#1
ok, this is my first song I've ever written, and its on a subject that is quite dear to me so any help to make it better would be amazing

Thanks

Hallelujah:


She’s sitting in a corner. Wearing her cross,
It’s the only way to deal with pain and her loss.
“It’s all too hard. Take me away” she screams inside her head
As the cross becomes the razor to take away her dread.

And Hallelujah
She cuts to forget her pain
Sing Hallelujah,
While the Lord simply looks away
Hallelujah
The blood escapes from her veins
As she kneels down to pray.

She cries herself to sleep, too tired to fight
Her friends all know that she’s not alright
“The only one that can help is God” She cries
As she digs the knife further into her thighs

But hallelujah,
Out great God does nothing at all
Sing hallelujah,
As she lands on her face again
Hallelujah
So great a Lord that just watches her fall
And scoffs as she takes her life to kill the pain.

She said the lord will help her fight her fight
But he just watches her blood flow every night
She cannot see, she cannot sense the love that’s sent to her
Instead she follows a vicious cycle as her life turns to a blur

And hallelujah
She is blind to what she’s doing to them
Sing hallelujah,
As her tears break their hearts
Hallelujah
As we pray for her relief to Him
Before she tears her entire life apart.
#3
What is this about? Sounds like she went through some tough times. Cool song.
#4
well, its about a girl I used to date... its a long story and I would feel bad disclosing all of her personal struggles out onto the net for everyone to see.

But the basic gist is its about a girl who is very religious but also has certain problems that is evidenced by the lyrics. Kinda me questioning where is the God that she longs for while she is in so much pain.
#5
first of all, there was already a masterpiece called hallelujah....god i love that song.

but, this was good.... a little sad and depressing for me... but its well written.
also... for the overbeaten topic that this wrote on, you did great....

what kind of a tempo is this gonna be?
#6
I completely forgot about that song... yeah the original "hallelujah" is an amazing song.

I know the topic is a bit overdone, thats why I guess I have so much criticism towards it personally. But I felt that I needed to write it, I just hope to improve upon it and craft it into a marvelous song.

I'm honestly not sure what tempo I want it to be in... there are 2 types that stick out in my mind though.

1: Really indie acoustic slow stuff. (ex. Sufjan, Manchester Orchestra)

2: Kinda pop-punky sorta type thing. Femal lead singer required for this one (Pretty much, when its played upbeat I can only think of Paramore's style)

Any other suggestions on styles to play for this song would be wonderful.
#8
Quote by king1201989
ok, this is my first song I've ever written, and its on a subject that is quite dear to me so any help to make it better would be amazing

Thanks

Hallelujah:


She’s sitting in a corner. Wearing her cross,
It’s the only way to deal with pain and her loss.
“It’s all too hard. Take me away” she screams inside her head
As the cross becomes the razor to take away her dread.

And Hallelujah
She cuts to forget her pain
Sing Hallelujah,
While the Lord simply looks away
Hallelujah
The blood escapes from her veins
As she kneels down to pray.

She cries herself to sleep, too tired to fight
Her friends all know that she’s not alright
“The only one that can help is God” She cries
As she digs the knife further into her thighs

But hallelujah,
Out great God does nothing at all
Sing hallelujah,
As she lands on her face again
Hallelujah
So great a Lord that just watches her fall
And scoffs as she takes her life to kill the pain.

She said the lord will help her fight her fight
But he just watches her blood flow every night
She cannot see, she cannot sense the love that’s sent to her
Instead she follows a vicious cycle as her life turns to a blur

And hallelujah
She is blind to what she’s doing to them
Sing hallelujah,
As her tears break their hearts
Hallelujah
As we pray for her relief to Him
Before she tears her entire life apart.

this is what I would do If I were told to turn this into my own

I personaly dont like the "as the cross becomes..." line. It sounds like religion is hurting her when in your other lines you say that she denies the churches help
I also do not like the line starting in as
I would have that line changed to
"But the cross becomes a razor to take her to the dead.

I dont like courus though because It kind of poorly portrays religion (christianity?)(double standards?)
you should make it sound like she wants religion but kind of denys it

but Hallelujah, good lyrics
#9
From my point of view, I think this song is amazing.

And please, let it be acoustic, not pop-punk crap.

It would be much better acoustic

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