#1
At what point does a habit turn into an addiction?

Verse 1
The butterflies in my belly
have been poisoned by your charm
and I've been clinging on to whiskey
hoping this will keep me warm
I'm sure I'd be better off
If I'd never known you're face
now I'd love say I hate you
just to take me from this place

Chorus
If I'm honest, which I'm never,
I'm desperate for the game.
That haunted, fleeting moment,
Where pleasure matches pain.
honey, all i really wanted
and it really is a shame, is
that soft and subtle hunger
as you stumble through my veins

verse2
I've been awake for nights
trying to rewrite our making
and despite my casual air
we both know that I'm faking
all I want is for you to
leave or take me there
coz im sick of endless moments
where we both say we dont care

Chorus
If I'm honest, which I'm never,
I'm desperate for the game.
That haunted, fleeting moment,
Where pleasure matches pain.
honey, all i really wanted
and it really is a shame, is
that soft and subtle hunger
as you stumble through my veins


Crit for Crit
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
Last edited by damn-right! at Oct 17, 2007,
#2
Verse two.. is the only weak point. The chorus is.. brilliant. I really, really like it.

I don't really know how to say what's wrong with verse 2, but there's something about it which seems more forced than the rest of the song.
My name is Marc! Silly username.
#3
can i write something for it?
Quote by Tiksi
people who think that the tuning peg things have to be straight. I went to the bathroom once, I come back, and my friend detunified my guitar, and then asked why it sounded weird. ARGG!!!



mcROFL
#4
Quote by Burning Star 4
can i write something for it?


how dya mean?
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#5
like can i write a guitar piece record and put it on my up coming album, u'll get credit for it of course. =]
Quote by Tiksi
people who think that the tuning peg things have to be straight. I went to the bathroom once, I come back, and my friend detunified my guitar, and then asked why it sounded weird. ARGG!!!



mcROFL
#6
I'd love to but its one of my bands songs sorry, thanks for asking though, thats a huge compliment, and if my band ever split up, you can have it!
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#7
haha no probs, great lyrics! if you have any spares be sure to tell me about them, my email is crossing_the_frame26@hotmail.com. =]
Quote by Tiksi
people who think that the tuning peg things have to be straight. I went to the bathroom once, I come back, and my friend detunified my guitar, and then asked why it sounded weird. ARGG!!!



mcROFL
#8
The chorus and the first verse are brilliant, although the second verse doesn't flow well.
The first 2 centances of verse 2 are fine, but the rest needs more attention.

I'd rate this song a 8/10

Crit my newest Poem "Drowned"? Link is in sig.
#9
thanks everyone, anyone got any ideas how I can reword the last verse?
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#10
Agreed with the second verse problems. Both rhymes seem forced, although the language is nice..

"I've been awake for nights
trying to rewrite our making
and despite my casual air
we both know that I'm faking
all I want is for you to
leave or take me there
coz im sick of endless moments
where we both say we dont care"

Making/Faking is just a bit of a blah rhyme I suppose, that is certainly your problem.

All i want is for you to leave or take me there, reads horifically, but would work perfectly sung within a song, so it's up to you whether you want to leave that in or take it out. I'd keep it. "Sick of endless moments, where we both say we don't care" - that's just another blah line really. Not worth much atall.

Personally i'd recommend just writing a whole new verse altogether. This certainly isn't up to the (high) standard of the rest of the piece, and you're better off starting from scratch.

What I do, if that's any help, is write about 4 or 5 verses and pick the best one. It lets you think less whilst you're writing which I find gets a little more creativity. It looks like you felt constricted when you wrote this verse.. tried not to do anything wrong..

Anyway, sorry I couldn't directly help, but if u have a minute, maybe check my piece?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=694346
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 18, 2007,
#11
Quote by damn-right!


Verse 1
The butterflies in my belly
have been poisoned by your charm
this line just seems kinda odd to me... just a weird concept I guess...
and I've been clinging on to whiskey
hoping this will keep me warm
I'm sure I'd be better off
If I'd never known you're face
now I'd love say I hate you
now I'd love TO say???
just to take me from this place
This verse pretty much spot on... good... and you fit that whiskey part in perfectly... the last line doesn't really make sense to me though... why would it take you away... if you said something like "just to banish you from this place" it would seem more logical to me... unless you can explain that to me...

Chorus
If I'm honest, which I'm never,
I'm desperate for the game.
That haunted, fleeting moment,
Where pleasure matches pain.
honey, all i really wanted
and it really is a shame, is
that soft and subtle hunger
as you stumble through my veins
Keep this as is... its awesome...

verse2
I've been awake for nights
this line has some problems... maybe try not telling me... but showing me...
trying to rewrite our making
and despite my casual air
we both know that I'm faking
making and faking just don't fit for me...
all I want is for you to
it helps the flow if you move "to" in the next line before "leave"
leave or take me there
coz im sick of endless moments
where we both say we dont care
the end of this verse is fine... and yeah... this verse is the only one that could extremely benefit from some work...
Chorus





Yeah!
Promises meant a lot back then.
#12
Quote by ninja monkey

Verse 1

this line just seems kinda odd to me... just a weird concept I guess...


Haha I should have probably have stated what the song is about, since most will take it as a romance. Which in a way, i guess it could be interpreted that way. Its actually about drug addiction.


now I'd love TO say???


yep sorry about that.


Just to take me from this place


This line is a little cryptic even when you know what the song is about. The character is trying to kick the habit, she wants to believe that taking the drugs is bad, she wants to feel as though she doesnt need to take the drug. She wants to get out of the withdrawal period and hate the drug as opposed to need it.


Keep this as is... its awesome...


Thankyou
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#13
oh... alright then... yeah... I interpreted it as romance.
but then I would have to say that "just to take me from this place" line... would mean she is getting high... or something like that... meh... It makes more sense now so whatever.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#14
Quote by damn-right!
At what point does a habit turn into an addiction?

Verse 1
The butterflies in my belly
have been poisoned by your charm
and I've been clinging on to whiskey
hoping this will keep me warm Should it not be 'it will keep me warm'?
I'm sure I'd be better off
If I'd never known you're face
now I'd love say I hate you
just to take me from this place

Only other thing about this verse is warm and charm kind of ruin the flow as they are not a full rhyme and the rest of the rhymes in the verse are. Still great though

Chorus
If I'm honest, which I'm never,
I'm desperate for the game.
That haunted, fleeting moment,
Where pleasure matches pain.
honey, all i really wanted
and it really is a shame, is
that soft and subtle hunger
as you stumble through my veins

verse2
I've been awake for nights
trying to rewrite our making
and despite my casual air
we both know that I'm faking
all I want is for you to
leave or take me there
cos im sick of endless moments
where we both say we don't care

Chorus
If I'm honest, which I'm never,
I'm desperate for the game.
That haunted, fleeting moment,
Where pleasure matches pain.
honey, all i really wanted
and it really is a shame, is
that soft and subtle hunger
as you stumble through my veins




Nothing else to complain about, I really enjoyed this piece Love to hear it recorded!