#1
Yep. Wrote myself into a corner. Help a brotha out.

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God works in degrees
So when I fall to my knees
To whom do I pray
To rid of this disease?

Color-blind, give me sight,
Gotta know who to fight
In all that's devine
Let me know I'm right

For I'm but a simple man,
Got a set and a simple plan
Pitchfork in hand, I set across the land
Salvation for the working man

In sudden pain the virgin falls
Praying to God he exists at all
Forgiveness and a reprimand
Begins the virtuous withdrawal
Quote by count schizo
I think we should take a second out to flame him anyways. I mean we're already here.

Quote by 7DaySkeptic
Only a misguided youth seeking something to take up the space below their post would sig me

^ Yep, that sounds about right.
#2
'God works in degrees
So when I fall to my knees
To whom do I pray
To rid of this disease?'

Nice start. "God works in degrees" is a very good line.

'Color-blind, give me sight,
Gotta know who to fight
In all that's devine
Let me know I'm right'

Woah, you probably didn't mean to sound racist, but damn man. I guess it can be strewn a couple ways though; I like how the rhyme is developing here.

'For I'm but a simple man,
Got a set and a simple plan
Pitchfork in hand, I set across the land
Salvation for the working man'

The third line kind of jumbles a lot in a small space, and you went from an AABA rhyme to a AA(A)AA thing. It's still flowing well, but it just bunched a lot there. I'm getting a good picture in my head, so you're illustrating this emotion pretty well.

'In sudden pain the virgin falls
Praying to God he exists at all
Forgiveness and a reprimand
Begins the virtuous withdrawal'

Nice climax of the story, but I see how you wrote yourself into a corner. This verse would make a good ending, but I feel like there's more left to tell that I haven't read yet. This is a pretty good little rhyme and I see where you're going with it. I think the change up in rhyme scheme in the third verse was a little unnecessary, but I can still get my head around it. Not too bad, keep working on it.

C4C man, please...NO ONE READS MY STUFF! 7/10
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.
#3
^ Don't fret, the racism was intended. I ended up making a narrative out of it.

And the rhyme scheme was a bit jumbled in the 3rd verse, but I think some subtle changes in pronounciation would do the trick.

Crit4Crit? Fa' sho.
Quote by count schizo
I think we should take a second out to flame him anyways. I mean we're already here.

Quote by 7DaySkeptic
Only a misguided youth seeking something to take up the space below their post would sig me

^ Yep, that sounds about right.
#4
I like it, I see what you mean by wrote yourself into a corner. It seems maybe you hit your final point to quickly? I'm not sure how familiar you are with the bible but my only suggestion would be to try find some "deeper" things to refer to and listen to some other bands with similar subject matter. You seem like your into songs on the topic of faith and related material. I suggest checking out Jesus Christ by Brand New,and then some Jesus Lizard maybe you'll be inspired. Overall good though
Last edited by zlink16 at Oct 17, 2007,