#1
O’
I have visions in my head
Of a drive in the car,
Open topped, gleaming
In the sun.

Birdsong in the air
Whistling through my ears;

The rush of air
Not so loud,
Hollowed by glass.

The smell is freshly cut grass,
The pasture assassins have come
Early this year.

The trees are
Leaning
Over the side of the road.

I’m driving
Through the hills
Giant walls of
Green.

My senses are overwhelmed
Surrounded by
Beauty.

But all I can think of
Is you.
Sitting there.

With your beautiful smile
And your pale
Blue eyes.


I'll try to do C4C, but I'm not great =)
Last edited by TheShadow at Oct 14, 2007,
#2
Quote by TheShadow
O’
I have visions in my head
Of a drive in the car,
Open topped, gleaming
In the sun.

Birdsong in the air
Whistling through my ears;

This sets the scene nicely, and is a good, standard 'opener'. Your use of descriptive writing is good, and necessary if the piece is to be good.


The rush of air
Not so loud,
Hollowed by glass.

The smell is freshly cut grass,
The pasture assassins have come
Early this year.

While the first part I do not like, the second part is better. The metaphor 'pasture assassins' is interesting - certainly something I would not have though of.

The trees are
Leaning
Over the side of the road.

I’m driving
Through the hills
Giant walls of
Green.

My senses are overwhelmed
Surrounded by
Beauty.

The first stanza of this part is average - kind of like a filler imo, nothing great, but nothing too bad. The giant walls of green part is interesting, once again a nice use of metaphor. The last part is good, but could maybe be put better, specially the 'surrounded by beauty' part. But it's good nonetheless.

But all I can think of
Is you.
Sitting there.

With your beautiful smile
And your pale
Blue eyes.

This is great - simple and great - perfect, no change necessary, I love this part. Kind of romantic, simple and sweet - and that's coming from a guy =P.


I'll try to do C4C, but I'm not great =)



Overall I like this piece, though it does not immediately catch my eye. The ending and start is great, but I think maybe improve the middle a little. also maybe change the layout: I don't really like the short stanzas of three lines, but that is just my personal preference.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691701

Michal