#1
its just a chorus bridge and one verse...
its not done im gonna add another verse or
2 before im done but let me know what you think.
---------------------------------------------------------------


I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna see
I don’t wanna ask the question
(2X)

Is it crawling?
Is it crawling in my head?
Is it crawling?
Is it crawling am I dead?

Maybe there was a time when I could escape your lies
Maybe I had a reason to live this life
But I dread it all
And I seen it all wash away
It leaves a hopeless feeling inside
Curl in a corner and die
Do you seek the answer?
Do you really wanna know?
Do you think you’re already to go?
Only one place left if you follow that road
I won’t be the one to save you
So take that step and go for your fate
Remember I told you it was too late

I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna see
I don’t wanna ask the question
(2X)

Is it crawling?
Is it crawling in my head?
Is it crawling?
Is it crawling am I dead?
#2
Quote by FightForApathy



I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna see
I don’t wanna ask the question
(2X)

Is it crawling?
Is it crawling in my head?
Is it crawling?
Is it crawling am I dead?

Good on the first opening thing. However, the last line of the second interlude 'crawling am i dead' crushes my soul. Everything up to this point, while a bit cliche, flows well and makes sense. This makes no sense... you can't even really hyphenate it and pull this one off without seeming like you are stuttering over is it crawling again. Thus, I say expand more on the 'in my head' part, or something.

Maybe there was a time when I could escape your lies
Maybe I had a reason to live this life
But I dread it all
And I watched it all wash away
It leaves a hopeless feeling inside
Curl in a corner and die
Do you seek the answer?
Do you really wanna know?
Do you think you a re already to go?
Only one place left if you follow that road
I won’t be the one to save you
So take that step and go for your fate
Remember I told you it was too late

Mainly... pick a tense and stick to it... this back and forth business makes it difficult to read and appreciate. I do like the idea, and while again, a bit cliche, certainly forgivable considering the way you've present this.

I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna see
I don’t wanna ask the question
(2X)

Is it crawling?
Is it crawling in my head?
Is it crawling?
Is it crawling am I dead?


to be honest, this isn't a very full crit, because I had this all typed up once... like a very full deal and the computer crashed... so now I'm just hitting the highlights nad focusing on the things that need to be fixed instead of the praises as well... because the negatives will be much more useful to you.

Overall, not a bad piece... especially for a rough draft... I'd say 7.5/10. Just work on your tenses, and try to eliminate some of the part that don't really relate to what you are talking too... like the death references... because you are focusing on something different, and then all of the sudden you are going into "meaning of life/have i died" stuff which throws the piece off.

Good work.

C4C on my piece in my sig (Bumper Sticker Politics)

peace and coconuts,

-ZC