#1
crit for crit.
personal piece.
any suggestions are well appreciated.


The Horn's Sweet Note and The Tooth of the Hound.

i've grown accustomed to the thing underneath
my bed.
she peaks through the ruffles,
and i can see her head. her mouth is
laughing, open, gaping wide, and her
eyes are darkly darkly dark and red.
i think to myself, she's not there,
i fall asleep with her, crawling, grabbing
,,,knuckles white, torn cold sheets, pulling
them beneath, quilts and sheets, choking me
and smiling.

she's calling
calling calling
calling me to come say hi, but
i've feared the absence of her voice,
monotone, cold, distant; calming, honey;
a fake grin, i can see through it, i can't
see through her.

i've grown to like the awful beast living in
my closet.
tearing, clawing, and scratching at the wooden
shudders, i shudder, and i cover my head, i see
her hands, boney, scaling, tired and trembling,
her cracked lips, shaking, shaking, squeeze
my eyes away, she stalks the foot of my bed,
and slinks closer to the side of my pillow,
her words soft as feathers, harsh, coiled;
the hot breath, the smell of death,
the smell of death,
she tells me, "you act like we've never talked before."

dead blankets, a cozy bed, a soft orange light
from the corner of my room, an open closet door
an open
an open
an open
closet door

and the thing
i've come to love.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Oct 15, 2007,
#2
edit: this crit may be a mess. I'm tired and need sleep.


I like the sense of freedom in your writing, and I'm always interested in how you use line breaks. This is an interesting piece to me. I think beneath the feel of freedom, you're using some kinda of deep writing method, because it always seems like the rhymes come in the perfect places. (eg. "head" & "red"). I'm not too good with the technicalities of writing.

Hmm, not too fond of the "darkly darkly dark", just personal preferences. Is it just to make up the syllables? if so, try find an adjective to use. I like the first stanza muchly, probably my favorite one. First read, I didn't notice that you used "sheets" twice almost hand in hand, but now that i've noticed it I'm not liking it as much. The final line had an effect on me, quite powerful. Strong stanza.

Later on in the piece, repitition isn't working too well imo. Eg. in the following stanza, you could simply remove two of the "calling"s, some of it just seems unnesseccary to me. The third stanza is weaker than the previous two, in my eyes, particularly the beginning... doesn't add a lot to the piece. Saying that, I think you could use some of the ideas you have (eg. "smell of death") and develop it into a stronger stanza. It doesn't have a whole lot of impact on me atm.

The ending, I like. Although, again, not big on the repitition, is it nesseccary? As far as I can there are other, better ways of making a similar impact, and more of one (which i think you have proved in other areas in this). Just makes it a little, blunt, for lack of a better word. I guess a whole lot of this is down to personal preference, i'm sure some people will love the things that i'm not so fond of.

It has potential. That's my crappy summary. Here's mylatest - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691749. Please give your thoughts & rip it apart if you feel the need.

edit2: I just realised I didn't even comment on the subject or anything. Which was out of the ordinary, totally, and made the piece what it was. Something different. The tone seemed, kind of casual, to me. But it varies throughout, which is another thing I liked, and there was a bit of tension. My crits suck i'm afraid.
Last edited by samoo at Oct 15, 2007,
#3

The Horn's Sweet Note and The Tooth of the Hound.

i've grown acustomed to the thing underneath
my bed.
she peaks through the ruffles,
and i can see her head. her mouth is
laughing, open, gaping wide, and her
eyes are darkly darkly dark and red.
i think to myself, she's not there,
i fall asleep with her, crawling, grabbing
,,,knuckles white, torn cold sheets, pulling
them beneath, quilts and sheets, choking me
and smiling.

I love the linebreak for the last line. The flow was pretty good here, although I had some problems at first with "darkly darkly dark and red". Second time I read that it flowed well though. I like your vocabulary here, and the content is pretty strange, makes me want to read on, which is always nice for the opening stanza.

she's calling
calling calling
calling me to come say hi, but
i've grown acustomed to her voice,
monotone, cold, distant; calming, honey;
she'll always be there, she'll always be
living under my bed.

i didn't like the repetitions here: calling and acustomed. I think you can find another word for acustomed, although it may be on purpose, your call. I thought this stanza was rather blunt to be honest.

i've grown to like the awful beast living in
my closet.
tearing, clawing, and scratching at the wooden
shudders, i shudder, and i cover my head, i see
her hands, boney, scaling, tired and trembling,
her cracked lips, shaking, shaking, squeeze
my eyes away, she stalks the foot of my bed,
and slinks closer to the side of my pillow,
her words soft as feathers, harsh coiled;
the hot breath, the smell of death, the
smell of death, the smell, the smell, the smell of death.
she tells me, "you act like we've never talked before."

I loved 'she stalks the foot of my bed'. I can't find much things that I don't like in this stanza. Maybe, again, the repetition. I liked how you wrote 'the smell of death the smell of death', but then I thought you took it too far.

warm blankets, a cozy bed, a soft orange light
from the corner of my room, an open closet door
an open
an open
an open
closet door

i loved this. I'm not a native speaker of english, so it might just be me, but when i first read this i read 'open open open closeD door'. And then i saw that it was actually 'closet'. I loved the double meaning that i got out of it, but then again, it might just be me. The description of the bed is rather cliché with the warm blankets and all, maybe find some other stuff to describe. I would probably have done the same though

and the thing
i've come to love.

nice ending, wraps it up nicely.


I thought this was a pretty good piece, but on the other hand i thought it wasn't really anything like your other pieces. The descriptions aren't as precise, IMO, the vocabulary isn't as eloquent. But I liked reading it I tried my best to point out things that I didn't like in my crit, I hope they help you in some way.

Can you get to my new one? Thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=692167
#4
crit for crit.
personal piece.
any suggestions are well appreciated.


The Horn's Sweet Note and The Tooth of the Hound.

i've grown acustomed to the thing underneath
my bed.
she peaks through the ruffles,
and i can see her head. her mouth is
laughing, open, gaping wide, and her
eyes are darkly darkly dark and red.
i think to myself, she's not there,
i fall asleep with her, crawling, grabbing
,,,knuckles white, torn cold sheets, pulling
them beneath, quilts and sheets, choking me
and smiling.

I like the first stanza - It gives a nice overview. There's not much of a flow, but I don't think a flow is necessary. After reading the 'how to crit' guide I guess I must point out that 'acustomed' should be accustomed.

she's calling
calling calling
calling me to come say hi, but
i've grown acustomed to her voice,
monotone, cold, distant; calming, honey;
she'll always be there, she'll always be
living under my bed.

I like this stanza even more, except for the last line. The repetition at the start works greatly, and the sudden swich from 'col and distant' to 'calming, honey' works wonders. The last lines 'she'll always be there etc.' are unnecessary, imo.

i've grown to like the awful beast living in
my closet.
tearing, clawing, and scratching at the wooden
shudders, i shudder, and i cover my head, i see
her hands, boney, scaling, tired and trembling,
her cracked lips, shaking, shaking, squeeze
my eyes away, she stalks the foot of my bed,
and slinks closer to the side of my pillow,
her words soft as feathers, harsh coiled;
the hot breath, the smell of death, the
smell of death, the smell, the smell, the smell of death.
she tells me, "you act like we've never talked before."

This stanza is average. It starts off well, with you progressing to state you now like the thing under your bead. The descriptions are good, but from the start it doesn't really progress that much, and the repetition of 'the smell of death' is certainly overdone.

warm blankets, a cozy bed, a soft orange light
from the corner of my room, an open closet door
an open
an open
an open
closet door

and the thing
i've come to love.

This last part is totally great. It rounds it off very nicely. I think throughout the poem what has done it for me is the amount of well thought out descriptions that you have fed into this, and the progression of starting off accustomed to the thing, and ending up loving it. The repetition works wonders overall and gives me the impression of you growing slightly insane. Whether this is intended I am not sure.


Overall, however, I really love this piece - I think it has potential, and the good points outnumber the bad points considerably =]
Good work, keep it up.

And crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691701

Michal
#5
wowow, thank you guys all so much, i will get to yours later tonight, with full critieuesa.s

i wanted something drastically different because the meaning is something i've done SOOO many times before and I felt as if writing in the same way is defeating the purpose.

thanks again!
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
Hm. This one has good points and not so good points... I remember reading some other stuff of yours that I really enjoyed, but as you said this has a very different style. First thing: are you intentionally spelling accustomed wrong? I know, bitching about spelling is an asshole way to start a crit, but I honestly don't know if it was a mistake or a stylistic choice. Second: The first two stanzas are kind of weak in my opinion, but it really picks up in the third. The rhyming is kind of pat and forced; it gives it a sort of childlike feel which fits the tone of the poem but I don't really like. The third stanza is something else altogether; I feel like you really found your rhythm here. You get rid of the rhyming for the most part and use some repetition to very good effect, nice job. Same for the last part, good use of repetition and a quality ending. Overall it's a fairly good piece, but not up to the standards of your other work I've read.

Crit mine when you get a chance? Sooner rather than later if possible, it's been chilling on the third page of the forum for a couple of days cause noone who I've critted has gotten back to me.
#8
i've grown accustomed to the thing underneath
my bed.
she peaks through the ruffles,
and i can see her head. her mouth is
laughing, open, gaping wide, and her
eyes are darkly darkly dark and red.
i think to myself, she's not there,
i fall asleep with her, crawling, grabbing
,,,knuckles white, torn cold sheets, pulling
them beneath, quilts and sheets, choking me
and smiling.
your first line is a very strong opener. later on, the series of commas is somewhat questionable but I've always noticed that your use of punctuation is typically somewhat sporadic. As opposed to everyone else, I really liked the "darkly darkly dark and red."

she's calling
calling calling
calling me to come say hi, but
i've feared the absence of her voice,
monotone, cold, distant; calming, honey;
a fake grin, i can see through it, i can't
see through her.
the repetition at the beginning here was good, i really liked the series of adjectives you put here, lovely contrasts. not sure about the part after the semi-colon, i think it took away and sort of interrupted everything else that you had going on. maybe incorporate the fake grin bit elsewhere, without the seeing through bit. you said it was personal so i don't know if that's an imperative part. didn't seem to be as a naive reader, though

i've grown to like the awful beast living in
my closet.
tearing, clawing, and scratching at the wooden
shudders, i shudder, and i cover my head, i see
her hands, boney, scaling, tired and trembling,
her cracked lips, shaking, shaking, squeeze
my eyes away, she stalks the foot of my bed,
and slinks closer to the side of my pillow,
her words soft as feathers, harsh, coiled;
the hot breath, the smell of death,
the smell of death,
she tells me, "you act like we've never talked before."
i loved the words here, but jesus with the commas! many of them seemed unnecessary, not only that but in some instances detracted from the punch. i just think not all of them needed to be there, but i don't want to suggest anything that takes away from the tone you intended for so i just thought i'd throw it out there.

dead blankets, a cozy bed, a soft orange light <-- favourite line
from the corner of my room, an open closet door
an open
an open
an open
closet door

and the thing
i've come to love.
i really like how the "thing" develops. or, rather, your uncomfortable affection does, the thing does not- you really illustrated that very well! i think you really gave an effect, structure-wise. i'm honestly not sure about the meaning so i won't go into that. it was a good read though. and you really pulled off the repetition, which usually seems tasteless.

if you feel like looking at mine it's somewhere on the first page i think, but don't feel obligated by any means if you have nothing to say about it.


vvv Oh. I guess I was looking for something more specific. Cause of the title I thought about when you leave behind something you love and the longer you stay away from it the more it attacks you, not necessarily it because it was bad for you but because of the absence.

Well I never claimed to be an expert at interpretation.
Last edited by blu_flame34 at Oct 16, 2007,
#9
The meaning is pretty obvious I think, falling in love with something that is bad for you.

A boy falling in love with the monster haunting his room.

Thank you so much for the crit, I'm famished at the moment, so I'll be getting toa ll these tomorrow morning.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#10
This is very good, I like it, especially this stanza

she's calling
calling calling
calling me to come say hi, but
i've feared the absence of her voice,
monotone, cold, distant; calming, honey;
a fake grin, i can see through it, i can't
see through her.


It's so easy to relate to. The only problem i can see, which isn't really a problem is some of the description is awkward or almost weighs it down,

eyes are darkly darkly dark and red.

Like the darkly darkly part and parts with excessive commas...but it may also add to it, since it would probably be a kid that's afraid of the monster, so I imagine that's what you were going for. If so then you did a good job of it. A kid would probably babble on with discriptions like that, I think it adds to it, at least for me.

Not much of a crit:/
if you want here's my latest:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=692922https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=692922
Last edited by stratkat at Oct 16, 2007,
#11
This really good, i really enjoyed it, and its actually quite scary haha, when i was reading it i was thinking about a younger me being scared of the dark and hiding under the covers
#12
All critiques repaid, are there any more wanting to comment on this, I will repay the favor.

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#13
This actually has a nice flow even with the mutitude of repeated words. they actually gave a sense of nervous and unsure-ness to the piece that really added to the impact. The ending had a nice completeness to it, one which actually made a lot more sense that the one I was invisioning halway through.

Overall, a good interpretation of what a childs imagination goes through when darkness allows it to wonder. Very nice.

-BJ
#14
I love the Yeats quote - which is consistently developed int he poem. Please do not listen to that person of limited understanding who suggested you get rid of the wonderful repititions of "open" as a matter of fact "the open" itself is not only the title of one of the most influential philosophical works on the compulsive man-animal distinction of western anthropology, it is also one of the most relevant poetic concepts, developed by the German Modernist R. M. Rilke, your piece to me reads like a really interesting take on this - even if it happened unconsciously, but this is where the truly fantastic stuff comes from anyway. it is "gifted" so do not destroy the gift. The urgency of the piece is such a fabulous response to the tremour present in the W. B. Yeats' poem from which you lifted the title - which I am 100% certain he would have encouraged you to do anyway. Your piece links into deep philosophical issues - the difference between the borded up human city and the "bare life" which we have excluded to the outside and paradoxically confined within us. The kind of monstrous incision which comes to haunt civilisation - the hunter right at home is a brilliant little addition. Here are a few changes I made to increase the density, poetical power and lyrical flow of the last stanza - thouhgt a bit of Dylan Thomas couldn't hurt, take what you like


i've grown to like the aweful living-in -my-closet beast
tearing, clawing, scratching at the wood-
en shudders, covering my head,
she stalks the foot of my (i see
her hands, boney, scaling, tired) bed
her cracked lips trembling,
shaking, shaking, squeeze
my eyes away,
she slinks closer to the side of my pillow,
her soft-harsh feather-words are coiling
the death breath the hot
hot smell, the smell of death
she says "you act like we have never talked before."

dead blankets on a cozy bed, soft orange light
from the corner of my room, an open closet door
an open
an open
an open
closet door

and the thing
i've come to love.
__________________
#17
I don't know why this was posted in almost 6 years later, but it sure was enjoyable to read the piece and thread again.

Well done, Matt.

(Wow, six years! This forum means so much.)
#18
Critiques are just critiques. What comes out first when being creative is the natural and the truth. Just remember that. The poem seems to suggest the works of a Succubus. Great writing btw.