#1
Doing time behind my hearts bars
I want to fuse these worlds of ours
Every day it hurts a bit more
Trapped behind the cold metal door

Sitting alone in a Smokey room
My heart is slowly being entombed
Break it out, set it free
You’re the only one that does it for me

It’s getting too much for me to handle
All I want is to relight the candle
Carry on down our old path
Taking on anything bad it my have

Will this episode culminate in happiness?
Or will I live shrouded, in a cloud of awkwardness?
I regret the past, the things I did
Our lives intertwined will make me live

Set my heart free from behind these bars
Can we ever fuse these worlds of ours
You are the angel sent down for me
Please take my hand and set me free
#2
Quote by valo-shadows
Doing time behind my hearts bars
I want to fuse these worlds of ours
Every day it hurts a bit more
Trapped behind the cold metal door

I know what you're trying to put across, but I think that it would be nicer if you used nicer words e.g. get rid of 'fuse' - it's just not romantic in any way, y'know what I mean? Nice opening however.

Sitting alone in a Smokey room
My heart is slowly being entombed
Break it out, set it free
You’re the only one that does it for me

This is nice - a sound second verse, nothing too dramatic, but goes well in the build up of the song

It’s getting too much for me to handle
All I want is to relight the candle
Carry on down our old path
Taking on anything bad it my have

Nice continuation but the rhymes are poor - handle and candle? Yeah, okay, they rhyme but it's pretty poor, imo. And path and have hardly rhyme at all. You can work on that. But once again, it's continuing the story you are telling nicely.

Will this episode culminate in happiness?
Or will I live shrouded, in a cloud of awkwardness?
I regret the past, the things I did
Our lives intertwined will make me live

I like this most, I think - it requires little work and is a good moment in a song to kind of stop and reflect on events, which is what happens often in a lot of songs. good job.

Set my heart free from behind these bars
Can we ever fuse these worlds of ours
You are the angel sent down for me
Please take my hand and set me free

This is also good, and it also adds nicely to the song, but maybe don't finish with this: try to add another line or so, because this doesn't quite end it for me.



Sorry if I came across as a bit harsh, but if you want to improve on the song, then I think you will want to hear as much advice as possible. Please remember my words are not the holy grail of songwriting - they are just one boy's opinion. =]

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=692952

Michal
#4
i'm usually not so fond of the rhyming pattern you used, but you managed to make it flow well without sounding too forced. although i thought the third stanza sounded a tad bit cheesy...

the last line of the second stanza doesn't sit well with me. i'm not exactly sure why, but i think it might be because its a really conversational line, i think, and the rest of the piece isn't?? i don't know, maybe ignore this part...

other than that it's a good piece. and thanks for the crit on mine!