#1
C4C


"Hey" Said the President,
"I think I fell in Love".
He hopped across his bathroom,
Stood high above his 'tub.

He filled it up with bubble-bath,
Mixed it with a splash,
"Hmm" Said the President,
"Perhaps just one more dash."

He bolted to his bedroom -
Saw his wife was in the house,
"Ooh" Said the President
"I've become aroused".

The President then pressed a button by mistake and blew up Europe.

Last edited by skagitup at Feb 27, 2008,
#4
Me like!
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#5
Quote by confusius
So much for no poetry eh?




I'm going to Thailand for two weeks (leaving on Sunday).. and I promise after that i'll stop writing poetry..

I'm just really bored so i wanted to write something, and I don't have any music to write for.

I know you hate it when I write poetry
#6
I don't actually, though I did dislike this. The whole bolded lines making a little poem by themselves has been done and better. I also thought that it was all pretty bleh. You know, simple, but not the good simple. The bad simple. It was bland. In short poems, imagery generally doesn't fit, so you have to use other devices to make your writing stand out. I'm afraid you didn't, so the only thing that made this come off as good was the slightly humorous last-line.


Oh and I meant the bit about no poetry because of your comment in my thread:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showpost.php?p=11115725&postcount=10
#7
Quote by confusius


Oh and I meant the bit about no poetry because of your comment in my thread:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showpost.php?p=11115725&postcount=10


Yeah that's true (what I posted in your thread), the vast majority of what I post are lyrics and when I post poetry it's either eccentric and/or comical or inspired by severe bordom.

I don't really agree with what you said about imagery not fitting in short poems, that's a horifically vicious generalisation. Some of the best short poems I know use great imagery...

I suppose I can't really be bothered to argue over such a nothing piece of writing, but I would again take issue with it being called "the bad simple"...

Oh, and I only used the bolded lines because it's easier on the eye.
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 18, 2007,
#8
I actually enjoyed this and thought it was humorous. Also having some metaphor, althought i might be looking too deeply. Even if it didnt have the metaphor I thought it did, it was enjoyable and something different. One problem was the second to last line, try just getting rid of the "Now", it doesn't flow quite as well as the rest. Last line was quite clever & a little bit of humour is refreshing. Well done.

edit- i also like that you didn't feel the need to make the final line into two seperate ones, or whatever. The change of style, i think, is partly what makes it funny. I'm rambling. My head works in a strange way. But yes i liked that...
Last edited by samoo at Oct 18, 2007,
#9
I laughed
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#11
Haha I actually quite liked it. Well almost liked it. Wasnt keen on the last line,
The piece was sortof comical without being too deep, the last line just seemed a little...too obvious. Not sure thats very well communicated. I liked the simplicity of the piece though, it brought a smile to my face. I'm writing a novel at the moment (could I be any more of a cliche!) and im struggling but I actually think you've helped me here! Sortof lightened my mind. Thanks for the crit by the way, always a pleasure
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#13
This is the best poem ever. For the love of god keep writing.

The end is indeed the best part.
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#14
samoo: you're right about "Now". I've taken that out. I did roughly consider metaphor in a couple of the lines, would you mind telling me what you were thinking?

damn-right: thanks of course. I agree about the last line, it isn't perfect, but changing it would remove the comedy of it.

And thanks to everyone who enjoyed this. Finally a piece of poetry written which didn't recieve a stone-cold reception.
#15
^

Hmm idk. Don't think i was thinking too deep.

I don't know how to explain what I was thinking then. But, some of the earlier lines were giving me the idea of the last line before I read it

also one interesting thing was (at least to me) the way I read 'bolted' as 'bottle' . Idk if that was intentional?

I still like this piece. It rocks.
#16
Bleh, to be honest I still think that if you read the bold lines they can stand out on their own. If you want to represent dialogue just use quotation marks, if someone can't tell the difference it's their problem and they can choose to ask or not. IMHO it looks far better without the bolds.

I also agree with Sam, you should make the last line two, or something like that. Try to make the line break in such a way that when read it has a quick rhythm to it.
#17
Quote by confusius
I also agree with Sam, you should make the last line two, or something like that. Try to make the line break in such a way that when read it has a quick rhythm to it.

I didn't say that! But yeah either way would work probably.
#18
Quote by skagitup
C4C

Don't take offence from my crits, Alex. They only aim to help :P



"Hey" Said the President,
The bolded lines did annoy me, first off. they didn't enhance, therefore distracted, imo. You do not need a capital S, as you have already started the sentence. Grammar. For an opening line, it's not gripping, but it's functional. I'd say in the future aim for something less vague in an opening line.
"I think I fell in Love".
I'm not sure you're using the tense you want to, here. "I fell" is past, "I've fallen" would maybe work better, but perhaps ruins the flow. Maybe forget the cliche of fall, and just keep it to "I'm in love"?
He hopped across his bathroom,
The preposition "his"I don't think sounds great here, "the" would probably suffice.
Stood high above his 'tub.
this works better. Nice rhyme. To be honest not a hugely engrossing opening though. But it works.

He filled it up with bubble-bath,
No, he added the bubble bath to the water. That idea should go in the opening line, not the second. It messes with the imagery.
Mixed it with a splash,
"Hmm" Said the President,
"Perhaps just one more dash."
Last line suffers. Awkwardly worded, "just" is in there for filler, it's a filler word. "Perhaps another dash" or something, maybe. "Perhaps one last dash", I don't know. Just reads badly this last line.

He bolted to his bedroom -
"bolted" has to be the wrong word to use - why is he bolting? There is no action for this consequence, therefore the reader feels confused as the apparent emergency he is experiencing.
Saw his wife was in the house,
We've not been told why he's rushed out or anything, it all just happens. Perhaps an extra stanze before this one? Or something to explain what is going on?
"Ooh" Said the President
"I've become aroused".
Good funny. Satirical feel and tone. I like.

The President then pressed a button by mistake and blew up Europe.
Eh. This almost feels too much an immature ending, for me anyway. Maybe had hoped for a cleverer end, rather than this. If this does stay, then at least break it up into two lines or something, or even a stanza with the same structure as the others.



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#19
Jamie. Although I usually love your crits (you are harsh but helpful) I had a big problem with the majority of points you made in this one.

For example, I'm quite aware of the tense issue with "fell" over "fallen". That was quite belittling. I'm not going to explain why I used fell. Perhaps read over it again and find out.

"His" works alot better with "High" in the following line. And "the 'tub" in the following line would imply that he only had one bathtub which is unlikely considering he lives in the White House.

The first Stanza isn't meant to be "Hugely engrossing". You're missing the point of the whole piece entirely if you think that. I was hoping for you to hop over the words, with a little imagery of a mad president getting ready to have a bath whilst thinking about his love interest. The poem is over before you can get bored and stop reading, so it being engrossing and keeping attention really isn't something that's necessary.

No, he didn't add the bubble bath to the water, he filled up the bath with bubble-bath becuase he's preoccupied (thinking about his love interest) and slightly insane. "Mixed it with a splash" is sarcastic. Just read the words, don't over-analyse everything.

Bolted is the right word to use because it flows nicely and creates the image of a President hurrying into his bedroom, which is exactly what I wanted. Also nice to have a bit of alliteration.

If you put a line braek in the last line, it's not humourous atall. The humour is in the change of style. Try it.

I'm sorry for coming across defensively. I'm very rarely defensive, and am always editing things and working on piecies in response to people's crits (e.g samoo's point and my removal of "Now"), but it just seemed like you were pointing out things for the sake of pointing them out. If not, then I apologise. I do appreciate the time taken and I hope I don't come across as an asshole because your crits are usually the most helpful that I recieve, but I just had to clear things up.

Sorry for the wall of text.
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 19, 2007,