#1
i woke up from a coma to find that i had
unconsciously turned myself inside-out.
my lungs were on the outside, and i breathed
carbon dioxide; i was a tree,
with a layer of dried blood for bark,
and a trunk composed of broken bones.
somewhere in the ground, i heard
the sound of my heart beating;
i tried to grasp it with my roots, but
they had not yet grown deep enough.
so i cried out to the insects in the soil,
begging them to bring it just the
slightest bit closer to the surface,
so i could feel human again,
but my cries for help were caught
in the tangled mess of my gnarled boughs,
and they could not hear my voice
until after they'd heard my echo.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Oct 22, 2007,
#2
i woke up from a coma to find that i had
unconsciously turned myself inside-out;
my lungs were on the outside, and i breathed
carbon dioxide, like a tree,
with a layer of dried blood for bark,
and a trunk composed of broken bones.
somewhere in the ground, i heard
the sound of my heart beating;
i tried to grasp it with my roots,
but they had not yet grown
deep enough to reach it.
so i cried out to the insects in the soil,
begging them to bring it just the
slightest bit closer to the surface,
so i could feel human again,
but my cries for help were caught
in the tangled mess of my gnarled boughs,
and they could not hear my voice
until after they'd heard my echo.


The parts I bolded were things that I don't think are necessary for the piece and kind of bog it down. Some of them are things that can just be assumed, like "unconsciously". Since everything you do in a coma is done unconsciously it doesn't seem necessary to tell us so. In the case of the last two it feels like they drag their respective sentences on a little bit too long. They're all things that don't aid the poem literarily, but kind of clutter it unnecessarily.

Other than that, I quite liked it. Better than most of your stuff as of late, in my opinion. Nice work.
#3
the unconsciously thing was just cause
i thought maybe someone might have
interpreted it as meaning that it happened
before the coma but it just wasn't realized?
i don't know if that really makes sense to you.
i'm kind of barely functioning right now;
i'm exhausted, jacked up on ritalin, trying
to finish a bunch of work that i need to finish.

anyway. a bunch of the extra wording
is there because these are lyrics,
and they need to fit with the music;
the only one i can really remove
without ruining the flow of it with
the music is "to reach it". so i'll do that.

but the other ones are kind of necessary.

BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
Quote by Grovermans


This must be the first crit I've given in a while. Guess I thought if I did you'd stick around for longer


i woke up from a coma to find that i had
unconsciously turned myself inside-out;
-ly Adverbs are never great imo, and "unconsciously" is one of the suckiest. It also feels awkward and robotic. you could remove that word and the opening would be better. Definitely wouldn't make it any worse.
my lungs were on the outside, and i breathed
carbon dioxide, like a tree,
the whole tree/carbon dioxide thing is beginning to feel like it appears too much in your pieces, or what I remember. or maybe its just around too much in general. anyway, the image does not seem to feel fresh anymore and to be honest, it's not strong imagery anyway, it's boring. You don't paint a picture or even appeal to the senses here, so this part really lacks anything remotely interesting/strong.
with a layer of dried blood for bark,
this feels tacked on, and not cleverly thought out. I feel you could have either split this into seperate sentences, or just move the clause elsewhere, or something. It just feels tacked on and that you needed to do the whole tree/personification thing. It feels forced.
and a trunk composed of broken bones.
Same here. Better image, far better image, but again feels added on and forced.
somewhere in the ground, i heard
the sound of my heart beating;
Fairly weak and unsubtle rhyme, imo Kyle. Again, unimpressive imagery "the ground", it doesn't add anything extra. You're not using the senses or anything to grab the reader into the piece. It's like your faintly sketching, not painting.
i tried to grasp it with my roots, but
Careful. Earlier it was like you were comparing yourself to the tree, "like" founded a simile. You've now moved into solid metaphor, and it feels slightly awkward imo. It just sounds a bit off.
they had not yet grown deep enough.
so i cried out to the insects in the soil,
Again, it's just mixing it up a bit too much. If your a tree, sure you can grasp with roots because that's what they do, but now you're crying out. It just doesn't feel concrete enough to grab hold of the reader, if you get what I mean.
begging them to bring it just the
Careful with the "it". You may want to think about referencing the heart again, "it2 is very ambiguous here.
slightest bit closer to the surface,
drop either "just" and re-word to "slightly" or drop the "slightest", the "just the slightest" is awkward.
so i could feel human again,
Again with the mixing of everything, it's just a bit too unstructured imo.
but my cries for help were caught
Repeat of cries isn't too great, and with no real symbolism reasoned for it a synonym could be used.
in the tangled mess of my gnarled boughs,
this line feels less connected, semantics-wise, to the rest of the piece.
and they could not hear my voice
until after they'd heard my echo.
It's a clever end, but it needs to be a bit clearer. A solid meaning I think is difficult to get out of this; the not-quite-concrete enough tree metaphor, which I think was sometimes worded poorly or not strong enough.


Anyways, good to see you back. I have something in my sig if you really want, Kyle.