#1
You were that girl
and I was that girl
but you just moved on
while I chose to grow up.

And I didn't fucking care if he was married. Apparently nor did he
so stop
banging
your fucking gavel
cause clearly
he won't
stop banging me.
#2
Wow. Cool. Don't know how (if indeed) you're going to write music to that one. But very nice little piece of writing.
#3
I didn't even think about music, probably not with this one it was ots. Just wrote it now, in fact I'm considering taking out the whole first part. Thanks though, and I'll be looking out for you to return the favour.
#4
I liked the second stanza. It's got a little bit of funneh in it. Are you planning on writing some more to the song?
Get off my lawn.
#5
Quote by blu_flame34
You were that girl
and I was that girl
but you just moved on
while I chose to grow up.

And I didn't fucking care if he was married. Apparently nor did he
so stop
banging
your fucking gavel
cause clearly
he won't
stop banging me.


Lol this made me smile. It is not your typical poem where you will find every word has a 100 meanings (exaggerated obv.), but I feel it doesn't need it, due to the sense of humor around it. Maybe improve the first line of the seconds stanza - a little long and does not flow easily with the other lines. But overall I enjoyed reading this. Keep it up!

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691701

Michal
#6
I need to read more of you.

This was a great little piece.

Looking back on some of your other works (which I've obviously missed) your an extremely talented writer (and singer, I might add) and I will be doing my utmost to look out for your work (and if I have the time, give you a substantial critique) in the future.

Nice to meet you, flamey blu.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Oct 15, 2007,
#7
:|
Haha. really nicely put.
Not much to say here other then (clap, clap) love the last stanza.
Im gonna check out some of your other peices for sure.
Cause this was a great little peice of writting.
cheers.
#8
Thanks guys, it wasn't really meant to be funny but whatever works I guess haha. I'm probably not going to be adding onto it...I'm seriously considering taking out the first part though, I think it's too personal to work in the context. But it seems silly to go straight into the second part.

Trigger, good to see I'm getting a reaction, even if it is " :| " haha.

And nice to meet you as well JammyDude- thanks for reading- and listening !
#9
You were that girl
and I was that girl
but you just moved on
while I chose to grow up.
There's nice symmetry in the first part. And an ambiguity. Were these two girls who shared the same bits of history. Or two sides of a girl at odds with each other? Obviously it's better to have this unanswered.

And I didn't fucking care if he was married. Apparently nor did he
I don't know that fucking really adds anything here. "if" might be better replaced with "that". "Apparently nor did he" feels a bit clumsy. The way this part runs on would be even more out of place without the symmetry of the first stanza for contrast.
so stop
banging
your fucking gavel
cause clearly
he won't
stop banging me.
Finally the payoff. Banging in two differing contexts, and the gavel referring to the girl in the second person's judging the girl in the first. That balances the judgmental attitude displayed by the first person girl in the first stanza.

It works well enough as-is, but it certainly could be developed further.
I really thing without the first part for balance, the piece will suffer terribly, unless you replace it with something rather than just dropping it.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
Really liked it sorry for a lame crit but it was really interesting no poetic bull**** and right to the point.
Hi