#1
A bullet,
Small and round.
The amount of deaths,
Quite profound.

The powder,
A deadly mix.
Made of chemicals,
Gives some their fix.

A casing,
Its heart at the tip.
Arranged on a belt,
Placed at the hip.

A gun,
Vessel of it all.
With a pull of the trigger,
Its target takes the fall.

A man,
His mind corrupt.
Controls it all,
Ends abrupt.


Hmm... what to say, what to say?

I'm sorta unhappy with the flow in this. It likes to make a fit with me here and there.

The ending... hmm...
#2
IMO it's not very detailed. It doesn't do much outside of the rhyme itself (and you said you aren't completely satified with that). It needs to go a little deeper, provide a more lucid image outside of the bullet and gun itself. If nothing else, turn the bullet into a metaphor or something. It's simple as hell, but I have seen worse writing make millions of dollars for dip****s that can't play an instrument...

Just try to drag out the idea a little more vividly. This doesn't leave anything to the imagination, it just draws a bullet, a gun, and a man. Not to be harsh, but I'm picturing a cartoon cowboy when I read it. There's just no other detail to prove me wrong. The rhyme is workable, just short.

5/10
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.
#3
Quote by Jabman
A bullet,
Small and round.
The amount of deaths,
Quite profound.

Well, you haven't given much to critique in any of this. These are short, jabby lines, that have a very plain meaning. It would probably be very popular... as short and catchy sells, however I'm not really sure what to say here, other than the rhyme scheme is simple (which isn't necessarily bad).

The powder,
A deadly mix.
Made of chemicals,
Gives some their fix.

Well, same thing here...not much to say. It's an obvious rhyme... and the last line is kind of ambiguous and doesn't make a whole lot of sense... I mean, I can infer, but with as obvious as every other line is... this one doesn't present itself this way and makes it kind of stick out.

A casing,
Its heart at the tip.
Arranged on a belt,
Placed at the hip.

What does "its heart at the tip" mean? sounds kind of neat, but again... a little to vague to make sense.

A gun,
Vessel of it all.
With a pull of the trigger,
Its target takes the fall.

Not bad... just seems like you were stretching for more verses, as they are getting a little less pertinent to a bullet and more to a shooting.

A man,
His mind corrupt.
Controls it all,
Ends abrupt.

yeah, this has completely abandoned the bullet now... it doesn't even have anything to do with the bullet anymore... and "ends abrupt" doesn't make a lot of sense.




I really do like the concept of this piece... but it does need quite a bit of work. I'd say you can drop the rhyme scheme, it will allow you a lot more freedom to discuss this... and then add some lines to each stanza, get some details. If you expand more on the first 3 to 4 verses you can drop the last few and it will improve the piece a lot. Good rough draft, just keep working at it, and if you re-write and re-post, let me know and I'd love to look through it again.

c4c on either of the pieces in my sig?

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#4
I like the concept of the poem/song, however the flow of it does not complement the focus of the poem. I would imagine that because of the subject of the poem (death, shooting) it is intended to be serious, but the short lines and stanzas as well as the simple rhyming scheme lend themselves to a more comical piece. I think I understand the reasoning behind the structure (each stanza describes part of the "anatomy" of a bullet), but my advise would be to lengthen each line and stanza out a bit, and either loses the rhymes, or make them more dramatic. Other than that, it is definately on the right track.
Member Of Jackson/Charvel Owners Group
#5
Do you know the real anatomy of a bullet? It's made out of a casing, brim, powder, and the bullet itself. The bullet itself is placed at the very tip of it. Therefor "Its heart at the tip."

Yes, it all revolves around the bullet. All. I wasn't stretching, that as my idea in the first place.

"Ends abrupt"
Hmm.... How do I explain this. I wanted to say that the man ends whoever is the target's life abruptly. That was the only way I could really think to put it so that it went with the rest around it.


But in all honesty, this is my least favorite from all of my works.
Example of my other works: http://jabmano.deviantart.com/
#6
just as a sidenote, I do know the anatom yof a bulloet, I've been shooting muzzleloaders and making deer slugs at home since I was a wee-lad. (yeah, I'm a bit of a hillbilly).

And I'm not saying it was bad, so don't get defensive, I was just saying that I started losing track of the bullet by the last few stanzas... as it was more revolving around a shooting. Definitely keep writing though man.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#7
Quote by Jabman
A bullet,
Small and round.
The amount of deaths,
Quite profound.
This part is alright, nice flow

The powder,
A deadly mix.
Made of chemicals,
Gives some their fix.
"The powder, A dreadly mix" is alright, but "made of chemicals, gives some their fix" just doesn't flow well.

A casing,
Its heart at the tip.
Arranged on a belt,
Placed at the hip.
Same as the second verse, not a good flow, probally because "Tip, Belt, Hip are kinda strong words. I don't really know how to call it, but you get the point

A gun,
Vessel of it all.
With a pull of the trigger,
Its target takes the fall.
This sounds good to me

A man,
His mind corrupt.
Controls it all,
Ends abrupt.
The last two centances of this verse don't rhyme at all.


I would change the last verse, and give the second and third a bit attention and you'll have a nice song.
For now, I'd rate this song a 6,5/7.

Edit; Rate my newest poem "Drowned"? Link is in my sig.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
just as a sidenote, I do know the anatom yof a bulloet, I've been shooting muzzleloaders and making deer slugs at home since I was a wee-lad. (yeah, I'm a bit of a hillbilly).

And I'm not saying it was bad, so don't get defensive, I was just saying that I started losing track of the bullet by the last few stanzas... as it was more revolving around a shooting. Definitely keep writing though man.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC


Mmmm, gotta love them coconuts.

BTW, I was just about to defend myself by saying I wasn't being defensive...

lol

And Scarlatti, abrupt and corrupt do rhyme o.O
#9
to all those who argue for the bullets sake
i loved the direction of the poem, i think it was quite nice
the whole bullet thing i think was just a bit of a bad name for the song
its really not about the anatomy of a bullet but of a shooting, or a generalization of all shootings

the only problem i have, and im surprised no one has mentioned this:

A gun,
Vessel of it all.
With a pull of the trigger,
Its target takes the fall.

A man,
His mind corrupt.
Controls it all,
Ends abrupt.

when i got to the first of the above stanzas, i saw the word "all" and figured okay, now hes ended the journey at the gun this next stanza will wrap it up
but then the next stanza's use of the word "all" made me flinch a bit and think wait didnt the journey outward end at the last stanza?

it just interrupted my thought process on the poem

anyway i feel dumber having typed this sloppy crit and all apologies for having done so.


i feel so inarticulate.