#1
i literally just wrote this, in fact this is the only version
i opened up the start new thread thing
and went from scratch
so it definitely needs some crit

"i/my" and "you/your" are one and the same. the change in persons from first to second is on purpose...i thought it might help translate the "talking to myself"-ness of the piece better, so any thoughts on whether or not that works would be nice.
.....


just stop, please.
stop writing these
words. what a waste of pencil points.
of white, ruled leaves, and well-rolled joints
your metaphors are transparent,
the glass surfaces clear
your words have no point,
kin to perfect spheres.

even here,
as i scold you for walking a verbal treadmill,
i walk a verbal treadmill.

autobiographical summary.

i need to get off the morphine
and learn some basic morphemes.
because the labrynth i keep hoping for
is nothing but a cubicle with an open door.
Last edited by rockintheblues at Oct 18, 2007,
#2
this is pretty good. though it seems to alternate between phrases that flow really well together and phrases that kind of stumble over each other.

i really liked the first stanza, especially the first 4 lines.
of white, ruled leaves, and well-rolled joints
great line!

in the second stanza, the second line doesn't really make sense. if you change the 'yourself' to just 'you' i think it would be a lot more clear.

the last two stanzas are where i thought it got a little bit wordy. well, maybe not wordy, just kind of a lot of syllables. in the last stanza, i think it would flow a lot better if you take out the 'complex'. it's kind of a tongue twister, and i think unneccessary, since labyrinths are complex by nature.

overall, it was good though.
#3
I agree with Rocker about the flow of the poem.

But other than that, this seems like a good idea for a song.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#4
gracias, mi amigos.
as you can see ive edited the piece accordingly, while adding maybe a nuance or two, and im an iota more content about it now.
however, as evidenced by the above statement, i think it could still use a bit more work.

anyone else?