#1
Random title. Incomplete, of course. Written in the best... class... EVAR... Algebra II.

The highway can't express my destiny.
It is only the path more often taken,
a fixation of gas-guzzling ozone obsessives,
set on getting there as fast as possible.

Red blood cells and adrenaline
work better than the heart and soul.
She told me how to live and breathe,
what songs to sing when I grow old.

The impetus of her affection
took love and peace to poverty,
quietly redefined my sole philosophy,
and made life a pointless novelty.
Member #4 of the "I have parents over 50 and i'm a teen" club, pm tanglewoodguit to join.
#2
Quote by altosaxgeek5
The highway can't express my destiny.
It is only the path more often taken,
a fixation of gas-guzzling ozone obsessives,
set on getting there as fast as possible.
This verse doesn't really seem to go with anything else in this piece, and I'm having trouble finding the meaning in it. Decent flow, though.

Red blood cells and adrenaline
work better than the heart and soul.
She told me how to live and breathe,
what songs to sing when I grow old.
Good flow and good rhyme. I like the two couplets separately, but don't really see the connection between the two.

The impetus of her affection
took love and peace to poverty,
quietly redefined my sole philosophy,
and made life a pointless novelty.
Good flow and good rhyme. Very clear purpose made in this verse, which is good. No real suggestions.


Overall, I did enjoy this piece. However, as I stated, I don't really see the meaning or the purpose in the piece.. it doesn't explain much, and I suppose that's due to the fact that it is incomplete. I can't really give you any other suggestions; very well written piece.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#3
Quote by altosaxgeek5


The highway can't express my destiny.
It is only the path more often taken,
a fixation of gas-guzzling ozone obsessives,
set on getting there as fast as possible.

This is a good verse, though VERY disconnected in my opinion from the rest of the piece. I like the idea of the first two line especially... after that though it kind of loses sustenance, and feels a bit like filler. But the first two sound great. Very good diction throughout though, save for "as fast as possible" you can certainly come up with something more creative and descriptive than 'fast'

Red blood cells and adrenaline
work better than the heart and soul.
She told me how to live and breathe,
what songs to sing when I grow old.

I like this verse again. It feels like the first two lines need a common in between them to link them, or something. Also, consider changing 'when I grow old' to 'as I grew old' I think it gives the line more depth, as it feels like 'she' has more control... because she is controlling throughout, instead of after you are old

The impetus of her affection
took love and peace to poverty,
quietly redefined my sole philosophy,
and made life a pointless novelty.

Very solid. I don't know that I follow it very well. But, the point you make in the end is deep... and well set up for by the next to last line. Not much else to say here... other than good word choice.



Very solid piece... Just seems a bit disconnected from the 1st stanza to the other two... and the last stanza is a bit hard for me to follow (but I have a small vocab, so its probably just me).

8/10

C4C on either of my pieces?

peace and coconuts,

-ZC