i literally just wrote this, in fact this is the only version
i opened up the start new thread thing
and went from scratch
so it definitely needs some crit

"i/my" and "you/your" are one and the same. the change in persons from first to second is on purpose...i thought it might help translate the "talking to myself"-ness of the piece better, so any thoughts on whether or not that works would be nice.

just stop, please.
stop writing these
words. what a waste of pencil points.
of white, ruled leaves, and well-rolled joints
your metaphors are transparent,
the glass surfaces clear
your words have no point,
kin to perfect spheres.

even here,
as i scold you for walking a verbal treadmill,
i walk a verbal treadmill.

autobiographical summary.

i need to get off the morphine
and learn some basic morphemes.
because the labrynth i keep hoping for
is nothing but a cubicle with an open door.
Last edited by rockintheblues at Oct 18, 2007,
this is pretty good. though it seems to alternate between phrases that flow really well together and phrases that kind of stumble over each other.

i really liked the first stanza, especially the first 4 lines.
of white, ruled leaves, and well-rolled joints
great line!

in the second stanza, the second line doesn't really make sense. if you change the 'yourself' to just 'you' i think it would be a lot more clear.

the last two stanzas are where i thought it got a little bit wordy. well, maybe not wordy, just kind of a lot of syllables. in the last stanza, i think it would flow a lot better if you take out the 'complex'. it's kind of a tongue twister, and i think unneccessary, since labyrinths are complex by nature.

overall, it was good though.
I agree with Rocker about the flow of the poem.

But other than that, this seems like a good idea for a song.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

gracias, mi amigos.
as you can see ive edited the piece accordingly, while adding maybe a nuance or two, and im an iota more content about it now.
however, as evidenced by the above statement, i think it could still use a bit more work.

anyone else?