#1
"Sunspot"

Evening walk down College Hill,
I stared directly at the sun.
My lonesome silhouette cast lengthy shadows on the pavement,
And on the old wrought-iron fences,
marked with meaningless years, darkened
Three or four rods at a time.


Now there's a green-and-orange diamond
Down the barrel of my sight. When our eyes
See something bright they like to ponder for a while.
Like when I finally make you smile,
It'll stay centered in my eyes,
Centered in my eyes for a long, long time.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Oct 14, 2007,
#2
On first glance, and on second read, there's no real problems. So I'mma just give you my thoughts as I read it through.

The opening line isn't a shocker or anything, it's ok, no problem. I like how immediately there's a unusual way of narrating the scene (Idk what tense the 1st line is in). The second one, perfect, no fussing. Now that I'm understanding what tense it's in (i'm tired), the third line helps to set the tone, but I'm feeling the length of it doesn't go well hand in hand with the second line. Maybe make it into 2 seperate ones. I like the matter of fact tone in this piece. The ending of the first stanza is nicely done, nothing special, but nothing to complain about.

Second stanza opens nicely, idk how thought through this was, but I like the way the tense and tone change kinda abruptly (but subtlely). You could change the capital letter in the second line, but thats nothing major. I'm fond of the way you introduce subtle rhymes... sight & eyes for example. It continues nicely and the repitition at the end is v. well done, something I suck at.

So yeah, good piece. I couldn't give you much advice, was all pretty well done and constructed. Couldn't get any real meaning from it? but i don't mind that, just enjoyed reading it. If youu're returning - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691749. Thanks
#3
Being honest, there's not too much that stands out from this.

The first stanza is very... nice? As is the second.

There's really nothing that makes this stand above the rest, in my opinion. I usually feel something more after reading one of your pieces, Evan. This disappointed me