#1
The smoke swayed with the bend of the waves
I felt stranger in the warmth of the days.
Hard to breathe, can't believe
I saw my eyes floating in the crest of the reeds.

But maybe, if i began to see
the little things controlled be the breeze
I'd know, willows can swirl
next to the hazy tides of the world.

But in deep, far beneath
I watched my body fall away with the sea.
Beat down, tossed around
I didn't feel pain until I'd already drowned.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Nov 20, 2010,
#2
wow...Dude this is real good material! The flow is almost perfect, while the rhyming is interesting also - I like how you have used so many rhymes ending in that 'ee' sound - all could be seen as cliche, but not in this case, as they appear to fit perfectly.
There isn't much more that I can crit - this is beautiful. I THINK I know what the meaning is, and it is presented so well, so mysteriously and poetically, so that it only becomes clear if one thinks - which is, for me, what poetry is about; Making things look beautiful, but not making the meanings obvious, and you have hit the jackpot hear. The only advice I can think of at the moment is to maybe separate it into stanzas - I guess it will then just look nicer.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691701

Michal
#4
Quote by TrigFunction
The smoke swayed with the bend of the waves
I felt stranger in the warmth of the days.
Hard to breathe, can't believe
I saw my eyes floating in the crest of the reeds.

The first too lines brought me in and made me want to continue reading, but then I read the third line and it ruined the mood for me and then the fourth line is a great line that I felt ruined by the third.

But maybe, if i began to see
the little things controlled be the breeze
I'd know, willows can swirl
next to the hazy tides of the world.

No complaints here

And in deep, far beneath
I watched my body fall away with the sea.
Beat down, tossed around
I didn't feel pain until I'd already drowned.
'
Liked this one too but I think it would sound better as... "I didn't feel pain, I had already drowned." Taking off until

Overall a very good piece. I read practically every posted poem/lyrical content on here but don't feel compelled to read the whole thing unless I believe it is worth my time, so the fact I read yours entirely means that I enjoy it. On a 0-10 scale, 10 being the best, I give you a 6. Good job :-D



6/10

The Butterflies
Last edited by Mfem6 at Oct 15, 2007,
#6
Quote by TrigFunction
The smoke swayed with the bend of the waves
I felt stranger in the warmth of the days.
Hard to breathe, can't believe
I saw my eyes floating in the crest of the reeds.

Opening line is perfect with great imagery, same with the second. The final line I like too, but the previous feels slightly forced as the rhyme isn't strong or original enough.

But maybe, if i began to see
the little things controlled be the breeze
I'd know, willows can swirl
next to the hazy tides of the world.

Again, one of the rhymes ("maybe" & "see") seems a little unnatural. I don't think it's worth having in there since the following line rhymes anyway, so you could try "perhaps" instead of "maybe". The second one, though, iss very nice - "controlled by the breeze" is a nice idea. Last two lines are good.

And in deep, far beneath
I watched my body fall away with the sea.
Beat down, tossed around
I didn't feel pain until I'd already drowned.

Really fond of this stanza. I like that you didn't feel obliged to say "deep sea" rather than just "deep". Third line introduces a bit of a new style, it's a little painfully obviously rhyming... which imo brings the piece down a bit. Final line was good. As somebody else said recently (name escapes me), too many pieces around here try to make the ending too dramatic, but this one on the otherhand was perfect. Not too blunt, not too subtle.


Enjoyable piece and I think the imagery made it what it was. Simple descriptions used effectively, I like it. There a few things which annoyed me, simply because the rest was so good. If you've got time - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11115054#post11115054. Could do with a crit. Thanks .
#7
Quote by TrigFunction
The smoke swayed with the bend of the waves
I felt stranger in the warmth of the days.
Hard to breathe, can't believe
I saw my eyes floating in the crest of the reeds.

Pretty good descriptions here, although, it's too short, it's only four lines and it's not enough to build an image around. I get really blank images and although you're describing this well, you don't go indepth, and I think that's the achilles heel of this entire piece, it lacks substance to the detail, anyway. The rhyming a bit predictable, and I'm hardly a fan of the AABB rhyme scheme or any real rhyme scheme it makes everything seem so formulatic (word?) but yeah, it's not bad, deffinately needs to be expanded here

But maybe, if i began to see
the little things controlled be the breeze
I'd know, willows can swirl
next to the hazy tides of the world.

I can't comprehend this because of the lack of depth. It's almost like a very beautifully described puddle. No matter how beautiful you describe it and detail it, it's only as deep as a puddle, and it's making the comprehension here a bit hard. Are you talking about leaves, when you say, "things" which is awfully vague. What does, "hazy tides of the world" mean? Why hazy? Why are they hazy, what does that mean, you could drop any adjective in there, and if you fail to develope why it is hazy, or whatever it means zilch. You could written mystical tides, and it would have had the same impact because you failed to go further with why they were hazy, instead you jumped straight into the next image. Go more indepth with these images.

And in deep, far beneath
I watched my body fall away with the sea.
Beat down, tossed around
I didn't feel pain until I'd already drowned.

For a poem with such a lack of substance in the first two stanzas, this last one really closed it up well, whatever it was that I just read, because I don't have any consistant imagery with it at all, because you didn't expand on anything that you wrote. It's like, you can write:

hazy tides with flourescent depths
starry eyes and a mystic river are
flowing beneath me.


That's not good description, no matter how many adjectives you use, if you don't explain why the tides are hazy or the depths have flourescence then it means nothing. For all I know there could be lightbulbs in the depths and the tides could be hazy because they've been smoking pot. Using adjectives isn't a free pass into description town, it's a chance to develop imagery, it's not the be all and end all of imagery, it's the first step you take into writing imagery, not the only step.

You can went on and on in the first stanza about the scene you were describing, but you just jumped into another image and it ruined what you had written in the first. It negated it, instead of added.


Work on expansion and adding more depth into your images.

-matt-

here's mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=698803
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#8
enjoyable. thank you.


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#9
Great ****ing stuff.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
The smoke swayed with the bend of the waves
I felt stranger in the warmth of the days.
Hard to breathe, can't believe
I saw my eyes floating in the crest of the reeds.

wow.. this first stanza jsut blew me away.. i dont see too many flaws. exept stranger? isnt it' supposed to be strange or i am a stranger. stranger is not an adv.

But maybe, if i began to see
the little things controlled be the breeze
I'd know, willows can swirl
next to the hazy tides of the world.

very good second stanza did you mean controlled by the breeze? other hten that.. i dotn see anything...

And in deep, far beneath
I watched my body fall away with the sea.
Beat down, tossed around
I didn't feel pain until I'd already drowned.

wow!!! i love this ending.. i cant see anything in this either..

to be honest this whole thing blew me away.. it's short and sweet. it almost made me wish it was like 4 stanza's longer but i think that would defeat the purpose of this peice. it is wonderfully crafted with amazing imagry, personification, and simile/metephors. over all this was.. an amazing peice.. i'd be obliged if you could crit. the city of angels your imput, i think, would really supplement my writting.. thank you.
btw GREAT job.. wish i was that good
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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