#1
Not the best...but it could be turned into something...

Affliction prospers within beauty.
Carve yourself a new view twice over, three times, or four
until no wind or star will wither this -
the uncanny feeling that everything is okay.
To see yourself as you are is not as easy as this
and it will continue, again, again, again.

Just one more time will make it okay
Carve yourself a new view thrice over, four times, or five.
Draw a pretty borderline around the blank in your head,
peel this layer and hope the next odor is sweeter.
To be someone else is murder, but easier than this -
it ends now.

Free will prevails - unlike some
of the others
of the rest of them
(of course)

Affliction prospers within beauty
again
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.
#2
Not the best...but it could be turned into something...

Affliction prospers within beauty. (Good line...)
Carve yourself a new view twice over, three times, or four Another good line, but the listing sorta throws off the flow
until no wind or star will wither this -
the uncanny feeling that everything is okay. Good, but I'd ditch "uncanny" (a sense of familiarity would work in any case, though)
To see yourself as you are is not as easy as this
and it will continue, again, again, again. No problems here

Just one more time will make it okay
Carve yourself a new view thrice over, four times, or five. Off topic, but is thrice a word? I've wanted to know that forever... Other than that, it's good. But the listing agian is a bit distracting
Draw a pretty borderline around the blank in your head, Blank->Space?
peel this layer and hope the next odor is sweeter. Damn good line. But Odor->Scent?
To be someone else is murder, but easier than this -
it ends now. However cliched, this last part seems to fit. But I think there's room for improvement

Free will prevails - unlike some
of the others
of the rest of them
(of course) A bit vague for my taste, but maybe it'll work

Affliction prospers within beauty
again
Quote by count schizo
I think we should take a second out to flame him anyways. I mean we're already here.

Quote by 7DaySkeptic
Only a misguided youth seeking something to take up the space below their post would sig me

^ Yep, that sounds about right.
#3
Some of the wording was, kinda awkward. I think the use of "this" in the first stanza gave it a different feel than I would've liked, yknow... I felt it unnesseccary to mention "this".. you should hide something from the reader without feeling obliged to give at a name. I'm not describing what I meant too well here

The second stanza had no real problems as far as I can see but I'm not in the best state of mind to judge. Hmm, the short stanza before the final line, I'm not too fond of. But then the last lines are great, the "again, again, again" etc. that you used earlier really payed off here, as it allows the final word to have more impact.

This post might not have made much sense, but Hope you can get atleast something from it and thanks for the post on mine man.
#4
reminds me of some kind of typical metalcore song. the diction is there but you use it in such a typical way it makes the piece suffer because it just rings of pretension and has an overwrought. basically come up with your own style and put some emotion in the wording as well as the topic. it'll make the piece much more interesting as well as much more powerful.
#5
I like it. It'll fit well in one of those songs where the song form is unorthodox. I also like the subject matter. I didnt really understand the third stanza though, it lacks clarity. Try putting a little more weight into it.

Thanks for critting mine btw