#1
If you comment/crit i'll try my best to comment/crit back, but i'm not making any promises This is the first thing i've written since July, i may add another stanza or two, maybe a better title.


"Punching Stone"

I feel stones sliding through my finger tips,
so alone as my heart cracks and chips.
I have thoughts that make me physically sick,
carrying a stomach full of bricks.

I hate every single memory,
and my unhealthy nostalgia.
I loathe every single scene...
that has to be replayed in my mind.
I hate her for giving me hope.
Last edited by stratkat at Oct 16, 2007,
#2
The way you've used "I" in excess, I wouldn't usually like but, seems to work nicely here. Personal preference I guess but try "reminiscences" instead of "nostalgia". The opening line is nice and subtle, calm even, and I'm not fond of the way this progresses and later the use of "sick" and "bricks" just seems ... too unlike poetry. But most of it is well written and original. If you'd like - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691749. Don't feel obliged as this wasn't much of a crit .
#3
hey, i ;like your work...i have a riff id love to use that on, if thats okay...(i have a chorus in mind)
Quote by chs170
Quote by Carl6661
Quote by chs170
Wow.

This is deep
.
Was the pun intended?
Actually no

E-married to Nikki82
#4
Quote by samoo
The way you've used "I" in excess, I wouldn't usually like but, seems to work nicely here. Personal preference I guess but try "reminiscences" instead of "nostalgia". The opening line is nice and subtle, calm even, and I'm not fond of the way this progresses and later the use of "sick" and "bricks" just seems ... too unlike poetry. But most of it is well written and original. If you'd like - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691749. Don't feel obliged as this wasn't much of a crit .

Thanks you, I've always had a problem with using I to much, I can go back to any of my poems and it's used excessively, I might get out of the habit though.

Quote by ManicBluesist
hey, i ;like your work...i have a riff id love to use that on, if thats okay...(i have a chorus in mind)

eh...you can use the structure but i'd prefer you wouldn't use the words, I might wanna use them later for a song or something:] thanks thouigh^^
#5
I found it a bit too angsty for my personal liking, I always feel that if you can't put your angst into something other than angsty poetry, like perhaps a short story or a nice metaphor, then it's kind of worthless and meaningless to everyone but you. Yeah people can create their own personal meanings, but that depends on someone personally connecting.

I'm sure people can, this is blunt, but I didn't like it, hardly any substance and the first line has a typo or something. It should be stones. The first verse was good, but you regressed into angsty nonsense in the second, so, oh well.

Try to keep a constant metaphor through a whole piece or piece together smaller ones into a big idea, otherwise you'll go off track and kind of just become blunt and silly.

Work on your consistancy.

-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
Quote by stratkat
"Punching Stone"

I feel stone sliding through my finger tips,
so alone as my heart cracks and chips.
I have thoughts that make me physically sick,
carrying a stomach full of bricks.
I like this as far as diction, but the first couplet doesn't flow too well. Here's what I think would work better.. "I feel stone sliding through my finger tips, / and as I sit alone, my heart cracks and chips. / I have thoughts that make me feel physically sick; / I'm weighed down by a stomach full of bricks."

I hate every single memory,
and my unhealthy nostalgia.
I loathe every single scene...
that has to be replayed in my mind.
I hate her for giving me hope.
Love this, except for "nostalgia" doesn't really seem to fit. I love the meaning behind it, and how you ended with "I hate her for giving me hope."


Overall I think this was a really good piece except for the flow in the first stanza.

Crit mine if you have a chance? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=693162
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#7
cool little peom or whatever it is, kind of short if its going to be a song, but i can feel the emotion poring out of it. rock on dude.
#8
reminds me of a hardcore song but a little more angsty. you have some good ideas but the constant negative attitude and very little description in the poem just make seem like a raw emotion and therefore it feels on the spot. its good to have raw emotion in your poem but when it is the sole basis of the entire piece its going to come out sounding childish, which is okay because usually the song will have an emotional backing that will support that but in terms of the actually lyrics they will suffer. so, this could still be a great song just the lyrics are seemingly naive because they are just based on an obvious emotional output instead of some intellectual nonsense. it could be way better, but i guess its hard to judge pieces like this. in terms of actual songwriting praise it'll garner none from me. but i could love the actually song when music and vocals are added.