfectly written tend to steer of course/subject, which I would like to sincerely avoid. As to what it's about, why that's down to the reader ;]

Off to crit yours now!
#4
's an interesting approach, genre/style? Like the flow (as has been mentioned ^) and the vocabulary is (obviously) not repetitive, making what could be an interlude, or something of that sort, a really interesting piece, cheers for ur crit earlier
#5
I like it. Short, simple but it leaves you thinking. I'm not sure what the subject matter is but something about the piece intrigues me. Good work.
#6
Quote by xxemo_kittyxx
I like it. Short, simple but it leaves you thinking. I'm not sure what the subject matter is but something about the piece intrigues me. Good work.


Thankyou very much for the crit, I sure appreciate it! Would you like me to crit something of yours?
#7
It's nothing really. Doesn't give me anything. Vocabulary is bland, flow is boring, piece is boring.

EDIT: My advice (take from it what you will):

write about an interesting subject in a boring way, or a boring subject in an interesting way.

don't write about a boring subject in a boring way.
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 15, 2007,
#8
Quote by skagitup
It's nothing really. Doesn't give me anything. Vocabulary is bland, flow is boring, piece is boring.


hmmph... lol... thanks... I guess...
#9
Weeelll, this has potential I guess. Unfortunately the words you've used are slightly bland which immediately makes me think "average". The vocab, as it is now, doesnt add much, they are boring words. I can see you've got the flow down, & although it's nothing special, that improves the piece a little. But the words, man...some of them are ugly - "accept", "screeches", "harsh". Look for more unique and original ways of what you are saying now. I can't interpret much from this... I can't see a meaning. Maybe i'm not looking deep enough but perhaps if you add a little more, it'll open up more ideass in the reader's head, and provoke more thoughts. It's not a horrible piece, and I was interested, Idk what "it", that you're talking about, is. Which gave me a lil enjoyment. Sorry for the harsh crit, really wasn't that bad, and i can see you have potential. Thanks for the crit on mine, i'll look out for more stuff from you.
#10
Quote by michal23
Though it still refuses to accept,
It screeches back into a reality,
Where each breath is nothing more,
Than a harsh gift, from a weak body

But a sense of satisfaction,
Creeps in nonetheless.




I didn't really like this, to be honest. I thought the lines were.. just thrown together randomly, with bland vocabulary and no chance for the reader to get a meaning out of this. You say you've only just started experimenting with poetry, and I think you should keep trying, because this wasn't the best thing ever written. It's such a short piece too, I can't really say more about it.

Thanks for getting to mine though.


J.
#11
Hey-

It's alright, a bit vague to be honest. It was hard to tell what it was really about or if it was about anything at all, so I couldn't really pull anything special out of it. But as I read it more I liked it more- particularly the last two lines. I liked the length- nothing redundant! Sort of sounds like a struggle to stay alive to me, but I couldn't really tell. I like the way you word things, and you definitely show potential for this being one of your first. Continue writing. I'll keep up with your stuff .
#12
Thankyou for the crits guys, this is exactly the sort of feedback I need - honest opinions ans advice on how to continue. Once again thankyou, I'm gonna try keep writing and hopefully one day improve =P

Michal
#14
(sigh)

You've managed to write a poem, about "it." What "it" is, is a fucking brainbuster, because I have honestly no clue.

My guess is this poem is about taking a shit, and here's why.

Quote by michal23
Though it still refuses to accept,

You're trying to hold back your belly achin', you've got to crap but you don't want to admit it. Perhaps you're in the company of friends, a hot girl? Who knows, but this is the beginning of your dilemna.

It screeches back into a reality,

Bham! You squeeze out a turd in your pants. You must face the sickening reality that you have indeed soiled yourself. The reality that you have regressed back to being a two year old who has no control over your body.

Where each breath is nothing more,

Rushing to the restroom, you're gasping for breath, as you've sprinted a whole twenty feet to the closest sink or toilet. Now as your take your seat onto the disgusting throne, the porcelain poop basket, you relax into tranquilty.

Than a harsh gift, from a weak body

Here is the hero's struggle. He starts to poop, but it's one of those hard, pointy ones that hurts your ass. You feel weak, like a women after giving birth, or a marathon runner. It has claimed victory, but at what price?

But a sense of satisfaction,
Creeps in nonetheless.

Here our hero, takes in solice as he pushes out the final pieces of waste from his body, feeling clean, refreshed and victorious over the evil fecal matter, you gloat in satisfaction to your friends, "I just took the most brutal shit ever guys!" But it creeps slowly in, knowing that you will have to do the same thing, for the rest of your life. Truly haunting.



If you didn't get it, I called this a piece of shit.

Sorry, it's vague, meandering bullshit, and if you added something, anything, a character, replaced the first "it" with a proper noun, or something it might make sense, but until then it means absolutely nothing.

Sorry it was harsh, not many people are these days.

-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Oct 16, 2007,
#15
^^

Sorry, but Matt's right. Your diction and pacing are decent, but this is so vague as to be essentially meaningless. Take his suggestion and write something more concrete, develop a character, or write a monologue, or something that forces you to write with more details.
#16
Quote by michal23
Though it still refuses to accept,
It screeches back into a reality,
Where each breath is nothing more,
Than a harsh gift, from a weak body

But a sense of satisfaction,
Creeps in nonetheless.

--------------------------------

c4c =]

Only recently have I started to experiment with poetry.


this is very vague so i dont really know what your talking about. maybe try to experiment more with it. Add more imagery and description. I think it has potential though, its not that bad considering you just starting writing. so good luck!

Mike