#1
So this used to be completely different, but i changed it based on what blu_flame said, cuz i agreed with him. i tried to make this more personable, but i don't know if i executed it.

v
I remember the day we met
I made fun of you in the loceroom
Funny thing, then i didn't have a clue
As to just what you'd mean to me

V
Some of my best memories
Are those hours we spen in your car
Like that time on the highway
When you almost killed us all

C
But i coulda died right then and there
With such good thoughst
Running through my mind about
The fun things we did all the time,
And i just wouldnt've cared

V
Sometimes i think about
how you were the plot point
in the story of my life; where
i know the day after is better than before

V
But i've said things to you i shouldn't
And i've done things you wouldn't
Tried to mold you to someone you're not
And i wouldn't admit i was wrong

C
You coulda turned around right there
With such poor thoughts of me
Running through your mind about
the terrible things i did to you all the time
But you're still here and now
I see how lucky, how lucky i am
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Oct 20, 2007,
#2
Hey, you. Quite frankly nothing really spoke to me here, but it was all okay in that "thought-that-counts" kind of way. The exception is: the entire lighthouse thing. I don't mean to tear your piece down since that is the title & chorus and all, but really, it gave a bad image. It makes her seem huge and hulking and square. This is not the image you want to portray, correct? If you really like it then keep the comparison but rework it.

When a piece is highly personal like this, I am of the opinion that it's best to either 1) really describe the person in the terms that seem perfect for THEM. your descriptions (voice lighting up gray skies, warmth, simple smile, tell her anything, happy, selfless) are all very vague. It doesn't tell me about the peculiarities, and therefore the special, that is her. In its current state, I really feel like this could be about anyone. I know a lot of "nice" people and this just seems to be about one of them. Make it about her. OR 2) let your writing take the course of things that are unique to the two of you. the writing in this case would feel like a secret. this way it's a good read for the two of you, and the audience really feels like they are being let in on something.

These are only my humble suggestions, though. I just felt like this was very broad, and when it's meant to be something so personal, it should be...well, more personal. on the other hand because it is so, it really is the thought that counts, so it's your call. Very sweet of you btw.
#4
Hey, I read through this piece thinking, "Nothing great here" and then I hit the chorus, and the lighthouse symbolism I liked. I think if you want this piece to stand out you should strengthen the verses. No one listens to a chorus if they can't get past the verses.

Verses 3 and 4 felt really weak to me. These two are the ones I mentioned before.
#5
I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't to crazy about it. It wasn't bad by any means, but it just didn't do it for me. I think the flow is a little awkward at times (like the first verse), maybe you could reword it to make it more smooth. But good job man keep it up.
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